We Need to Complexify Our Understanding of Transition and Detransition

My interview with Keira Bell, 5 years post medical transition

I spoke with Keira Bell about Detrans Awareness Day and the challenges facing people who stop the process of medical transition. Keira began by reflecting on the phrase ‘Detrans Awareness Day’, pointing out that “transition” is the wrong term and “detransition” is the wrong term; they both offer a promise that arguably isn’t available. “As the years go on,” said Keira, “and more people are detransitioning—or stopping the process of transition—and figuring things out, people are also starting to realise that those terms aren’t really fitting anymore.”

We can’t step into the same river twice. When a person transitions, they believe they are going from A to B, and that when they get to B, life is going to be better. Then they get to somewhere near B and they realise that it’s not better. It’s not what they were promised. Some try to go back to A, and by the word ‘detransition,’ they think they can go back to A, but they can’t go back to A. In fact, they’re over at C.

Some people who detransition stop all interventions. Many have completely lost trust in their ability to make medical decisions and they have no trust that the clinicians can guide them appropriately. However, others have even more interventions, such as mastectomies for men and laser hair removal for women, in their attempts to reverse their medical transition. However, these interventions can be both physically and psychologically difficult. I asked Keira if she thought everybody has to find their own way.

“During the beginning of this process, I initially felt like I had to feminise myself,” reflected Keira, “but I wasn’t feminine to begin with. So it became confusing.”

I tried to try to make an effort just cosmetically, I guess, like shaving, changing my mannerisms, trying to be a bit more feminine and wearing, like more androgynous sort of clothing, and trying to lighten my voice in public, things like that, to try and, ‘pass as a woman’ again. And, yeah, it’s difficult and confusing when, for example, in my case, I was a woman with a deep voice and facial and body hair. I couldn’t be read as a woman again, for the most part.

So you have to either change yourself to appear more feminine, or you have to figure out a way to feel comfortable with the changes that have happened whilst having a firm sort of acceptance of your sex, I guess. So that’s kind of the stage I’m at now, where I’m trying to find that space of being a masculine woman, and not letting other people’s opinions affect my internal self-perception and how I feel about myself.

Detransition is not a simple process. It’s not a case of escaping from the ‘trans cult’ and living happily after. There are different stages after medical transition. First of all, there’s the hope and expectation, but then comes disappointment. And anger. From there it can go into all sorts of different places where some people become ‘lost in transition.’ Meanwhile, others try to move beyond their bodily presentation but often find that the world gets in the way.

Keira and I discuss how some females who have stopped their medical transition find that, because of their deeper voice and facial hair, they’re male to the outer world—in the shop, on the train, wherever—and then they’re female to their inner world, among people who know them. Many just let go of trying to control it. They don’t correct anybody. A worrisome aspect of this is that this double life can become a barrier to friendship and deeper relationships. Because at some point, in that strange in-between-time when you are starting to make friends with a stranger, a revelation is on the way. This creates an awkward strain and puts pressure on detransitioners’ ability to make friends.

“Yeah”, said Keira, “I’m at that stage where I’m just trying to figure things out. Because, I mean, authenticity has been a big thing for me. Like, that was a big reason, a fundamental sort of reason why I stopped transitioning. But now I can’t get away from it. Because when I meet someone and they’re like, ‘Hey, dude, what’s up?’ And it’s like I’m stuck within that, whether it’s friends you’re trying to make or more intimate relationships. It’s really difficult. And I just kind of get lost in my own mind with it. I mean, it’s not my fault (or anyone else’s). I can’t do anything about it if someone reads me as male… and I’m not lying to them, I’m not saying ‘Hi, I’m a guy.’ So it’s just how people are perceiving me. And so, yeah, it’s a bit of a head fuck. I’m just trying to kind of find my way with it.”

Keira remembers when she first detransitioned:

I was surrounded by a lot of the women’s rights campaigners and feminists at the time, who were saying things like, ‘Oh, you can always tell.’ And they’d say things to me like, ‘Oh, you pass a woman to me. Why don’t you go into the women’s bathrooms?’ And it made me second guess myself for a long time because I was being told in person and online, constantly, ‘What are you doing in the men’s, you pass as a woman.’ And then I’d actually start to think that, ‘Okay, so everyone can tell, okay, obviously, I don’t pass as a man, like, what was I even thinking?’ And then, for example, I’d go into a women’s bathroom and I’d promptly get kicked out. This happened a few times before I said, ‘No, I can’t continue doing that. Because it’s not good for me or anyone else.’

I can’t say what their intentions were. But they did seem to be politically fuelled. Because I mean, they’re the only people that have told me that, to be honest. Beyond that world, I’ve had a very different experience. I genuinely don’t think everyone I meet can tell something about me. People often think I’m just a small man. I often get perceived as a Latino man due to my height and features. The Latino community in my area approach me talking in Spanish all the time.

We spoke about the online rumours that speculated that Keira was re-transitioning.

That was a bit discombobulating, to be honest. It’s weird, because the more I’ve pulled away from social media, the more people speculate about me. Not only have I had this from trans rights activists, but also a lot of these women’s rights groups that were kind of egging me on a few years ago. And now suddenly, I’m kind of being looked at, or I’m being made a spectacle out of and they’re perpetuating these rumours that I’m re-transitioning. I don’t even know what that really means. I don’t know what any of these terms really mean. But I just know that nothing’s changed from five years ago, and how I perceive myself really. So by that definition, I’m still a ‘detransitioner.’

It’s been really frustrating, whilst I’m going through this process, having people speculate on what I’m doing, and talking about how I’ve grown my beard out. But I’ve done that multiple times over these past five years, maybe I don’t want to shave for a month or two. I mean, it’s just really ridiculous. And it starts to become like an invasion of my privacy. It feels I can’t just be, without someone speculating on ‘what’s Keira doing?’ It becomes a political talking point, as opposed to, ‘Keira is a human being that’s gone through this really tough time and is trying to figure life out with virtually no kind of familial, or close-knit friendship group and things like that.’ I’m doing this day-to-day, all on my own. And no one really seems to care. They just want to speculate on things that seem in my world to be really irrelevant to the bigger things that I’m dealing with. But anyway, all that to say, I think people need to rethink these things to be honest, because it’s more complex than whether I’ve grown my beard out or not.

For some reason, a random, anonymous, TRA on Twitter sparked some rumours about me re-transitioning and supposedly attending a trans conference. One of the women’s groups perpetuated this rumour of me ‘re-transitioning’ around the same time, and so on, and so on. I think it’s really disgusting, actually. It really made me quite angry. But I try not to let it affect me too much. Because I don’t know these people.

But, you know, it doesn’t really help my trust issues, to be honest. Which is quite ironic, because these are supposed to be women’s groups that claim toplace women as a priority. I’m someone that’s dealt with a lot of trust issues, and it’s not made things any easier.

You know, I never promised anything to anyone. And I don’t feel like I owe anything to anyone by either keeping people updated on social media or whatever the case may be. I mean, my intentions were to start the Judicial Review, and just kind of dip out after that. I wasn’t planning on doing anything else besides the case, really. I’m just trying to try to keep a roof over my head and discover more about myself and who I actually am as a person. When you start hormones at such a young age, then you adopt this identity that’s not even really you. I don’t really know who I am. I’m in a process of discovery, I feel like I’m starting all over again, like I’m a teenager again, sort of thing. So I can’t be dealing with pressure to conform to any sort of ideology or pressure to be public with my private life.

Many detransitioners report similar experiences. I wondered whether Keira had any advice for people who may have recently stopped the process of medical transition.

It’s been just over five years now since I stopped. I think it’s important for people who are just coming to terms with the malpractice that’s been committed on them not to put any pressure on themselves. I hope they try hard not to fall into that trap of feeling like they need to fulfil some sort of role, just like they did when they began transitioning.

I think it’s important for people to just to try and centre themselves and not have any sort of ideals or beliefs such as ‘I need to behave this way in order to pass.’ Because I mean, in the case of people like me, you’re probably not going to pass. Definitely not in that first six months to a year anyway. So just try not to get into that mindset. This is easier said than done, of course.

We also discussed how parents or friends can help a person who has been harmed by medical transition.

I think just be supportive, just someone to talk to. Don’t get involved with highly political people, or politicised organisations or groups. I think I think as far as support goes, it just needs to be open and forgiving. It’s a confusing process. I think most of us figure it out. Once the wool is removed from your eyes, I think you start to feel like you’re lying to yourself.

Keira and I discussed how she first started believing that medical transition was the right road for her when she was about thirteen or fourteen. She was prescribed puberty blockers at GIDS at the Tavistock when she was living alone in a hostel when she was sixteen years old. She had a double mastectomy when she was twenty and then, aged twenty-two, she stopped taking testosterone and thereby stopped her medical transition. Keira is now twenty-seven and so she was nine years within trans ideology and it has been five years since she moved out of this brain space.

Yeah, starting from thirteen to fourteen. I mean, not to toot my own horn or anything, and I think this for everyone going through detransition, I think it shows strength of character to actually pull away from that after building your whole life around it.

It would have been a lot easier for me to just say, you know, that I regret it, and I could have just continued on with it. My point is that this road has been harder than the other option. But I feel like it’s more important to go with the truth as opposed to what’s easier. Just to clarify, I think that’s the case with people that have you know, gone about as far as I did with procedures. I have utmost sympathy for people that have gone further and I completely understand why some people choose to continue with their transition.

I definitely feel like it’s possible and you can lead a fulfilling life after pulling away from medical transition. It’s still gonna take some time, I think maybe another five years and then I’ll be, hopefully, I don’t want to put a time limit on it, but, roughly, I’m hoping I’ll be in a lot better position then.

One issue is that I have no point of reference for myself when I was younger. I was in it from such a young age.  I think a person should be twenty-one or twenty-five if someone is going to transition, even thirty. Like, if you are going to do it, you need to have lived a life previously.

We spoke about a recent trend on TikTok where many young people are stopping their medical transition but framing it as another step on their ‘gender journey’. “The people associated with detransition are absolutely bombarded with hateful attacks. I can understand why a young person would not want to associate with that. I think they are scared.

What would help these kids?

I’ve said this before, and I know, it can sometimes seem a bit flippant, but if they could just go outside, go out in nature. And I know that working out has really helped me. I go to the gym. So if there’s any, you know, young masculine women out there. I think the gym is really helpful because it slows down the racing thoughts as well as dysphoria.

Over these past years, I think realising that my body was created to give life and things like that. I know this may be a horrible thing to think in your teen years and when you’re struggling with dysphoria, but yeah, I feel quite empowered by that. I think as I get older, I’m just realising the importance of coming to terms with how I am and that my body is powerful.

I also think it’s important to get out there and do something. You’re gonna have challenges, people are going to read you a certain way. And people might feel confused, you might feel humiliated. Like, these are all things I experience, but you’ve really got to just kind of take the bull by its horns and think that ‘This is my life. Screw anyone else. And I’m not going to let anyone else get in the way of that.’ I think it’s something that you need to find within yourself. I think everyone gets to that stage where it’s like, I’m just wasting my life away. It’s your life, it’s important to try to remember that.

As we were wrapping up our chat I asked Keira if she had any final words.

Isolation is always a danger. I’ve been extremely isolated but maybe I’m quite an extreme case. But isolation is a real issue. I’ve just got to get out there and meet people. Community is a really big one. Connection with other people is really important.

Detransition is a very complex process. I would ask people to please refrain from speculating about people going through this process as it is already hard enough, you know, and just a little more empathy and compassion would be great.

Heartfelt thanks to Keira for speaking about these difficult issues. I’m proud to be friends with this gentle, thoughtful, and sincere woman.

Genspect will be holding a free webinar for Detrans Awareness Day on Tuesday, March 12th at 7 pm EST. Please register here if you would like to join Laura Becker, Abel Garcia and Forest Smith to hear about the complexities involved with detransition:  https://us06web.zoom.us/webinar/register/WN_IXINvva0QKeC0O4M9rCo0A