Ray Alex Williams takes us through his deeply personal journey of autogynephilia, gender transition, and eventual detransition after eight years living as a transgender woman. Ray articulates how his cross-dressing evolved from childhood fixation to adult sexuality, how gender ideology provided a framework for these feelings, and ultimately how he found peace by accepting rather than medicalizing his experience.
About Ray Alex Williams
Ray (a pseudonym used to protect privacy) works in the tech industry after pivoting from academic philosophy during transition years. After spending eight years on cross-sex hormones before detransitioning in 2023, Ray now shares experiences through X, a YouTube channel and Substack.
Understanding Autogynephilia
Ray traces the origins of cross-gender feelings to childhood, describing early fixations on items like hosiery that predated puberty. "Paraphilias can manifest as intense fixations... you'll be fixated on something even if that fixation is not associated with full-blown arousal," Ray explains, referencing Dr. Ray Blanchard's work on autogynephilia.
Growing up in a religious household with strict gender roles contributed to Ray's feelings about cross-dressing: "I got caught cross dressing and my parents grounded me for like 3 weeks... I kind of knew my interest in this was forbidden."
From Cross-Dresser to Trans Identity
Ray describes how the transition journey began around 2015, during a period of increased transgender visibility in mainstream media. After watching Caitlyn Jenner discuss a history of secretive cross-dressing in an interview recommended by Ray's therapist, this led to reconsidering identity:
"I was like, 'Oh, you can be a trans woman and have a lifelong history of secretive cross-dressing and be a heterosexual male.' So I thought, 'Maybe I'm a trans woman after all.'"
Online communities reinforced this interpretation: "Once you start going on Reddit and talking about these life histories, everyone says, 'Oh, you must be trans.'" This social validation, combined with personal feelings, led to pursuing transition.
The paper "Becoming What We Love" by Anne Lawrence proposes that for some individuals, the desire to become female involves more than just sexual arousal—it can include emotional attachment and romantic feelings toward the image of oneself as a woman. Ray references this work when discussing the complexity of the experience.
Ray's Experience with Dysphoria
Ray offers an interesting perspective on gender dysphoria, suggesting that in this case, dysphoria developed after identifying as trans rather than causing it:
"I never hated my Adam's apple growing up, but once I wanted to pass, I knew that my Adam's apple would clock me as a male. So now I started hating my Adam's apple and started getting all this dysphoria."
Ray suggests, "People say transition is a treatment for gender dysphoria, but in my experience, the trans identification pathway makes the thing they're trying to treat so much worse."
A 2021 study by Lisa Littman surveying 100 detransitioners found that many reported their gender dysphoria was not alleviated by transition, and later came to understand it as stemming from trauma, mental health conditions, or other underlying issues.
Factors in Ray's Detransition
After eight years, Ray decided to detransition due to several factors including health concerns:
"I had a pulmonary embolism and pancreatitis due to elevated triglycerides from the oral estrogen... I realized if I go down this road, I'd need pharmaceutical intervention to regulate my hormone system for the rest of my life."
Ray’s experience is echoed by research linking estrogen use in males to both venous thromboembolism and hypertriglyceridemia-induced pancreatitis.
Beyond physical health concerns, Ray describes psychological and social considerations: "Living as a trans woman led to constant self-consciousness... I craved normalcy. I craved not being the person who sticks out in the crowd."
Research published by Littman et al. (2023) in the Archives of Sexual Behavior indicates that detransition is often driven by multiple factors, more often internal than external.
Managing Feelings After Detransition
Ray discusses an approach to managing what are described as autogynephilic feelings after detransition:
"Once I detransitioned, all that fetishism came back. I've basically compartmentalized it as something that's just in the bedroom," Ray explains. "Having some outlet is critical. Otherwise, you just psychologically torture yourself."
This represents an approach that Ray terms "integration" – neither completely repressing these feelings nor allowing them to dominate one's entire identity and life. Ray notes that finding success in dating as a man and building a positive masculine identity have been important parts of the post-transition experience.
Reflections on Sexuality and Gender
When discussing autogynephilia in a broader context, Ray offers this assessment:
"AGP makes your dating life harder. It makes your romantic life harder. It makes your social life harder... it's just harder to find relationships where you can fully integrate these desires in a healthy way."
Ray acknowledges that these views are based on personal experience, and that individuals may navigate these feelings differently. This account adds to the growing body of detransition narratives that are providing insight into the diverse experiences of gender.
Follow Ray Alex Williams
To follow Ray's ongoing journey and insights:
YouTube: Ray Alex Williams
Substack:
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