The dangers of avoidance

With ROGD Awareness Day coming up this Friday, the 16th of August. I thought it was important to highlight how the avoidance of discomfort can play a key role in this issue.

One significant finding from the recent parent survey that I carried out is that many parents regret having avoided addressing their child's gender dysphoria. The general trend is that parents know that their child is clever, they know their child is loved and well-raised, and they believe that this will be sufficient material for the ROGD youth to pull themselves out of this crazed obsession. But it often isn’t. In fact, we underestimate gender dysphoria at our peril.

The thing is that avoidance seems like the perefectly logical response to ROGD. I totally understand why parents are lulled into this dynamic - everything you say can and will be taken down and used as evidence against you and so saying little seems like the best option. In addition, there is often a whole system of forces against parents - therapists, teachers, friends and relations - who are very keen to hammer parents for any perceived “wrongthink” in relation to gender identity. Nonetheless, as it is becoming clear that avoidance is a significant issue, it would be remiss of me not to point out the dangers of this, all the while acknowledging that it is extremely difficult to confront this issue.

Just like anorexia, the ROGD young person can be very easy to live with – as long as you do not interfere with their obsession. The anorexic teenager can be perfectly compliant, interesting and engaged in life but all the while they are using their fixation on not eating as a way to cope with difficult emotions. ROGD youths are the very same.

This leads parents into a false sense of security. While the parent bites their lip and has a constant underlying worry that the child might do something drastic, but reassures themselves that they seem in good enough form, the ROGD youth is actually carefully and continuously cultivating a false persona. This nurturing tends to happen online but also unfolds in school amongst other ROGD young people.

The false persona that the ROGD young person creates tends to be an idealised version of their real selves. If the ROGD kid is shy and awkward, their sought after persona is often brash and confident. If the ROGD young person is male, he might, for example,  covet gentleness and femininity, and as it is very difficult to be a feminine boy, the only way that he can conceive of being a gentle, sensitive, caring person is to become a girl.

The ROGD young person might play video games in their neo-identity or make picture boards or other activities involving creating a new identity for themselves that is often a long way from reality. Many of us naturally dream of becoming a better version of ourselves. We often recount stories where we appear more witty and articulate than we were, and that's perfectly normal. As humans, we are constantly striving to improve our lives, so it makes sense that we would also want to enhance who we are.

With ROGD however, it goes a good deal further than that. With ROGD the young person’s new identity has become an all-consuming obsession that holds the promise of a much better life. In this new life the ROGD individual believes that they will be able to live authentically and comfortably with themselves: everything will be easier when they can be this new person.