Parents can feel extremely distressed in the midst of this unfolding medical scandal. It thought it would be helpful to ask what helps parents most to cope
Talking to others in my situation has been crucial to my mental health, but hearing from those not trapped in this nightmare is equally important, especially major voices. This is why J.K. Rowling has been so important, given the massive, heart-stopping cowardice from those who can well-afford to speak out. Having those in any position of public power expose this scandal and support parents provides a massive sense of relief, since parents are largely disregarded and derided. The feeling that we are the front lines while being so vulnerable is an incomprehensible weight on our shoulders. Realizing that there was no army of clinicians or "believe the science" liberal legislators coming to our rescue was devastating.
Equally, Miriam Grossman recognizing and identifying the terror and grief borne by parents was life-changing for me and others she spoke to. Acknowledging our experience — separate from the experience of and focus on our children — was incredibly significant.
Honestly I needed all of these things during our teen gender ordeal. The first time I listened to the Wider Lens podcast, I sat in my car and cried my eyes out, because it was the first time anyone had made any sense (all the friends, therapists, online information, etc, were telling me I was a bigot for not wanting to rapidly transition my child).
The body/self-care piece was crucial for not just me, but my ROGD daughter. It was a regular aerial silks practice that brought her into contentment with her body and gave her a "thing" to identify with other than gender.
Reading about other parents’ experiences and collecting books/other resources that 1) reassure me I am not completely bonkers & 2) are evidence-based. Thank you.
Can you recommend evidence-based books to me? I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of two sets of stats, from both "sides", that are so far apart that I can't use them. My husband doesn't believe it's social contagion. I feel like I'm drowning!
It is not about gender, but a book Crazy Like Us: The Globalization of the American Psyche Paperback – March 22 2011 by Ethan Watters (Author) is an engaging read and might help your husband see the social contagion phenomenon.
Hi Cori, I've noticed that Helen Joyce's 'Trans' which is about the ideology rather than being trans often attracts male readers. I wonder might that suit him?
Also, I'm not a paying subscriber so I couldn't put my question for your Q&A elsewhere but I do have something I'd LOVE for you to cover! It has become widely known that Autism and gender identity have become linked together but I have not seen anyone that has addressed it specifically, such as WHY people on the spectrum might be more prone to struggle with their gender identity. My teenage daughter is on the Spectrum and there are multiple concerns that I have for her such as difficulty fitting in, low self-esteem, interoception, alexithymia, black/white thinking, hyperfocus on interests, and even being susceptible to being manipulated by others (online especially). Also, with the difficulties in accepting change and their sensory issues, puberty will completely throw them out of whack, which is what happened for my daughter, I believe. I am desperate for someone in the know to talk about those things first of all to help me eventually coach her (if she's ever open to it) but also to defend and protect her cuz why on earth would physicians allow someone on the Spectrum to make those HUGE decisions without talking about how Autism impacts them!
Am w you about feeling like drowning. 😖 Each kid/fam unique, but i sure believe soc contag/pressure/soc cred are significant. Lots of good books out there; faves: Gender Dysphoria (S. & M. Evans); Parents w Inconvenient Truths about Trans (Eds Josie A & Dina S); What Your Teen is Trying to Tell You (S. O’Malley). Also Genspect.org & segm.org & sex-matters.org have tons of evidence-based resources & book suggestions (e.g., research of M Biggs). Best wishes to you & all of us.
You bet! I will get back to you asap when home. Perhaps you have already preordered “When Kids Say They’re Trans” by Stella, Sasha (sp?) & Lisa. I can’t wait for that. 💜
Other: listening to gender a wider lens but also knowing when to stop and draw back. Having counselling myself and taking responsibility for my own happiness and understanding the need to step back ( but it’s hard!)
Knowing there are other parents is both an up and a downside. Within support groups we are preaching to the choir and none of us can do anything about it any of it. The heartbreak is all around. It's nice to know we are not alone, but what a horrible place to reside together. When will any sanity break through? One of my biggest heartbreaks is my relationship with my beloved brother and his family and what they believe about us. How has this happened? I am one of the 'olders' here and feel hopelessly abandoned in my later years.
Meeting other people who get it has the opposite effect on me. I end up feeling the injustice of this more. It’s so obvious that what is happening is wrong but we have to go along with it any. gaslighting.
Agree with the plus and minus aspect. Meeting person after person dealing with this insanity, yet not being able to get through to the larger populace about how devastatingly obvious and destructive this is, makes me more angry and more crazy sometimes. Most people don't care and don't think deeply about this. It's difficult to contain my rage. I can only hope for some retribution, although no level of accepting/acknowledging responsibility could ever be enough.
Totally agree! I've played tennis most of my life. Hitting that little yellow ball is so helpful. I've been benched with a knee problem - not sure if fixable. Really, throwing a wrenching into my self-care plans. Stella, loved that postcast you did once that talked about going to play tennis and not talking about the trans - not sure if you remember. You spoke directly to me!
Finding Wider Lens helped me so much, as well as accessing my own therapy, but the pivotal moment I had was when I met up with another mom who was going through the same thing. It changed everything for me. I no longer felt alone. That was the worst part about going through this. The isolation was so painful. My husband just could not understand it the way another mom could. So thankful every day for my friend.
All three mechanisms you mentioned help me cope but the reason I checked "other" is because what helps me most is understanding the complexities involved in trying to best understand and connect with my trans identified kid and her/his/their developing identity. Pleasure is good, exercise critical (I do it every day) and meeting other people who get it, helps to have empathic discussions but what I'm after is a deeper more meaningful connections in my life that makes my family the most important people in my life and so for me understanding is the best coping mechanism as it deepens these connections and allows me to see life from their perspective..
Well said. Empathy, compassion and love for the pain the kid is going through. So, hard when you just want to shake them out of it. I feel like I live in occupied France during WW2. Living in fear, struggling to keep hidden.
Meeting and talking to other parents, but most of all meeting health professionals like doctors, psychologists, nurses, physiotherapists etc. who are not captured in the ideology and understand your concerns.
All of the items listed help to support this crazy time we are living in. Definitely a balance of them all. Gender a wider lens is something I look forward to each week. Always reading and listening to us minorities is tough but they give me hope and also make me laugh. After 125 episodes I feel connected with them in a strange way. Maybe bc they have educated me so much and always lots to think about after. Connecting with others is also huge support to not feeling so alone & we are all handling this without anyone having much prior experience. Getting out in nature is also so needed for our physical/mental health.
TD I suspect we are not actually minorities, but rather a hidden majority. Though it certainly feels isolated when you're in the gender trenches with someone you love. And I also feel like Stella and Sasha are my best friends (even though they don't know me at all lol)!
I think reliable, relevant facts are so important, a solid base of robust knowledge that can withstand the onslaught of wild theories, opinions and basic lies.
My faith has been the most important thing, BUT I live it out with a holistic approach. God works in all things but He doesn't give you a shovel and expect you to pray for a hole to appear. My help comes from my relationship with my spouse and support of our family. I also have a some wonderfully supportive friends from all over the political and ideological spectrum who 'get it' as well as regular exercise, time for myself, and my own counselor. I wouldn't forgo a single one of these things, as they all work together.
Talking to others in my situation has been crucial to my mental health, but hearing from those not trapped in this nightmare is equally important, especially major voices. This is why J.K. Rowling has been so important, given the massive, heart-stopping cowardice from those who can well-afford to speak out. Having those in any position of public power expose this scandal and support parents provides a massive sense of relief, since parents are largely disregarded and derided. The feeling that we are the front lines while being so vulnerable is an incomprehensible weight on our shoulders. Realizing that there was no army of clinicians or "believe the science" liberal legislators coming to our rescue was devastating.
Equally, Miriam Grossman recognizing and identifying the terror and grief borne by parents was life-changing for me and others she spoke to. Acknowledging our experience — separate from the experience of and focus on our children — was incredibly significant.
Same. All of the above. I’m sick and tired of all this, want to get off the incessant merry-go-round.
shall we call it wretched-go-round?
Brilliant!
Honestly I needed all of these things during our teen gender ordeal. The first time I listened to the Wider Lens podcast, I sat in my car and cried my eyes out, because it was the first time anyone had made any sense (all the friends, therapists, online information, etc, were telling me I was a bigot for not wanting to rapidly transition my child).
The body/self-care piece was crucial for not just me, but my ROGD daughter. It was a regular aerial silks practice that brought her into contentment with her body and gave her a "thing" to identify with other than gender.
Reading about other parents’ experiences and collecting books/other resources that 1) reassure me I am not completely bonkers & 2) are evidence-based. Thank you.
Can you recommend evidence-based books to me? I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of two sets of stats, from both "sides", that are so far apart that I can't use them. My husband doesn't believe it's social contagion. I feel like I'm drowning!
It is not about gender, but a book Crazy Like Us: The Globalization of the American Psyche Paperback – March 22 2011 by Ethan Watters (Author) is an engaging read and might help your husband see the social contagion phenomenon.
Hi Cori, I've noticed that Helen Joyce's 'Trans' which is about the ideology rather than being trans often attracts male readers. I wonder might that suit him?
Also, I'm not a paying subscriber so I couldn't put my question for your Q&A elsewhere but I do have something I'd LOVE for you to cover! It has become widely known that Autism and gender identity have become linked together but I have not seen anyone that has addressed it specifically, such as WHY people on the spectrum might be more prone to struggle with their gender identity. My teenage daughter is on the Spectrum and there are multiple concerns that I have for her such as difficulty fitting in, low self-esteem, interoception, alexithymia, black/white thinking, hyperfocus on interests, and even being susceptible to being manipulated by others (online especially). Also, with the difficulties in accepting change and their sensory issues, puberty will completely throw them out of whack, which is what happened for my daughter, I believe. I am desperate for someone in the know to talk about those things first of all to help me eventually coach her (if she's ever open to it) but also to defend and protect her cuz why on earth would physicians allow someone on the Spectrum to make those HUGE decisions without talking about how Autism impacts them!
Thanks, Stella!!
Am w you about feeling like drowning. 😖 Each kid/fam unique, but i sure believe soc contag/pressure/soc cred are significant. Lots of good books out there; faves: Gender Dysphoria (S. & M. Evans); Parents w Inconvenient Truths about Trans (Eds Josie A & Dina S); What Your Teen is Trying to Tell You (S. O’Malley). Also Genspect.org & segm.org & sex-matters.org have tons of evidence-based resources & book suggestions (e.g., research of M Biggs). Best wishes to you & all of us.
Stella's soon-to-be-available book - When Kids Say They're Trans. :)
You bet! I will get back to you asap when home. Perhaps you have already preordered “When Kids Say They’re Trans” by Stella, Sasha (sp?) & Lisa. I can’t wait for that. 💜
Other: listening to gender a wider lens but also knowing when to stop and draw back. Having counselling myself and taking responsibility for my own happiness and understanding the need to step back ( but it’s hard!)
Oh and also the Facebook group ‘concerned parents …’ has been a lifeline so I know I am not going mad!
Knowing there are other parents is both an up and a downside. Within support groups we are preaching to the choir and none of us can do anything about it any of it. The heartbreak is all around. It's nice to know we are not alone, but what a horrible place to reside together. When will any sanity break through? One of my biggest heartbreaks is my relationship with my beloved brother and his family and what they believe about us. How has this happened? I am one of the 'olders' here and feel hopelessly abandoned in my later years.
So sorry to hear that. There are way too many accounts of broken relationships in this mess. It's both maddening and saddening xxx
Meeting other people who get it has the opposite effect on me. I end up feeling the injustice of this more. It’s so obvious that what is happening is wrong but we have to go along with it any. gaslighting.
Agree with the plus and minus aspect. Meeting person after person dealing with this insanity, yet not being able to get through to the larger populace about how devastatingly obvious and destructive this is, makes me more angry and more crazy sometimes. Most people don't care and don't think deeply about this. It's difficult to contain my rage. I can only hope for some retribution, although no level of accepting/acknowledging responsibility could ever be enough.
I feel that rage too and reading or thinking about trans are triggers. I found daily exercise very helpful for depression and anger management.
When people have told me 'oh but you don't understand it they bloody well ought to keep it to themselves where it belongs.
I feel like you sometimes and end up boiling over with anger and despair.
I find exercise has saved me from going round the bend.
I agree. i think exercise is underestimated as a valuable way to feel better
Totally agree! I've played tennis most of my life. Hitting that little yellow ball is so helpful. I've been benched with a knee problem - not sure if fixable. Really, throwing a wrenching into my self-care plans. Stella, loved that postcast you did once that talked about going to play tennis and not talking about the trans - not sure if you remember. You spoke directly to me!
Finding Wider Lens helped me so much, as well as accessing my own therapy, but the pivotal moment I had was when I met up with another mom who was going through the same thing. It changed everything for me. I no longer felt alone. That was the worst part about going through this. The isolation was so painful. My husband just could not understand it the way another mom could. So thankful every day for my friend.
I'm glad you have a pal to help you along xxx
All three mechanisms you mentioned help me cope but the reason I checked "other" is because what helps me most is understanding the complexities involved in trying to best understand and connect with my trans identified kid and her/his/their developing identity. Pleasure is good, exercise critical (I do it every day) and meeting other people who get it, helps to have empathic discussions but what I'm after is a deeper more meaningful connections in my life that makes my family the most important people in my life and so for me understanding is the best coping mechanism as it deepens these connections and allows me to see life from their perspective..
I love this answer!
Well said. Empathy, compassion and love for the pain the kid is going through. So, hard when you just want to shake them out of it. I feel like I live in occupied France during WW2. Living in fear, struggling to keep hidden.
yes.
Parent support groups
Finding your podcast and Do no Harm with Miriam Grossman who is fighting for kids with ROGD give me hope
Meeting and talking to other parents, but most of all meeting health professionals like doctors, psychologists, nurses, physiotherapists etc. who are not captured in the ideology and understand your concerns.
All of the items listed help to support this crazy time we are living in. Definitely a balance of them all. Gender a wider lens is something I look forward to each week. Always reading and listening to us minorities is tough but they give me hope and also make me laugh. After 125 episodes I feel connected with them in a strange way. Maybe bc they have educated me so much and always lots to think about after. Connecting with others is also huge support to not feeling so alone & we are all handling this without anyone having much prior experience. Getting out in nature is also so needed for our physical/mental health.
TD I suspect we are not actually minorities, but rather a hidden majority. Though it certainly feels isolated when you're in the gender trenches with someone you love. And I also feel like Stella and Sasha are my best friends (even though they don't know me at all lol)!
Aww that's lovely. I agree about the hidden majority. If we could only get this info out into the public I think 90% of people would agree with us.
Agree totally!
I think reliable, relevant facts are so important, a solid base of robust knowledge that can withstand the onslaught of wild theories, opinions and basic lies.
So true
Connecting with others and speaking the truth at every opportunity to reveal this nightmare madness!
My faith has been the most important thing, BUT I live it out with a holistic approach. God works in all things but He doesn't give you a shovel and expect you to pray for a hole to appear. My help comes from my relationship with my spouse and support of our family. I also have a some wonderfully supportive friends from all over the political and ideological spectrum who 'get it' as well as regular exercise, time for myself, and my own counselor. I wouldn't forgo a single one of these things, as they all work together.