I'll be hosting a parents Q&A on Tuesday 16th April at 6pm BST (that's GMT+1). Everyone and every thoughtful question is welcome. Please put your questions in the comments below.
Hi Stella- we have an almost 16 year old FTM. She has been identifying for 3 years, and we believe she started thinking of it a year before she told us. It is the typical ROGD story- her Tik Tok algorithm was loaded with trans content and one friend in particular was pushing lgbtq content on the friend group. Turns out our adhd/dyslexic daughter was highly suggestible.
She went into a deep depression before she told us in the middle of COVID, so we took the therapists advice to affirm or have dire consequences to heart. We allowed the name change and they/them pronouns.
Our relationship took a major hit as our daughter kept pushing for more things that we were not comfortable with. We took your advice (thank you so much for GWL- I found it 2-years in and it opened my eyes) and focused on rebuilding our relationship. She has a wonderful art therapist who is also listening to GWL and ‘gets it’s.
My question is this- we have started to do family therapy sessions now that our relationship is back on track, to specifically talk about gender. We had our first session 2 weeks ago and I brought up that I had watched some ftm influencers on YouTube and I could understand how alluring they make it look. My goal was to let her know that this isn’t her fault and to give her an out. Instead she got defensive and shocked that I could think that she was influenced by social media.
So my question for you- any advice on small things I can say during a session that will let her know she can get out of this, she is not to blame and perhaps to help her see what brought her to this conclusion (that she is trans at age 12) was a lot of messaging that she clung to rather than an authentic feeling she has had all along?
Thanks for your question, I'll give it some thought and respond in the Q&A. Are you sure of her path to this? Eg was the friend the most powerful influencer? Or the Youtubers? Where is this friend now? And how is she doing? And what does your girl think of her?
Just putting your answer here so that I can easily see it at the Q&A on Tuesday.
Hi Stella,
As you can imagine, 3-4 years brings a lot of history, so here is the short version to help identify the influences, as I believe there are many. :))
Our daughter was in a very small school for kids with dyslexia for grades 4th-7th. In 6th grade she ended up in a class of about 5 boys and she was the only girl. This is the same year she got her phone, and TikTok (because the girls all loved to do the choreographed dances together). Her cute boyfriend from the same school broke up with her right before school started. They only texted each other a few times over the summer, but this was an important relationship for her as she had always been boy crazy and he was her first official boyfriend. He was friends with all the boys in her class and she had to ride the bus for 40 minutes with him every day.... so you can imagine this was a bit devastating for her as she still brings it up as what helped her "find her TRUE self".
Meanwhile a friend (X) from her home school was heavily into LGBTQ stuff. Her older sister was lesbian and now identifies as trans. This friend (X) was constantly asking the two girls in this group what they were, and to pick something. My daughter loves to be drastic, so she chose trans (plus, she had wanted to pee standing up when she was little, so it was confirmed, this was her identity. Plus she was in class with all boys and she liked wearing pants.
From that point on, (X) pushed things on her - asked for a picture in her new bikini for camp and asked "do you feel gender dysphoric in that?" AT AGE 12!!!! Then proceeded to coach her on how to dress, what to tell us and how to change her name and pronouns at school. This friend told our daughter we were transphobic for questioning any of this.
Then bring in the helpful psychiatrist who we saw for ADHD meds- I had warned her of what was going on and requested that if it came up in session that she try to slow things down. Instead, when I was invited back into the room, she informed me that my child would try out his new name and pronouns at her girl's sleep away camp that summer to see how it feels.
Anecdotally, when I think back, I remember in 5th or 6th grade getting the letter from school that they would be discussing sexuality and gender in sex ed class and I thought nothing of it because why would I?
And once we finally woke up to what was going on (we had found Abigail Shrier's book), we went onto TikTok and saw that the algorithm was heavily trans influencers.
Add onto that, our daughter is obsessed with Anime (we believe she thinks she is an anime boy) and loves cosplay.
As you can see, there are a lot of influences and she is pretty dug in that this is her genuine self. Her new friend group (at the new school) are all on the rainbow- a few NB, a few trans and a few gay. Her new school is for kids with learning issues, so there are a number of Autistic kids.
She is still friends with (X), but not as connected anymore since it's almost 2 years since we moved away. I'm not sure how strong that influence is on her today.
I'll add in a few more anecdotes:
She was a bright, spontaneous, fun and quite beautiful child. Her learning issue caused a lot of distress for her in public school- she had a lot of school refusal and had mild social awkwardness in certain situations. She is the 3rd child and I often bribed her to get her to school, to do homework, etc. She had few boundaries and low emotional regulation. The year before we knew she had been ruminating on this, she had become deeply distressed and quit all activities, was tired all the time and pretty depressed. From there she became more socially awkward. She pretended she had tourette's syndrome and autism a few times, but we were able to shut that down. She put on 50 lbs during this time, cut her hair short, wears a fake nose ring and has small ear expanders in.
I have gotten her off of anxiety meds over the past few months, so now she only takes ADHD meds. We have drastically limited phone time and she has a part time job and should be working on getting her license soon. Along with Anime, she loves Hello Kitty, My Little Pony and anything that has some Lgbtq influence (Disney's Owl House and a few others).
Her personality is lighter, happier and she is exercising with a personal trainer and starting to watch her diet. Our relationship is back on solid ground and we want to use these therapy sessions to get her questioning. The last session brought up: she hates her body (overweight), she wanted to pee standing up and she did not get trans from the internet!
I know I gave you a lot to chew on here, but does anything stand out as a starting point on questions to ask her to get her to think without putting her on the defensive? We want to help her see the door so she can let herself out.
She recently gave up being vegetarian after doing it for 4 years from a school bet to see who could go the longest. The reason she said she stayed with it was because she didn't want anyone to say anything to her about it. :)). Thank you for reading all of this. I'm sure I've left out a lot, but I hope this gives you a picture.
Hi Stella, my husband and I have a quite close relationship with our trans FtM daughter. She’s 20 now and we’ve been at this for going on six years.
She uses a male name and pronouns at college. We don’t use the name but use a nickname instead. She wears a binder and guy’s clothes but is not on hormones (we’re quite sure of this). She has been telling us for years that she will change her name and then have surgery and take T once she is “mature” at about age 25.
She will be graduating soon and told my husband she is considering legally changing her name. This fills me with dread.
He chose his words carefully and told her that a name change is serious, just as surgery and T are significant changes to the body.
He also acknowledged that in her years at college (she lives away but has come home regularly and seems happy to do so) we have seen her become more confident and comfortable and this has been good to see.
So. I’m sure that from her POV, she is happy and confident because she’s living as a man, “as she is truly meant to be.”
To us, of course, she is growing up and, we hope, learning some skills that will make her employable (she’s at film school) and losing some little insecurities and learning how to get along in the world. She has done well at college, gets good grades and has friends (from what we can tell). (She had a serious relationship with another trans-ID woman but they broke up a few months ago.)
What can we possibly do or say to have her reconsider the legal name change?
Hi, this is extremely tricky, how often do you see her and for how long? Eg does she come home for weekends? Or longer? What does she know aobut your position on this?
She comes home sometimes on weekends, sometimes for longer. She may be coming home this summer.
She knows our general position: we love and support you but we have a lot of concerns about you being a guy. We have never used her male name or male pronouns, but her little sisters do and we don’t correct them.
My daughter went to study abroad in France her senior year of college 2019-2020. Covid hit, she stayed in France, graduated, announced she was non binary and went no contact for almost 4 years until last fall when she contacted us to make things better. We were thrilled, but not much happened as we waited to take her lead. Then last month, the French govt deported her (no work visa) so she was forced to leave. I went and got her and now she’s home, not by her choice. She had been receiving “gender affirming care” along with many meds for 3 years and is worse than I’ve ever seen her. I know we are in a unique situation, “at least she’s home” and I’m so grateful, but now what?? I feel this is uncharted territory. I’ve been watching your videos and detransitioners for insight, but my daughter is far from being there. She’s 26 now; I see the years she’s been gone as “arrested development”, very fragile, no resilience/tolerance to manage ideas different than hers. I’m trying to find that balance between letting her have space and time (it’s only been two weeks) and trying to carefully respond to her trans statements with truth and curiosity. How might we navigate this tenuous situation moving forward? She’s indicated she plans to get top surgery and start T which tries my patience for sure. I’d love to find a non gac family therapist in NY, but getting her there would be difficult. I appreciate any thoughts you have.
Thanks for this, I'll respond in the Q&A. What meds is she on? Has she been diagnosed with other conditions? Is she in a state of paralysis about trans and can't move forward or backward? Also what is her daily routine like?
She’s on 4-5 different meds that she says are anti-anxiety, anti-depressant, anti-psychotic, adhd, and something else. She’s not open to sharing the specific names. She was diagnosed with adhd, C-PTSD, anxiety, depression. (She said she really appreciated her french psychiatrist because he asked her to teach him about being trans!) Some of her ideas at times seem delusional/grandiose then she’s incredibly fragile and lacks resilience. But this could be attributed to meds and/or trans ideology. She’s got a significantly detailed white board “to-do” needs list (including how they relate to Maslows heirarchy of needs!) And involving steps to get medical insurance so she can see a psychologist/psychiatrist (so she can also move toward getting top surgery and T), find a job, housing, trans community, start paying overdue college debt, get car insurance, etc. I don’t think she’s capable of holding a full time job but I’ll certainly encourage it as I don’t want to pay or support anything connected to gender aff care or her financial responsibilities. This list shows us she’s motivated so I wouldn’t say a state of paralysis; I think she wants to leave home as soon as possible. We haven’t asked questions because it’s only been two weeks (but I’m ready to), and I know this may cause her to leap forward hastily. But shes also been sleeping a lot, not exercising because she said she had a seizure in France and damaged her teeth (I brought her to dentist). Stays in her room most of the time, up late, smokes weed and cigarettes. My only expectations for her have been sleep, nutrition, exercise, and getting outside. There’s so much I’m compelled to say (4 yrs no contact) but holding myself back because I want to do this the most effective way. I thought I had finally come to a place of peace over losing her; having her home is a whole other level of seeing my daughter and realizing it’s not her because she’s been fully assimilated. It’s awful and I bite my tongue daily. Thank you, Stella
I’ve reconsidered my response to your question about whether my daughter is in a state of paralysis, and I would now say, yes. It was such a shock for her to have to leave a city in France and come back to our country home and literally have to start all over again. Daunting for sure, but I think the paralysis is in large part due to her change in external circumstance as much if not more than her trans mindset
Q: what suggestions do you have for ways that I (the mother) can talk with my son (now 3+ years ensconced in the trans rainbow parade) who maintains some contact with me (e.g., comes over once or twice a week to talk the dogs, for pay) but is, as you'd expect, adamantly unwilling to discuss anything related to the health risks he's taking by being on estrogen (e.g., increased chance of cancer, heart attack, stroke, and--especially this, since he's always taken pride in being bright--early-onset Alzheimers). Since the first day when our son first announced his "true identity" and intention to transition, my husband has pretty much been playing mostly uninvolved "good cop." His initial response was "Well, whatever you want to do. It's y our life" and he's been totally/sometimes angrily unwilling to discuss anything related to our son's trans-ness. So: Dad initiates no contact with him--evidenly believing that he's an involved parent if he routinely uses our son's feminine name and feminine pronouns when talking about our son (I use a lifelong pet name & masculine pronouns). It's a mess, but I try to just sustain some family life (e.g., suggesting dinners at restaurants) and go through my days keeping my mouth shut. My main goal now, is to have my son receive occasional information--e.g., see the WPATH video--but he's created a watertight system that limits all sources of information to those approved by his cult. My husband *could* serve as a source of information if he were willing to do so, but he adamantly isn't. So. . . in sum: if you have any suggestions for how to breach the informational fortress, please share them. Thank you so much for what you and Sasha do. You are a HUGE godsend.
Thanks for this, i'll respond in the Q&A. It sounds like you're managing well under extremely difficult circumstances. Could you describe your son's personality a little? And what is driving his trans identity?
Sure, Stella; thanks. . . 1. personality: super detail-oriented, calm, very sensitive, stubborn, tends to have intense 3-5/year interests, funny, quirky, both creative (e.g., art) & strong in STEM areas; very, very strong sense of justice; formerly a super-rational thinker; never diagnosed as being on the spectrum but. . . 2. what's driving his trans identity: loneliness; not knowing how to deal with the challenges of late adolescence; a therapist at his college who, according to him, one day said, "Hmm: have you ever thought you might be trans?"; a need for certainty; a need for community; the desire for a father who's an authority figure he looks up to; the desire for a strong community who can protect him (as his probably overly protective mother did from birth-to-college.)
My daughter truly believes she is a boy. She is gay. She talks about an internalized homophobia. When I asked her what she meant by that she said that she had not been able to vulnerable with men. And that she did not want to associate with gay men for fear she might be seen as a gay man.
When she was in ninth grade she told me she was attracted to girls and she was afraid of them because she was concerned they might think she was hitting on them. The delusion is so profound, it is incredibly difficult to understand. Would you have any thoughts? Everything else in her life is falling apart and she creates chaos and crises so she does not have to think.
Just putting your answer here, so I can find it easily at the Q&A on Tuesday
We have never had a truthful conversation for many reasons, my husband is scared we will be cut off, she creates constant chaos around her so she is always in a state of crisis, and we are trying to keep her in university, she is profoundly unwell on so many levels and at the same time so incredibly funny and witty. She puts a lot of stake in being at University. My son is a huge impediment, incredibly harsh on me and both of us that we don’t know how to handle “him” etc. And that we were the worst when she comme out. That is the long version of we have never told her the truth. So no real conversations ever take place. Meanwhile my eldest who is also trans is in meaningful therapy and thought it will take time, I have more confidence there. Even though she is in hormones and my youngest is not.
Our 15 year old daughter has been identifying as a male for the past 3 years. Like many, she emerged from 11 months of pandemic homeschooling with a short haircut, a male name and a cause celebre-Trans. She fits the ROGD “type”, bright, artistic and socially awkward with a penchant for anime, fanfiction and social justice. She was always been an introverted (happily so) and private child. She regularly socialized with other children but rarely established meaningful friendships. She tended to gravitate towards boys more than girls when seeking playmates and was often reprimanded at school for chasing down boys on the playground and hugging them too hard. I never worried about her childhood behavior as I, too, am introverted and have had many male friendships throughout my life. My daughter was a tad tomboyish but no more so than I was.
When she began referring to herself as Trans, my husband and I thought it was just a phase. I, too, had a difficult time accepting puberty and impending womanhood. We tried 1 on 1 sessions with a non-affirming therapist but my daughter was uncooperative each time. We were the “walking on eggshells” family, using a gender-neutral nickname and they/them pronouns. Approximately 4 months ago the issue came to a head at the dinner table with her demanding we use he/him pronouns and that we call her our “son”. I calmly replied that we love her very much and that we will never lie to her. She may dress/present however she wants, love whomever she wants, but she will never be a boy, it is biologically impossible. Since that day she has completely cut me off, she responds to all questions with curt, one-word answers. Her eyes shoot daggers. Fortunately we live in a state where child medicalization is not available (thank you Jamie Reed!) and emancipation is not allowed until 18. Our daughter has threatened both.
Finally, the question: How do I repair this relationship as I know a healthy, loving relationship with our daughter is our only way out of this trans hell? I know she is being influenced online and has friends who are poisoning her against us as well. Thank you for all you do, you are truly a dragon-slayer and a hero(ine)!
Hi I'll respond to this in the Q&A, How is her relationship with her father? Did he also take part in the conversation about he/him pronouns? Has there been any sign of a reduction in hostlities? Is the situation getting better or worse?
Hi just putting your answer here so I don't miss it on Tuesday
Hi! My husband is a kind and loving man, but highly non-confrontational. During our heated discussion he remained quiet but his not rushing to accept her demands spoke volumes (he’s usually the good cop to my bad cop and has a hard time saying no to both of our daughters-a true softie). She knows he is not on her side on this one and he does not use he/him pronouns with her. The hostility has not subsided, I continue to be pleasant hoping for a break in the clouds but it’s still stormy skies. She’s less hostile with my husband but that’s par for the course. Sadly, the situation does not seem to be improving.
My 21 yr old lesbian daughter attends college out of state and lives off campus with a “roommate” we’ve never met. We’ve discovered the roommate is a trans identified male and we believe they are in a romantic relationship. My daughter has not discussed any of this with us. We pay for her apartment and all college expenses. When we see our daughter (3 or 4x/yr) she is sweet & genuinely seems happy to spend time with us. Maintaining my relationship with her is my #1 priority but I’m very concerned about her attachment to this “roommate.” Should I voice my concerns to my daughter? Or continue to pretend to be blissfully unaware?
I'll respond to this in the Q&A but first can i clarify? Is she really a lesbian? And is she in a relationship with a male? Also, what does she know about your position on this issue? Adn what is your position?
She came out as a lesbian in middle school and did date other girls in high school. So we figured she was actually a lesbian. But now, in college, she is living with a trans-identified male (who she refers to as a "friend"). We suspect it is more than a friendship. We are really confused about this and worried about this person's influence on her. We also don't want to financially support this and feel like she has intentionally misled us.
Thank you for your tremendous work, Stella. I had a parent session with Sasha earlier this month and told her that I believe you both deserve the Nobel Peace Prize, at the very least! My dear 12-year-old ROGD daughter is recovering from suicidal ideation, anorexia, cutting and perfectionism. Sensitive, artistically and mathematically gifted, and plagued by self-doubt and depression.
We have decided to enroll her in the local Catholic school next year, which is completely against gender affirmation and teachers and students will only refer to our daughter by her biological name. Students wear uniforms--it's co-ed and everyone is in pants and polo shirts and sweaters. We are joining the church connected to the school so that our family will be with her all the way. She doesn't want to change schools, but it is a wonderful program and the closest thing our family can do right now in terms of a fresh start.
I would love your advice on how to approach this situation--empower her, give her hope, and soften her defenses so that she can be successful in her new school. She was always a feminine child who had long curly hair and wore jewelry; now she has short hair, wears masculine clothes, never wears earrings. (Of course, I wish I could insist that she pierce her ears again and grow out her beautiful hair...) her ROGD definitely related to Tik Tok, Youtube content, and an older friend group (which we mostly have gotten away from); we have since replaced her smartphone with Troomi phone (no internet search capability).
Her trans identity was affirmed without our knowing at a residential program for eating disorders (ERC Northbrook, IL) wherein the therapist, psychiatrist, nurses, doctors, fellow participants in the program were all instructed to call her by a masculine name--and were all told to call her by her biological name only when we, her family, visited. She's been back home from ERC for 3 months, and here is what is working so far: rock climbing, a new kitten, new puppy on the way, pottery lessons, electric guitar lessons. Besides her engagement with these activities, she is often sullen, fatalistic, withdrawn and angry. She is currently being tutored by teachers at home a few times a week for the completion of 7th grade (5 weeks away). All of us in the family, tutor-teachers, rock-climbing instructor, etc.-- ALL call her by her biological name with she/her pronouns. Currently seeking a psychiatrist and pediatrician who will adhere to this as well, though so far this has been impossible. We are in a small town in Illinois.
My question: The Catholic school program is very small (only 11 other students in the 8th grade class she will be joining). (The high school is bigger.) The families are lovely, tight-knit--most of the students have been in school together since kindergarten-- one of the youth leaders did tell me that, "Not to sugarcoat it," but this may be hard for our daughter, as the families are conservative and very critical of trans ideology--I don't want to put her in a situation where she is further isolated; she is worried about being bullied and of course I am worried about that, too. Concerning to me: she told her sister that if we send her to the Catholic school, she will stop eating; I think we can mitigate this but it is of course a concern. I really, really want to move towards being child-centered instead of child-led, as you brilliantly put it. (Just purchased your audiobook Bully-Proof Kids which I will be listening to as I do garden work today!) I just don't want her to stubbornly "tank" her experience at a new school; "to cut off her nose to spite her face" has been her "method" and worldview for about a year now. Thanks so much for your insights, Stella!
If anyone has any recommendations for a pediatrician and for an adolescent psychiatrist anywhere near Woodstock, IL (or southern Wisconsin) who are working outside the gender affirming model, I would be MOST GRATEFUL. I have been thrown under the bus by my daughter's pediatrician, and by two psychiatrists thus far; they stir the pot of trans-ideology in front of my daughter, and we leave appointments with her agitated and upset, and the chasm between us greater. Because she is recovering from anorexia, we were doing weekly "blind" weigh-ins and a monthly longer visit with her pediatrician--but the pediatrician asked to speak with her alone last time, and though I told her I didn't want any gender issues raised with my daughter (and I didn't really want for her to speak with my daughter alone, but felt coerced into doing so)--we left the appointment with my daughter and I both upset. Her former psychiatrist during a check-in a month ago brought up the gender dysphoria during a morning in which my daughter had been otherwise peaceful and happy and had eaten breakfast and her morning snack; after the check-in (which I thought would only be about medicine management) wherein my daughter said she felt like a boy after having been asked about it by the psychiatrist, my daughter told me after the appointment that she wouldn't eat anymore. She refused meals the rest of the day until the evening when her dad sat with her at the table for an hour until she finally ate again. The last psychiatrist was a worse blow, as it is MY (now former) psychiatrist who told me specifically that he thinks gender affirmation is nonsense and agreed to meet with my daughter strictly to manage her medication. When my husband took her to the appointment, he said the psychiatrist was subtly triangulating in the meeting (psychiatrist-savior, Dad-aggressor; daughter: victim), then asked to speak with her alone; when my husband and daughter left the appointment, he was using "he/his" pronouns with my daughter! He totally betrayed my trust and I am furious of course (I won't be seeing him again either), but now I need to find an adolescent psychiatrist to manage her medication and a new pediatrician.
I also want to ask about presentation, and any asks my husband and I can have for our daughter and productive ways we might go about this: I want her to put her best foot forward in the new school in the fall and really have a fresh start--both internally and externally; I would like however we can, to insist she drop the trans identity with her new peers; in terms of appearance, I would like to ask her at the very least to remove the hair on her upper lip (all the ladies in my family do this, as the hair above the upper lip doesn't do any of us any favors :). Of course, I would also like to ask her to pierce her ears again, even if it's just to wear tiny gold posts or the like, and to grow out her hair (or at least do something to keep her gorgeous curly hair out of her eyes). She's such a gorgeous girl, inside and out, but seems determined to look as masculine and unkempt as possible. She was bullied in 5th grade because of the hair on her upper lip (we addressed this with the teacher--very wonderful teacher--at the time, and our daughter did begin to remove her upper-lip hair after that, but since the trans identity, has grown it out (and even "trimmed" it to be more conspicuous last summer.) One more question about appearance--do you, Stella/any fellow parents out there have any suggestions as to where we might find a swimsuit for the summer that my daughter might agree to)? She wore a bikini last summer (it was her choice), but I highly doubt she will this summer--I can't even get her to swim anymore--and she used to really enjoy it. I offered her a new simple one-piece, but she wouldn't go near it, nor would she choose any new swimsuit.
Most importantly, though, I want to report that in the last week (since I wrote my first comment on April 16th) her mood is really improving--the climbing wall continues to be FABULOUS for her confidence and she requests to go there daily (and I make it happen)--I have also signed her up for a fencing for new fencers course and a band camp (she plays the clarinet) through her new school, which will happen this summer.
I read Abigail's latest book Bad Therapy (awesome book) and I agree with her on almost everything--it's left me questioning, though, whether or not to go ahead with ADHD diagnosis/medication for my daughter. Sometimes I think that her inability to stay organized and her propensity for distraction is one of the main drivers for her hopelessness and lack of confidence in middle school... she is already on a very tiny dose of Risperidol and a regular dose of Lexapro (both of which seem to be helping to stabilize her mood) so I worry about adding ADHD meds into the mix...BUT it really seems to help people, and she does fit the ADHD description for females. I just want her to be able to enter her new school feeling as prepared and confident as possible. We haven't yet told her she IS FOR SURE attending the new school--and I would appreciate any ways of having the conversation with her--some instruction on how to be firm and kind and optimistic, while acknowledging that this is a big change and will have its challenges--but we feel this is the best way for her to have a new start, we feel the small class size will suit her, and we believe the academics will be compelling, etc. Loving your book on Bully-proofing Kids, Stella--getting some great insights there as well--can't thank you enough!
Also would love to say that my daughter and I used to be very close. I'm working really hard right now to heal our connection, as the affirming-care given at ERC really pushed us apart--my husband and I not affirming her new name, etc. really broke her heart and surprised her. We've had real moments of bonding the past few months--some great laughter, some friendly just being together--she likes to show me what she's learning at rock climbing, etc. Our relationship is definitely evolving, and I am holding out hope for more healing and new ways of connecting.
I will also say that I was able recently to speak about social contagion with my daughter--the concept of it--related to eating disorders, and even simple fashions/haircuts, etc.--a very lightly on gender--and my daughter seemed actually interested in these ideas (I just started out with a simple question, "Sweetheart, have you ever heard the phrase 'social contagion'?" She hadn't, and so was open to hearing about the concept...
I also mentioned at another time, "hey sweetie, you know that online 'trans quizzes' are nonsense?" Immediately she said, "I know that, Mama"--but the reason I mentioned it is that in looking back through her old cellphone on my own, there were multiple screenshots she had taken of "results" from bogus trans quizzes online--'congrats, you're 92% trans' and other such awful ridiculous stuff, as well as scripts she had screenshot about how to ask teachers to call you by a different name/different pronouns, etc. and how to blend makeup to look more masculine (though she doesn't even wear makeup anymore).
She's mentioned wanting to have a deep voice to one of her friends (she has a beautiful singing voice); she has all these quirks which she never, ever had before all the trans stuff--never wanting to be touched (she'll actually 'wipe off' a casual shoulder touch from anyone in the family), never wanting to share a sip of a family member's glass of water, her sister said the other day, what are you going to do when you are married someday, never let anyone touch you? and my daughter said, there are other people like that, too--and I knew immediately she was thinking about the series she is obsessed with Heartstopper, in which all manner of LGBTQ issues are explained (it's waaaay too mature for her and I wish I had never let her watch the series or get the books) including asexuality, etc.--claims she never wants to have children, etc.--she never said anything like this at all before the trans stuff--she had a crush on a boy in 5th grade, etc. We traveled to meet with Dr. Levine in Ohio a few months ago and though it was incredibly insightful for us--he is such a brilliant man--our daughter thought the whole thing was transphobic--our family and Dr. Levine, though his concept of the "chain of trust" actually appealed to her when I brought the idea up with her later... (SO loved the interview you had with Dr. Levine on GWL podcast)
About 18 months ago, my daughter had the realisation that her intense gender dysphoria was indeed developmental distress, that gender identity ideology was nonsense and that the medical industry was unethically targeting and damaging children.... and yet... she has such a deeply-felt hatred/fear of herself as a woman, that she still wants to pass as a man. Her thoughtful, critical thinking stopped at more holistic ways of dealing with her gender distress and her focus has stayed on the "medical transition OR DIE" narrative. Thankfully, and a little surprisingly, she's agreed to see an exploratory therapist ALONG with seeking medicalisation.
I was there through all the long walks and drives and talks as she tried to process (or simply calm) her cognitive dissonance when the ideology fell. I heard her talk about how she was "led into this" by the schools (sex-ed, wellbeing teams, teachers and peers) and the psychologist I originally sent her to for anxiety at age 12. She doesn't think she's a man - she just doesn't want to be a woman.
Long, long story short... She's now 18. Many of her peers are already in the early "euphoric" stage of cross-sex medicalisation. They shared information on which GP to go to see (in Australia, that's all you need) to get the drugs as quickly as possible, and how to change your birth certificate, so she's been doing that. I started by trying to be all "Well, you're an adult now..." but when it came down to her actually going to the first appointment, I hit her with all the good reasons not to rush into it. She has now flipped the narrative and blames me for all her cognitive dissonance and social anxiety and pain, and believes that she would have been ok if I'd helped her with hormones a lot earlier, and if I'd "just be ok with it" now.
I'm a single parent and she's an only child, so whatever we go through together, it's INTENSE. Now, we are like two strangers sharing a house. She comes and goes to appointments and college, and won't participate in anything that I suggest. She is lonely and miserable and my heart breaks for her. However, I struggle to look at her, knowing what she is doing to herself, and my heart sinks at the sound of her footfall or the weight of her stiff, sad presence in the room. Any attempt at a conversation lately has ended in tears - and more recently with her in a psych ward. I used to always be able to connect with her and make her feel better about things, but I am utterly exhausted and it all feels beyond me now. I'm scared to start another conversation for fear of what I might say or hear. It's been a long six years or so.
Your recent post on when to help your kid and when to let go - and the serenity prayer - feels right on the money... except I don't think God or anyone else has granted me the wisdom to know what to accept or change or how to know the difference. I am getting support from a therapist and an amazing local parent group, but I'm still struggling with the practicalities of managing this mess, and seeking various points of view. I value yours! Where do you think I might I go from here?
Thanks Stella - I'll have to listen to the recording as I'll be in bed in Australia at the time of the webinar. Apologies for the length of it. I tried to cut it down but it's still wordy!
I wrote a while back about my non-binary identifying daughter living in a liberal city in US going to a very liberal university. We talked about cults. I don't know if that rings a bell.
In any event, we've been going along forging a close relationship. I took her out a couple of weeks ago for dinner to celebrate the end of her term, and she wore a feminine outfit that she'd made a few years ago. She taught herself to sew during the pandemic and made these beautiful crop tops for herself and her cousins. Anyway, I didn't remark on it. She also wore a sweatshirt to work that had her birth name on it. She was out of laundry, but still... I didn't
I was weighing how to push our thought-provoking discussions forward but hadn't really done anything else....And then last weekend I put my foot in it while driving her to work. Long story shortened - she's taking a class on gender and sex in dance. She's science major with dance minor. Anyway, she told me about some of the readings and we ended up talking about gender unexpectedly. It left her upset. I think we were both upset for the same reason. We realized the other one was further away from our own thinking than we had hoped. She thinks gender is performative and is open to thinking (in spite of her science background) that sex is socially constructed. The good news is none of her classmates thought sex was socially constructed and they disagreed with her about performance, but they thought gender was a matter of perception, which my daughter and I both though was not right.
There were tears involved and she got upset that I wasn't more open. I apologized and told her I was trying to be open but I hope her mind was open too. Since then, we've seemed to be better. I talked to her about times when I was wrong or my opinion shifted over time. I told her I was glad that now understood better how she thought of gender and her gender identity.
I feel sad. I don't know why. She's doing pretty well. Not thinking about medicalizing. I don't know what to do next. Maybe nothing?
Hi Stella. I guess you are rather cautious when it comes to meds. Just as I am, but my daughter's psychiatrist suggests stronger antidepressives/antipsycotic drugs. Should I focus on the quality of life of my daughter just now? Or should we try to hold on? My 16 y. old. FtM with social anxiety and ADD has been on SSRI for nearly 7 years, and a minimal dose of medikinet for ADD (because of side effects). Her anxiety has worsen after 2 good years at the start. In last 4,5 years of transidentification she has become more anxious, depressed, dissociative, some self-harm episodes, and lately has developed eating disorder. I know that more potent meds could help her function better in school and with all distress. But I believe they only reduce symptoms, and without a good therapy my kid will not learn how to handle her distress. On the other hand, the docs say that she won't be ready and motivated for therapy or any progress as long as she is so distressed. My daughter doesn't push for stronger meds. She's afraid the effect would diminish with time (just as it happened with SSRI) and she would be left with no alternstives. She admits it would have been lovely to feel more confident and motivated. We have tried to engage her in other activities like pets, driving lessons, travel, but nothing sticks. Transfriends trumph all. What to do?
Hi Stella - my 18 year old son (about to sit A levels and go to university this year) is becoming increasingly enamoured with his trans girl identity. This has come to a head this year. He wears a full face of makeup. He has started to tong and curl his long hair. Much to my distress, in recent weeks, he has started wearing a padded bra. Two weeks ago I received missed call from an anonymous number. I listened to the message and it was the GP setting up an appointment with the ‘specialist’ for my son. I asked him straight away what was that about. He said ‘what do you think?’ and said he had gone to ask about going on hormones (the GP still has my number down for him, which is why they called me, thinking it was his number). He said he is sick of me not using his preferred pronouns or female name. To further entangle matters, I am a teacher at his school. School policy is to ask parents’ permission for pronouns/names. Following Genspect/Wider Lens guidance (that I agree with) that social transition is not neutral, I have asked teachers to use him/his and a neutral abbreviation of his male name. My husband and I do the same at home. My son says this makes him feel invisible and unlistened to. I told him about hormone treatment lessening sex drive and leading to infertility. He said he didn’t mind as he has no sex drive anyway and doesn’t intend to have children. I asked him what was being feminine to him and he answered ‘not a penis’. All this just made me feel incredibly sad. I also feel a lot of self-hatred about being ashamed of him and his trans identity around the school. He started expressing trans identity about 2 years ago, initially going for non binary and then wearing a dress, makeup and then in the past few weeks starting with the bra. I would really like you to talk a bit about where to go with this because I feel we are stuck. I followed my heart to stick with his real pronouns and name and was delighted to strike upon your podcasts that supported this strategy a couple of years ago (because my eldest son also went through this, our family is doubly cursed with this heart-rending social sickness). But it almost seems I’m pushing him towards the hormones as a knee jerk reaction to make me accept him as a trans woman. It would feel deeply wrong for me and for my husband to call him his female name and pronouns. Any words of advice or solace from similar scenes you have seen greatly appreciated. Thanks for everything you and Sasha do.
Thanks for this, it's an increidbly difficult situation where it's heads you lose, tails you lose on almost every decision, I'll give it some thought and respond at the Q&A on Tuesday
As you can imagine, 3-4 years brings a lot of history, so here is the short version to help identify the influences, as I believe there are many. :))
Our daughter was in a very small school for kids with dyslexia for grades 4th-7th. In 6th grade she ended up in a class of about 5 boys and she was the only girl. This is the same year she got her phone, and TikTok (because the girls all loved to do the choreographed dances together). Her cute boyfriend from the same school broke up with her right before school started. They only texted each other a few times over the summer, but this was an important relationship for her as she had always been boy crazy and he was her first official boyfriend. He was friends with all the boys in her class and she had to ride the bus for 40 minutes with him every day.... so you can imagine this was a bit devastating for her as she still brings it up as what helped her "find her TRUE self".
Meanwhile a friend (X) from her home school was heavily into LGBTQ stuff. Her older sister was lesbian and now identifies as trans. This friend (X) was constantly asking the two girls in this group what they were, and to pick something. My daughter loves to be drastic, so she chose trans (plus, she had wanted to pee standing up when she was little, so it was confirmed, this was her identity. Plus she was in class with all boys and she liked wearing pants.
From that point on, (X) pushed things on her - asked for a picture in her new bikini for camp and asked "do you feel gender dysphoric in that?" AT AGE 12!!!! Then proceeded to coach her on how to dress, what to tell us and how to change her name and pronouns at school. This friend told our daughter we were transphobic for questioning any of this.
Then bring in the helpful psychiatrist who we saw for ADHD meds- I had warned her of what was going on and requested that if it came up in session that she try to slow things down. Instead, when I was invited back into the room, she informed me that my child would try out his new name and pronouns at her girl's sleep away camp that summer to see how it feels.
Anecdotally, when I think back, I remember in 5th or 6th grade getting the letter from school that they would be discussing sexuality and gender in sex ed class and I thought nothing of it because why would I?
And once we finally woke up to what was going on (we had found Abigail Shrier's book), we went onto TikTok and saw that the algorithm was heavily trans influencers.
Add onto that, our daughter is obsessed with Anime (we believe she thinks she is an anime boy) and loves cosplay.
As you can see, there are a lot of influences and she is pretty dug in that this is her genuine self. Her new friend group (at the new school) are all on the rainbow- a few NB, a few trans and a few gay. Her new school is for kids with learning issues, so there are a number of Autistic kids.
She is still friends with (X), but not as connected anymore since it's almost 2 years since we moved away. I'm not sure how strong that influence is on her today.
I'll add in a few more anecdotes:
She was a bright, spontaneous, fun and quite beautiful child. Her learning issue caused a lot of distress for her in public school- she had a lot of school refusal and had mild social awkwardness in certain situations. She is the 3rd child and I often bribed her to get her to school, to do homework, etc. She had few boundaries and low emotional regulation. The year before we knew she had been ruminating on this, she had become deeply distressed and quit all activities, was tired all the time and pretty depressed. From there she became more socially awkward. She pretended she had tourette's syndrome and autism a few times, but we were able to shut that down. She put on 50 lbs during this time, cut her hair short, wears a fake nose ring and has small ear expanders in.
I have gotten her off of anxiety meds over the past few months, so now she only takes ADHD meds. We have drastically limited phone time and she has a part time job and should be working on getting her license soon. Along with Anime, she loves Hello Kitty, My Little Pony and anything that has some Lgbtq influence (Disney's Owl House and a few others).
Her personality is lighter, happier and she is exercising with a personal trainer and starting to watch her diet. Our relationship is back on solid ground and we want to use these therapy sessions to get her questioning. The last session brought up: she hates her body (overweight), she wanted to pee standing up and she did not get trans from the internet!
I know I gave you a lot to chew on here, but does anything stand out as a starting point on questions to ask her to get her to think without putting her on the defensive? We want to help her see the door so she can let herself out.
She recently gave up being vegetarian after doing it for 4 years from a school bet to see who could go the longest. The reason she said she stayed with it was because she didn't want anyone to say anything to her about it. :)). Thank you for reading all of this. I'm sure I've left out a lot, but I hope this gives you a picture.
Hi Dr. O’Malley, I have a ROGD daughter who told us she was trans three years ago. She was one standard deviation from the most feminine girls until right after her 16th birthday. It has been quite a journey these last three years, first terminating the relationship with her gender-affirming therapist a few months after the announcement, working with a new therapist in the summer of ‘22 who concluded that my daughter did not suffer from gender dysphoria to us pushing back harder on the need to isolate the variables and understand why she felt this way and avoid starting with the answer, I am trans and change 16 years of history. She started T in August ’23. She stopped in December after we agreed she would pause for 40 weeks and give us a weekly list of pros and cons. She restarted in February of this year but said she stopped again to abide by our agreement. The clock is ticking because she told us she will become financially independent in August when she goes off campus for her sophomore year. I am evaluating a few options. 1. Psychedelics, 2. Reaching out to a group of detransitioners who may be willing to talk to her. 3. She said she is open to therapy again. What are your thoughts on these approaches?
My vulnerable/ gullible 23 yr old ROGD Asperger’s/ADHD son has now cut off nearly all contact with me - I have found 3 years of online grooming , which started in lockdown , telling him how and which hormones to order online to self medicate , and is now telling him what surgeries to have where to get this done and how to crowd fund it - he is away at University where he has been engulfed in the trans world and I have very strong reason to believe he is being cohersively controlled and sexually exploited - as a mother, this sudden trans identity ( since lockdown ) doesn’t feel authentic - the speed with which this has progressed is petrifying , he never had a stop button , and all attempts to help have been rejected ( by the trans community) .
I am utterly terrified & broken ( my own mental health is in tatters) by watching the rapid deterioration of my sons mental and physical health & the irreversible surgery looming , (already having had major intestinal surgery, heart murmur and genetic high cancer risk) ( he is also now taking recreational drugs , Ketamine, acid etc along with the hormones and anti depressants ) and although all advice is there’s nothing you can do and look after yourself this goes against every maternal instinct . I think my son is in very real danger & I need some constructive strategies to alter this path . I still message with love, news from home and ideas for outings but these are hardly ever read. Please help
P.S The Exposure in the Cass report and coverage is obviously a huge step forward but seems to offer little hope / help/ protection for the vulnerable neurodiverse young adults ( Which seems to indicate would only cover up until age 24 on NHS ) who are already in this via black market sources .
Hi Stella- we have an almost 16 year old FTM. She has been identifying for 3 years, and we believe she started thinking of it a year before she told us. It is the typical ROGD story- her Tik Tok algorithm was loaded with trans content and one friend in particular was pushing lgbtq content on the friend group. Turns out our adhd/dyslexic daughter was highly suggestible.
She went into a deep depression before she told us in the middle of COVID, so we took the therapists advice to affirm or have dire consequences to heart. We allowed the name change and they/them pronouns.
Our relationship took a major hit as our daughter kept pushing for more things that we were not comfortable with. We took your advice (thank you so much for GWL- I found it 2-years in and it opened my eyes) and focused on rebuilding our relationship. She has a wonderful art therapist who is also listening to GWL and ‘gets it’s.
My question is this- we have started to do family therapy sessions now that our relationship is back on track, to specifically talk about gender. We had our first session 2 weeks ago and I brought up that I had watched some ftm influencers on YouTube and I could understand how alluring they make it look. My goal was to let her know that this isn’t her fault and to give her an out. Instead she got defensive and shocked that I could think that she was influenced by social media.
So my question for you- any advice on small things I can say during a session that will let her know she can get out of this, she is not to blame and perhaps to help her see what brought her to this conclusion (that she is trans at age 12) was a lot of messaging that she clung to rather than an authentic feeling she has had all along?
Thank you!
Thanks for your question, I'll give it some thought and respond in the Q&A. Are you sure of her path to this? Eg was the friend the most powerful influencer? Or the Youtubers? Where is this friend now? And how is she doing? And what does your girl think of her?
Just putting your answer here so that I can easily see it at the Q&A on Tuesday.
Hi Stella,
As you can imagine, 3-4 years brings a lot of history, so here is the short version to help identify the influences, as I believe there are many. :))
Our daughter was in a very small school for kids with dyslexia for grades 4th-7th. In 6th grade she ended up in a class of about 5 boys and she was the only girl. This is the same year she got her phone, and TikTok (because the girls all loved to do the choreographed dances together). Her cute boyfriend from the same school broke up with her right before school started. They only texted each other a few times over the summer, but this was an important relationship for her as she had always been boy crazy and he was her first official boyfriend. He was friends with all the boys in her class and she had to ride the bus for 40 minutes with him every day.... so you can imagine this was a bit devastating for her as she still brings it up as what helped her "find her TRUE self".
Meanwhile a friend (X) from her home school was heavily into LGBTQ stuff. Her older sister was lesbian and now identifies as trans. This friend (X) was constantly asking the two girls in this group what they were, and to pick something. My daughter loves to be drastic, so she chose trans (plus, she had wanted to pee standing up when she was little, so it was confirmed, this was her identity. Plus she was in class with all boys and she liked wearing pants.
From that point on, (X) pushed things on her - asked for a picture in her new bikini for camp and asked "do you feel gender dysphoric in that?" AT AGE 12!!!! Then proceeded to coach her on how to dress, what to tell us and how to change her name and pronouns at school. This friend told our daughter we were transphobic for questioning any of this.
Then bring in the helpful psychiatrist who we saw for ADHD meds- I had warned her of what was going on and requested that if it came up in session that she try to slow things down. Instead, when I was invited back into the room, she informed me that my child would try out his new name and pronouns at her girl's sleep away camp that summer to see how it feels.
Anecdotally, when I think back, I remember in 5th or 6th grade getting the letter from school that they would be discussing sexuality and gender in sex ed class and I thought nothing of it because why would I?
And once we finally woke up to what was going on (we had found Abigail Shrier's book), we went onto TikTok and saw that the algorithm was heavily trans influencers.
Add onto that, our daughter is obsessed with Anime (we believe she thinks she is an anime boy) and loves cosplay.
As you can see, there are a lot of influences and she is pretty dug in that this is her genuine self. Her new friend group (at the new school) are all on the rainbow- a few NB, a few trans and a few gay. Her new school is for kids with learning issues, so there are a number of Autistic kids.
She is still friends with (X), but not as connected anymore since it's almost 2 years since we moved away. I'm not sure how strong that influence is on her today.
I'll add in a few more anecdotes:
She was a bright, spontaneous, fun and quite beautiful child. Her learning issue caused a lot of distress for her in public school- she had a lot of school refusal and had mild social awkwardness in certain situations. She is the 3rd child and I often bribed her to get her to school, to do homework, etc. She had few boundaries and low emotional regulation. The year before we knew she had been ruminating on this, she had become deeply distressed and quit all activities, was tired all the time and pretty depressed. From there she became more socially awkward. She pretended she had tourette's syndrome and autism a few times, but we were able to shut that down. She put on 50 lbs during this time, cut her hair short, wears a fake nose ring and has small ear expanders in.
I have gotten her off of anxiety meds over the past few months, so now she only takes ADHD meds. We have drastically limited phone time and she has a part time job and should be working on getting her license soon. Along with Anime, she loves Hello Kitty, My Little Pony and anything that has some Lgbtq influence (Disney's Owl House and a few others).
Her personality is lighter, happier and she is exercising with a personal trainer and starting to watch her diet. Our relationship is back on solid ground and we want to use these therapy sessions to get her questioning. The last session brought up: she hates her body (overweight), she wanted to pee standing up and she did not get trans from the internet!
I know I gave you a lot to chew on here, but does anything stand out as a starting point on questions to ask her to get her to think without putting her on the defensive? We want to help her see the door so she can let herself out.
She recently gave up being vegetarian after doing it for 4 years from a school bet to see who could go the longest. The reason she said she stayed with it was because she didn't want anyone to say anything to her about it. :)). Thank you for reading all of this. I'm sure I've left out a lot, but I hope this gives you a picture.
Hi Stella, my husband and I have a quite close relationship with our trans FtM daughter. She’s 20 now and we’ve been at this for going on six years.
She uses a male name and pronouns at college. We don’t use the name but use a nickname instead. She wears a binder and guy’s clothes but is not on hormones (we’re quite sure of this). She has been telling us for years that she will change her name and then have surgery and take T once she is “mature” at about age 25.
She will be graduating soon and told my husband she is considering legally changing her name. This fills me with dread.
He chose his words carefully and told her that a name change is serious, just as surgery and T are significant changes to the body.
He also acknowledged that in her years at college (she lives away but has come home regularly and seems happy to do so) we have seen her become more confident and comfortable and this has been good to see.
So. I’m sure that from her POV, she is happy and confident because she’s living as a man, “as she is truly meant to be.”
To us, of course, she is growing up and, we hope, learning some skills that will make her employable (she’s at film school) and losing some little insecurities and learning how to get along in the world. She has done well at college, gets good grades and has friends (from what we can tell). (She had a serious relationship with another trans-ID woman but they broke up a few months ago.)
What can we possibly do or say to have her reconsider the legal name change?
Hi, this is extremely tricky, how often do you see her and for how long? Eg does she come home for weekends? Or longer? What does she know aobut your position on this?
She comes home sometimes on weekends, sometimes for longer. She may be coming home this summer.
She knows our general position: we love and support you but we have a lot of concerns about you being a guy. We have never used her male name or male pronouns, but her little sisters do and we don’t correct them.
Hi Stella,
My daughter went to study abroad in France her senior year of college 2019-2020. Covid hit, she stayed in France, graduated, announced she was non binary and went no contact for almost 4 years until last fall when she contacted us to make things better. We were thrilled, but not much happened as we waited to take her lead. Then last month, the French govt deported her (no work visa) so she was forced to leave. I went and got her and now she’s home, not by her choice. She had been receiving “gender affirming care” along with many meds for 3 years and is worse than I’ve ever seen her. I know we are in a unique situation, “at least she’s home” and I’m so grateful, but now what?? I feel this is uncharted territory. I’ve been watching your videos and detransitioners for insight, but my daughter is far from being there. She’s 26 now; I see the years she’s been gone as “arrested development”, very fragile, no resilience/tolerance to manage ideas different than hers. I’m trying to find that balance between letting her have space and time (it’s only been two weeks) and trying to carefully respond to her trans statements with truth and curiosity. How might we navigate this tenuous situation moving forward? She’s indicated she plans to get top surgery and start T which tries my patience for sure. I’d love to find a non gac family therapist in NY, but getting her there would be difficult. I appreciate any thoughts you have.
Thanks for this, I'll respond in the Q&A. What meds is she on? Has she been diagnosed with other conditions? Is she in a state of paralysis about trans and can't move forward or backward? Also what is her daily routine like?
She’s on 4-5 different meds that she says are anti-anxiety, anti-depressant, anti-psychotic, adhd, and something else. She’s not open to sharing the specific names. She was diagnosed with adhd, C-PTSD, anxiety, depression. (She said she really appreciated her french psychiatrist because he asked her to teach him about being trans!) Some of her ideas at times seem delusional/grandiose then she’s incredibly fragile and lacks resilience. But this could be attributed to meds and/or trans ideology. She’s got a significantly detailed white board “to-do” needs list (including how they relate to Maslows heirarchy of needs!) And involving steps to get medical insurance so she can see a psychologist/psychiatrist (so she can also move toward getting top surgery and T), find a job, housing, trans community, start paying overdue college debt, get car insurance, etc. I don’t think she’s capable of holding a full time job but I’ll certainly encourage it as I don’t want to pay or support anything connected to gender aff care or her financial responsibilities. This list shows us she’s motivated so I wouldn’t say a state of paralysis; I think she wants to leave home as soon as possible. We haven’t asked questions because it’s only been two weeks (but I’m ready to), and I know this may cause her to leap forward hastily. But shes also been sleeping a lot, not exercising because she said she had a seizure in France and damaged her teeth (I brought her to dentist). Stays in her room most of the time, up late, smokes weed and cigarettes. My only expectations for her have been sleep, nutrition, exercise, and getting outside. There’s so much I’m compelled to say (4 yrs no contact) but holding myself back because I want to do this the most effective way. I thought I had finally come to a place of peace over losing her; having her home is a whole other level of seeing my daughter and realizing it’s not her because she’s been fully assimilated. It’s awful and I bite my tongue daily. Thank you, Stella
I’ve reconsidered my response to your question about whether my daughter is in a state of paralysis, and I would now say, yes. It was such a shock for her to have to leave a city in France and come back to our country home and literally have to start all over again. Daunting for sure, but I think the paralysis is in large part due to her change in external circumstance as much if not more than her trans mindset
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Q: what suggestions do you have for ways that I (the mother) can talk with my son (now 3+ years ensconced in the trans rainbow parade) who maintains some contact with me (e.g., comes over once or twice a week to talk the dogs, for pay) but is, as you'd expect, adamantly unwilling to discuss anything related to the health risks he's taking by being on estrogen (e.g., increased chance of cancer, heart attack, stroke, and--especially this, since he's always taken pride in being bright--early-onset Alzheimers). Since the first day when our son first announced his "true identity" and intention to transition, my husband has pretty much been playing mostly uninvolved "good cop." His initial response was "Well, whatever you want to do. It's y our life" and he's been totally/sometimes angrily unwilling to discuss anything related to our son's trans-ness. So: Dad initiates no contact with him--evidenly believing that he's an involved parent if he routinely uses our son's feminine name and feminine pronouns when talking about our son (I use a lifelong pet name & masculine pronouns). It's a mess, but I try to just sustain some family life (e.g., suggesting dinners at restaurants) and go through my days keeping my mouth shut. My main goal now, is to have my son receive occasional information--e.g., see the WPATH video--but he's created a watertight system that limits all sources of information to those approved by his cult. My husband *could* serve as a source of information if he were willing to do so, but he adamantly isn't. So. . . in sum: if you have any suggestions for how to breach the informational fortress, please share them. Thank you so much for what you and Sasha do. You are a HUGE godsend.
Thanks for this, i'll respond in the Q&A. It sounds like you're managing well under extremely difficult circumstances. Could you describe your son's personality a little? And what is driving his trans identity?
Sure, Stella; thanks. . . 1. personality: super detail-oriented, calm, very sensitive, stubborn, tends to have intense 3-5/year interests, funny, quirky, both creative (e.g., art) & strong in STEM areas; very, very strong sense of justice; formerly a super-rational thinker; never diagnosed as being on the spectrum but. . . 2. what's driving his trans identity: loneliness; not knowing how to deal with the challenges of late adolescence; a therapist at his college who, according to him, one day said, "Hmm: have you ever thought you might be trans?"; a need for certainty; a need for community; the desire for a father who's an authority figure he looks up to; the desire for a strong community who can protect him (as his probably overly protective mother did from birth-to-college.)
Dear Stella,
My daughter truly believes she is a boy. She is gay. She talks about an internalized homophobia. When I asked her what she meant by that she said that she had not been able to vulnerable with men. And that she did not want to associate with gay men for fear she might be seen as a gay man.
When she was in ninth grade she told me she was attracted to girls and she was afraid of them because she was concerned they might think she was hitting on them. The delusion is so profound, it is incredibly difficult to understand. Would you have any thoughts? Everything else in her life is falling apart and she creates chaos and crises so she does not have to think.
Hi that’s very difficult for you all. I’ll address it at the Q&A. May I ask how does she respond if you confront her with the truth?
Just putting your answer here, so I can find it easily at the Q&A on Tuesday
We have never had a truthful conversation for many reasons, my husband is scared we will be cut off, she creates constant chaos around her so she is always in a state of crisis, and we are trying to keep her in university, she is profoundly unwell on so many levels and at the same time so incredibly funny and witty. She puts a lot of stake in being at University. My son is a huge impediment, incredibly harsh on me and both of us that we don’t know how to handle “him” etc. And that we were the worst when she comme out. That is the long version of we have never told her the truth. So no real conversations ever take place. Meanwhile my eldest who is also trans is in meaningful therapy and thought it will take time, I have more confidence there. Even though she is in hormones and my youngest is not.
Hello Stella,
Our 15 year old daughter has been identifying as a male for the past 3 years. Like many, she emerged from 11 months of pandemic homeschooling with a short haircut, a male name and a cause celebre-Trans. She fits the ROGD “type”, bright, artistic and socially awkward with a penchant for anime, fanfiction and social justice. She was always been an introverted (happily so) and private child. She regularly socialized with other children but rarely established meaningful friendships. She tended to gravitate towards boys more than girls when seeking playmates and was often reprimanded at school for chasing down boys on the playground and hugging them too hard. I never worried about her childhood behavior as I, too, am introverted and have had many male friendships throughout my life. My daughter was a tad tomboyish but no more so than I was.
When she began referring to herself as Trans, my husband and I thought it was just a phase. I, too, had a difficult time accepting puberty and impending womanhood. We tried 1 on 1 sessions with a non-affirming therapist but my daughter was uncooperative each time. We were the “walking on eggshells” family, using a gender-neutral nickname and they/them pronouns. Approximately 4 months ago the issue came to a head at the dinner table with her demanding we use he/him pronouns and that we call her our “son”. I calmly replied that we love her very much and that we will never lie to her. She may dress/present however she wants, love whomever she wants, but she will never be a boy, it is biologically impossible. Since that day she has completely cut me off, she responds to all questions with curt, one-word answers. Her eyes shoot daggers. Fortunately we live in a state where child medicalization is not available (thank you Jamie Reed!) and emancipation is not allowed until 18. Our daughter has threatened both.
Finally, the question: How do I repair this relationship as I know a healthy, loving relationship with our daughter is our only way out of this trans hell? I know she is being influenced online and has friends who are poisoning her against us as well. Thank you for all you do, you are truly a dragon-slayer and a hero(ine)!
Hi I'll respond to this in the Q&A, How is her relationship with her father? Did he also take part in the conversation about he/him pronouns? Has there been any sign of a reduction in hostlities? Is the situation getting better or worse?
Hi just putting your answer here so I don't miss it on Tuesday
Hi! My husband is a kind and loving man, but highly non-confrontational. During our heated discussion he remained quiet but his not rushing to accept her demands spoke volumes (he’s usually the good cop to my bad cop and has a hard time saying no to both of our daughters-a true softie). She knows he is not on her side on this one and he does not use he/him pronouns with her. The hostility has not subsided, I continue to be pleasant hoping for a break in the clouds but it’s still stormy skies. She’s less hostile with my husband but that’s par for the course. Sadly, the situation does not seem to be improving.
My 21 yr old lesbian daughter attends college out of state and lives off campus with a “roommate” we’ve never met. We’ve discovered the roommate is a trans identified male and we believe they are in a romantic relationship. My daughter has not discussed any of this with us. We pay for her apartment and all college expenses. When we see our daughter (3 or 4x/yr) she is sweet & genuinely seems happy to spend time with us. Maintaining my relationship with her is my #1 priority but I’m very concerned about her attachment to this “roommate.” Should I voice my concerns to my daughter? Or continue to pretend to be blissfully unaware?
I'll respond to this in the Q&A but first can i clarify? Is she really a lesbian? And is she in a relationship with a male? Also, what does she know about your position on this issue? Adn what is your position?
She came out as a lesbian in middle school and did date other girls in high school. So we figured she was actually a lesbian. But now, in college, she is living with a trans-identified male (who she refers to as a "friend"). We suspect it is more than a friendship. We are really confused about this and worried about this person's influence on her. We also don't want to financially support this and feel like she has intentionally misled us.
Thank you for your tremendous work, Stella. I had a parent session with Sasha earlier this month and told her that I believe you both deserve the Nobel Peace Prize, at the very least! My dear 12-year-old ROGD daughter is recovering from suicidal ideation, anorexia, cutting and perfectionism. Sensitive, artistically and mathematically gifted, and plagued by self-doubt and depression.
We have decided to enroll her in the local Catholic school next year, which is completely against gender affirmation and teachers and students will only refer to our daughter by her biological name. Students wear uniforms--it's co-ed and everyone is in pants and polo shirts and sweaters. We are joining the church connected to the school so that our family will be with her all the way. She doesn't want to change schools, but it is a wonderful program and the closest thing our family can do right now in terms of a fresh start.
I would love your advice on how to approach this situation--empower her, give her hope, and soften her defenses so that she can be successful in her new school. She was always a feminine child who had long curly hair and wore jewelry; now she has short hair, wears masculine clothes, never wears earrings. (Of course, I wish I could insist that she pierce her ears again and grow out her beautiful hair...) her ROGD definitely related to Tik Tok, Youtube content, and an older friend group (which we mostly have gotten away from); we have since replaced her smartphone with Troomi phone (no internet search capability).
Her trans identity was affirmed without our knowing at a residential program for eating disorders (ERC Northbrook, IL) wherein the therapist, psychiatrist, nurses, doctors, fellow participants in the program were all instructed to call her by a masculine name--and were all told to call her by her biological name only when we, her family, visited. She's been back home from ERC for 3 months, and here is what is working so far: rock climbing, a new kitten, new puppy on the way, pottery lessons, electric guitar lessons. Besides her engagement with these activities, she is often sullen, fatalistic, withdrawn and angry. She is currently being tutored by teachers at home a few times a week for the completion of 7th grade (5 weeks away). All of us in the family, tutor-teachers, rock-climbing instructor, etc.-- ALL call her by her biological name with she/her pronouns. Currently seeking a psychiatrist and pediatrician who will adhere to this as well, though so far this has been impossible. We are in a small town in Illinois.
My question: The Catholic school program is very small (only 11 other students in the 8th grade class she will be joining). (The high school is bigger.) The families are lovely, tight-knit--most of the students have been in school together since kindergarten-- one of the youth leaders did tell me that, "Not to sugarcoat it," but this may be hard for our daughter, as the families are conservative and very critical of trans ideology--I don't want to put her in a situation where she is further isolated; she is worried about being bullied and of course I am worried about that, too. Concerning to me: she told her sister that if we send her to the Catholic school, she will stop eating; I think we can mitigate this but it is of course a concern. I really, really want to move towards being child-centered instead of child-led, as you brilliantly put it. (Just purchased your audiobook Bully-Proof Kids which I will be listening to as I do garden work today!) I just don't want her to stubbornly "tank" her experience at a new school; "to cut off her nose to spite her face" has been her "method" and worldview for about a year now. Thanks so much for your insights, Stella!
If anyone has any recommendations for a pediatrician and for an adolescent psychiatrist anywhere near Woodstock, IL (or southern Wisconsin) who are working outside the gender affirming model, I would be MOST GRATEFUL. I have been thrown under the bus by my daughter's pediatrician, and by two psychiatrists thus far; they stir the pot of trans-ideology in front of my daughter, and we leave appointments with her agitated and upset, and the chasm between us greater. Because she is recovering from anorexia, we were doing weekly "blind" weigh-ins and a monthly longer visit with her pediatrician--but the pediatrician asked to speak with her alone last time, and though I told her I didn't want any gender issues raised with my daughter (and I didn't really want for her to speak with my daughter alone, but felt coerced into doing so)--we left the appointment with my daughter and I both upset. Her former psychiatrist during a check-in a month ago brought up the gender dysphoria during a morning in which my daughter had been otherwise peaceful and happy and had eaten breakfast and her morning snack; after the check-in (which I thought would only be about medicine management) wherein my daughter said she felt like a boy after having been asked about it by the psychiatrist, my daughter told me after the appointment that she wouldn't eat anymore. She refused meals the rest of the day until the evening when her dad sat with her at the table for an hour until she finally ate again. The last psychiatrist was a worse blow, as it is MY (now former) psychiatrist who told me specifically that he thinks gender affirmation is nonsense and agreed to meet with my daughter strictly to manage her medication. When my husband took her to the appointment, he said the psychiatrist was subtly triangulating in the meeting (psychiatrist-savior, Dad-aggressor; daughter: victim), then asked to speak with her alone; when my husband and daughter left the appointment, he was using "he/his" pronouns with my daughter! He totally betrayed my trust and I am furious of course (I won't be seeing him again either), but now I need to find an adolescent psychiatrist to manage her medication and a new pediatrician.
I also want to ask about presentation, and any asks my husband and I can have for our daughter and productive ways we might go about this: I want her to put her best foot forward in the new school in the fall and really have a fresh start--both internally and externally; I would like however we can, to insist she drop the trans identity with her new peers; in terms of appearance, I would like to ask her at the very least to remove the hair on her upper lip (all the ladies in my family do this, as the hair above the upper lip doesn't do any of us any favors :). Of course, I would also like to ask her to pierce her ears again, even if it's just to wear tiny gold posts or the like, and to grow out her hair (or at least do something to keep her gorgeous curly hair out of her eyes). She's such a gorgeous girl, inside and out, but seems determined to look as masculine and unkempt as possible. She was bullied in 5th grade because of the hair on her upper lip (we addressed this with the teacher--very wonderful teacher--at the time, and our daughter did begin to remove her upper-lip hair after that, but since the trans identity, has grown it out (and even "trimmed" it to be more conspicuous last summer.) One more question about appearance--do you, Stella/any fellow parents out there have any suggestions as to where we might find a swimsuit for the summer that my daughter might agree to)? She wore a bikini last summer (it was her choice), but I highly doubt she will this summer--I can't even get her to swim anymore--and she used to really enjoy it. I offered her a new simple one-piece, but she wouldn't go near it, nor would she choose any new swimsuit.
Most importantly, though, I want to report that in the last week (since I wrote my first comment on April 16th) her mood is really improving--the climbing wall continues to be FABULOUS for her confidence and she requests to go there daily (and I make it happen)--I have also signed her up for a fencing for new fencers course and a band camp (she plays the clarinet) through her new school, which will happen this summer.
I read Abigail's latest book Bad Therapy (awesome book) and I agree with her on almost everything--it's left me questioning, though, whether or not to go ahead with ADHD diagnosis/medication for my daughter. Sometimes I think that her inability to stay organized and her propensity for distraction is one of the main drivers for her hopelessness and lack of confidence in middle school... she is already on a very tiny dose of Risperidol and a regular dose of Lexapro (both of which seem to be helping to stabilize her mood) so I worry about adding ADHD meds into the mix...BUT it really seems to help people, and she does fit the ADHD description for females. I just want her to be able to enter her new school feeling as prepared and confident as possible. We haven't yet told her she IS FOR SURE attending the new school--and I would appreciate any ways of having the conversation with her--some instruction on how to be firm and kind and optimistic, while acknowledging that this is a big change and will have its challenges--but we feel this is the best way for her to have a new start, we feel the small class size will suit her, and we believe the academics will be compelling, etc. Loving your book on Bully-proofing Kids, Stella--getting some great insights there as well--can't thank you enough!
Also would love to say that my daughter and I used to be very close. I'm working really hard right now to heal our connection, as the affirming-care given at ERC really pushed us apart--my husband and I not affirming her new name, etc. really broke her heart and surprised her. We've had real moments of bonding the past few months--some great laughter, some friendly just being together--she likes to show me what she's learning at rock climbing, etc. Our relationship is definitely evolving, and I am holding out hope for more healing and new ways of connecting.
I will also say that I was able recently to speak about social contagion with my daughter--the concept of it--related to eating disorders, and even simple fashions/haircuts, etc.--a very lightly on gender--and my daughter seemed actually interested in these ideas (I just started out with a simple question, "Sweetheart, have you ever heard the phrase 'social contagion'?" She hadn't, and so was open to hearing about the concept...
I also mentioned at another time, "hey sweetie, you know that online 'trans quizzes' are nonsense?" Immediately she said, "I know that, Mama"--but the reason I mentioned it is that in looking back through her old cellphone on my own, there were multiple screenshots she had taken of "results" from bogus trans quizzes online--'congrats, you're 92% trans' and other such awful ridiculous stuff, as well as scripts she had screenshot about how to ask teachers to call you by a different name/different pronouns, etc. and how to blend makeup to look more masculine (though she doesn't even wear makeup anymore).
She's mentioned wanting to have a deep voice to one of her friends (she has a beautiful singing voice); she has all these quirks which she never, ever had before all the trans stuff--never wanting to be touched (she'll actually 'wipe off' a casual shoulder touch from anyone in the family), never wanting to share a sip of a family member's glass of water, her sister said the other day, what are you going to do when you are married someday, never let anyone touch you? and my daughter said, there are other people like that, too--and I knew immediately she was thinking about the series she is obsessed with Heartstopper, in which all manner of LGBTQ issues are explained (it's waaaay too mature for her and I wish I had never let her watch the series or get the books) including asexuality, etc.--claims she never wants to have children, etc.--she never said anything like this at all before the trans stuff--she had a crush on a boy in 5th grade, etc. We traveled to meet with Dr. Levine in Ohio a few months ago and though it was incredibly insightful for us--he is such a brilliant man--our daughter thought the whole thing was transphobic--our family and Dr. Levine, though his concept of the "chain of trust" actually appealed to her when I brought the idea up with her later... (SO loved the interview you had with Dr. Levine on GWL podcast)
Hi Stella -
About 18 months ago, my daughter had the realisation that her intense gender dysphoria was indeed developmental distress, that gender identity ideology was nonsense and that the medical industry was unethically targeting and damaging children.... and yet... she has such a deeply-felt hatred/fear of herself as a woman, that she still wants to pass as a man. Her thoughtful, critical thinking stopped at more holistic ways of dealing with her gender distress and her focus has stayed on the "medical transition OR DIE" narrative. Thankfully, and a little surprisingly, she's agreed to see an exploratory therapist ALONG with seeking medicalisation.
I was there through all the long walks and drives and talks as she tried to process (or simply calm) her cognitive dissonance when the ideology fell. I heard her talk about how she was "led into this" by the schools (sex-ed, wellbeing teams, teachers and peers) and the psychologist I originally sent her to for anxiety at age 12. She doesn't think she's a man - she just doesn't want to be a woman.
Long, long story short... She's now 18. Many of her peers are already in the early "euphoric" stage of cross-sex medicalisation. They shared information on which GP to go to see (in Australia, that's all you need) to get the drugs as quickly as possible, and how to change your birth certificate, so she's been doing that. I started by trying to be all "Well, you're an adult now..." but when it came down to her actually going to the first appointment, I hit her with all the good reasons not to rush into it. She has now flipped the narrative and blames me for all her cognitive dissonance and social anxiety and pain, and believes that she would have been ok if I'd helped her with hormones a lot earlier, and if I'd "just be ok with it" now.
I'm a single parent and she's an only child, so whatever we go through together, it's INTENSE. Now, we are like two strangers sharing a house. She comes and goes to appointments and college, and won't participate in anything that I suggest. She is lonely and miserable and my heart breaks for her. However, I struggle to look at her, knowing what she is doing to herself, and my heart sinks at the sound of her footfall or the weight of her stiff, sad presence in the room. Any attempt at a conversation lately has ended in tears - and more recently with her in a psych ward. I used to always be able to connect with her and make her feel better about things, but I am utterly exhausted and it all feels beyond me now. I'm scared to start another conversation for fear of what I might say or hear. It's been a long six years or so.
Your recent post on when to help your kid and when to let go - and the serenity prayer - feels right on the money... except I don't think God or anyone else has granted me the wisdom to know what to accept or change or how to know the difference. I am getting support from a therapist and an amazing local parent group, but I'm still struggling with the practicalities of managing this mess, and seeking various points of view. I value yours! Where do you think I might I go from here?
OMG - I had no idea that was such an essay until I posted it! Yikes - sorry!
Thanks for this I’ll respond at the Parents Q&A later this evening
Thanks Stella - I'll have to listen to the recording as I'll be in bed in Australia at the time of the webinar. Apologies for the length of it. I tried to cut it down but it's still wordy!
Hi Stella,
I wrote a while back about my non-binary identifying daughter living in a liberal city in US going to a very liberal university. We talked about cults. I don't know if that rings a bell.
In any event, we've been going along forging a close relationship. I took her out a couple of weeks ago for dinner to celebrate the end of her term, and she wore a feminine outfit that she'd made a few years ago. She taught herself to sew during the pandemic and made these beautiful crop tops for herself and her cousins. Anyway, I didn't remark on it. She also wore a sweatshirt to work that had her birth name on it. She was out of laundry, but still... I didn't
I was weighing how to push our thought-provoking discussions forward but hadn't really done anything else....And then last weekend I put my foot in it while driving her to work. Long story shortened - she's taking a class on gender and sex in dance. She's science major with dance minor. Anyway, she told me about some of the readings and we ended up talking about gender unexpectedly. It left her upset. I think we were both upset for the same reason. We realized the other one was further away from our own thinking than we had hoped. She thinks gender is performative and is open to thinking (in spite of her science background) that sex is socially constructed. The good news is none of her classmates thought sex was socially constructed and they disagreed with her about performance, but they thought gender was a matter of perception, which my daughter and I both though was not right.
There were tears involved and she got upset that I wasn't more open. I apologized and told her I was trying to be open but I hope her mind was open too. Since then, we've seemed to be better. I talked to her about times when I was wrong or my opinion shifted over time. I told her I was glad that now understood better how she thought of gender and her gender identity.
I feel sad. I don't know why. She's doing pretty well. Not thinking about medicalizing. I don't know what to do next. Maybe nothing?
Thanks, Stella! Sorry this is so long.
Thank you very much for this, I'll respond at the Q&A on Tuesday, it'll be recorded and put up on the Substack afterwards
Hi Stella. I guess you are rather cautious when it comes to meds. Just as I am, but my daughter's psychiatrist suggests stronger antidepressives/antipsycotic drugs. Should I focus on the quality of life of my daughter just now? Or should we try to hold on? My 16 y. old. FtM with social anxiety and ADD has been on SSRI for nearly 7 years, and a minimal dose of medikinet for ADD (because of side effects). Her anxiety has worsen after 2 good years at the start. In last 4,5 years of transidentification she has become more anxious, depressed, dissociative, some self-harm episodes, and lately has developed eating disorder. I know that more potent meds could help her function better in school and with all distress. But I believe they only reduce symptoms, and without a good therapy my kid will not learn how to handle her distress. On the other hand, the docs say that she won't be ready and motivated for therapy or any progress as long as she is so distressed. My daughter doesn't push for stronger meds. She's afraid the effect would diminish with time (just as it happened with SSRI) and she would be left with no alternstives. She admits it would have been lovely to feel more confident and motivated. We have tried to engage her in other activities like pets, driving lessons, travel, but nothing sticks. Transfriends trumph all. What to do?
Hi thanks for this, it's a really important question and I'll give it some thought and respond at the Q&A on Tuesday.
Hi Stella - my 18 year old son (about to sit A levels and go to university this year) is becoming increasingly enamoured with his trans girl identity. This has come to a head this year. He wears a full face of makeup. He has started to tong and curl his long hair. Much to my distress, in recent weeks, he has started wearing a padded bra. Two weeks ago I received missed call from an anonymous number. I listened to the message and it was the GP setting up an appointment with the ‘specialist’ for my son. I asked him straight away what was that about. He said ‘what do you think?’ and said he had gone to ask about going on hormones (the GP still has my number down for him, which is why they called me, thinking it was his number). He said he is sick of me not using his preferred pronouns or female name. To further entangle matters, I am a teacher at his school. School policy is to ask parents’ permission for pronouns/names. Following Genspect/Wider Lens guidance (that I agree with) that social transition is not neutral, I have asked teachers to use him/his and a neutral abbreviation of his male name. My husband and I do the same at home. My son says this makes him feel invisible and unlistened to. I told him about hormone treatment lessening sex drive and leading to infertility. He said he didn’t mind as he has no sex drive anyway and doesn’t intend to have children. I asked him what was being feminine to him and he answered ‘not a penis’. All this just made me feel incredibly sad. I also feel a lot of self-hatred about being ashamed of him and his trans identity around the school. He started expressing trans identity about 2 years ago, initially going for non binary and then wearing a dress, makeup and then in the past few weeks starting with the bra. I would really like you to talk a bit about where to go with this because I feel we are stuck. I followed my heart to stick with his real pronouns and name and was delighted to strike upon your podcasts that supported this strategy a couple of years ago (because my eldest son also went through this, our family is doubly cursed with this heart-rending social sickness). But it almost seems I’m pushing him towards the hormones as a knee jerk reaction to make me accept him as a trans woman. It would feel deeply wrong for me and for my husband to call him his female name and pronouns. Any words of advice or solace from similar scenes you have seen greatly appreciated. Thanks for everything you and Sasha do.
Thanks for this, it's an increidbly difficult situation where it's heads you lose, tails you lose on almost every decision, I'll give it some thought and respond at the Q&A on Tuesday
Hi Stella,
As you can imagine, 3-4 years brings a lot of history, so here is the short version to help identify the influences, as I believe there are many. :))
Our daughter was in a very small school for kids with dyslexia for grades 4th-7th. In 6th grade she ended up in a class of about 5 boys and she was the only girl. This is the same year she got her phone, and TikTok (because the girls all loved to do the choreographed dances together). Her cute boyfriend from the same school broke up with her right before school started. They only texted each other a few times over the summer, but this was an important relationship for her as she had always been boy crazy and he was her first official boyfriend. He was friends with all the boys in her class and she had to ride the bus for 40 minutes with him every day.... so you can imagine this was a bit devastating for her as she still brings it up as what helped her "find her TRUE self".
Meanwhile a friend (X) from her home school was heavily into LGBTQ stuff. Her older sister was lesbian and now identifies as trans. This friend (X) was constantly asking the two girls in this group what they were, and to pick something. My daughter loves to be drastic, so she chose trans (plus, she had wanted to pee standing up when she was little, so it was confirmed, this was her identity. Plus she was in class with all boys and she liked wearing pants.
From that point on, (X) pushed things on her - asked for a picture in her new bikini for camp and asked "do you feel gender dysphoric in that?" AT AGE 12!!!! Then proceeded to coach her on how to dress, what to tell us and how to change her name and pronouns at school. This friend told our daughter we were transphobic for questioning any of this.
Then bring in the helpful psychiatrist who we saw for ADHD meds- I had warned her of what was going on and requested that if it came up in session that she try to slow things down. Instead, when I was invited back into the room, she informed me that my child would try out his new name and pronouns at her girl's sleep away camp that summer to see how it feels.
Anecdotally, when I think back, I remember in 5th or 6th grade getting the letter from school that they would be discussing sexuality and gender in sex ed class and I thought nothing of it because why would I?
And once we finally woke up to what was going on (we had found Abigail Shrier's book), we went onto TikTok and saw that the algorithm was heavily trans influencers.
Add onto that, our daughter is obsessed with Anime (we believe she thinks she is an anime boy) and loves cosplay.
As you can see, there are a lot of influences and she is pretty dug in that this is her genuine self. Her new friend group (at the new school) are all on the rainbow- a few NB, a few trans and a few gay. Her new school is for kids with learning issues, so there are a number of Autistic kids.
She is still friends with (X), but not as connected anymore since it's almost 2 years since we moved away. I'm not sure how strong that influence is on her today.
I'll add in a few more anecdotes:
She was a bright, spontaneous, fun and quite beautiful child. Her learning issue caused a lot of distress for her in public school- she had a lot of school refusal and had mild social awkwardness in certain situations. She is the 3rd child and I often bribed her to get her to school, to do homework, etc. She had few boundaries and low emotional regulation. The year before we knew she had been ruminating on this, she had become deeply distressed and quit all activities, was tired all the time and pretty depressed. From there she became more socially awkward. She pretended she had tourette's syndrome and autism a few times, but we were able to shut that down. She put on 50 lbs during this time, cut her hair short, wears a fake nose ring and has small ear expanders in.
I have gotten her off of anxiety meds over the past few months, so now she only takes ADHD meds. We have drastically limited phone time and she has a part time job and should be working on getting her license soon. Along with Anime, she loves Hello Kitty, My Little Pony and anything that has some Lgbtq influence (Disney's Owl House and a few others).
Her personality is lighter, happier and she is exercising with a personal trainer and starting to watch her diet. Our relationship is back on solid ground and we want to use these therapy sessions to get her questioning. The last session brought up: she hates her body (overweight), she wanted to pee standing up and she did not get trans from the internet!
I know I gave you a lot to chew on here, but does anything stand out as a starting point on questions to ask her to get her to think without putting her on the defensive? We want to help her see the door so she can let herself out.
She recently gave up being vegetarian after doing it for 4 years from a school bet to see who could go the longest. The reason she said she stayed with it was because she didn't want anyone to say anything to her about it. :)). Thank you for reading all of this. I'm sure I've left out a lot, but I hope this gives you a picture.
Hi Dr. O’Malley, I have a ROGD daughter who told us she was trans three years ago. She was one standard deviation from the most feminine girls until right after her 16th birthday. It has been quite a journey these last three years, first terminating the relationship with her gender-affirming therapist a few months after the announcement, working with a new therapist in the summer of ‘22 who concluded that my daughter did not suffer from gender dysphoria to us pushing back harder on the need to isolate the variables and understand why she felt this way and avoid starting with the answer, I am trans and change 16 years of history. She started T in August ’23. She stopped in December after we agreed she would pause for 40 weeks and give us a weekly list of pros and cons. She restarted in February of this year but said she stopped again to abide by our agreement. The clock is ticking because she told us she will become financially independent in August when she goes off campus for her sophomore year. I am evaluating a few options. 1. Psychedelics, 2. Reaching out to a group of detransitioners who may be willing to talk to her. 3. She said she is open to therapy again. What are your thoughts on these approaches?
I hi Stella, I have a paid subscription but having trouble signing in and posting so hope you see post and I can participate in Q&A
My vulnerable/ gullible 23 yr old ROGD Asperger’s/ADHD son has now cut off nearly all contact with me - I have found 3 years of online grooming , which started in lockdown , telling him how and which hormones to order online to self medicate , and is now telling him what surgeries to have where to get this done and how to crowd fund it - he is away at University where he has been engulfed in the trans world and I have very strong reason to believe he is being cohersively controlled and sexually exploited - as a mother, this sudden trans identity ( since lockdown ) doesn’t feel authentic - the speed with which this has progressed is petrifying , he never had a stop button , and all attempts to help have been rejected ( by the trans community) .
I am utterly terrified & broken ( my own mental health is in tatters) by watching the rapid deterioration of my sons mental and physical health & the irreversible surgery looming , (already having had major intestinal surgery, heart murmur and genetic high cancer risk) ( he is also now taking recreational drugs , Ketamine, acid etc along with the hormones and anti depressants ) and although all advice is there’s nothing you can do and look after yourself this goes against every maternal instinct . I think my son is in very real danger & I need some constructive strategies to alter this path . I still message with love, news from home and ideas for outings but these are hardly ever read. Please help
P.S The Exposure in the Cass report and coverage is obviously a huge step forward but seems to offer little hope / help/ protection for the vulnerable neurodiverse young adults ( Which seems to indicate would only cover up until age 24 on NHS ) who are already in this via black market sources .