Some of this hits home hard. My mom REALLY wanted grandkids, wanted to be the primary grandmother, wanted to be active and involved. She put so much pressure on me starting when I was in high school. After grad school I had a couple of kids and it was great having family close by and having that support. My dad would watch my son when I was working part time. He really bonded with him. And then after my daughter was born, when my son was diagnosed with autism and was experiencing a lot of challenges and I had that going on and an infant, my mom decided she wanted to move 5 hours away because she thought the grass would be greener over there.
I can't even begin to describe how destabilizing this was and how abandoned I feel by my family, who moved away when it was hardest and when I needed them most. Worse, it didn't work out for my parents where they moved and my mom blamed me for not doing enough to make a 5 hour difference a 30 minute one even though I was extremely overwhelmed at the time and just trying to get by and frankly, if you move 5 hours away from your grandkids then you aren't going to see them as much as you would like and that was out of my control. She would barely talk to me by the time she died, and my dad is just in complete denial and has taken no responsibility for how this has impacted my kids and me. He strung me along for a year saying he would move back up here but then changed his mind because he would supposedly have to get a smaller house and therefore he'd have to get rid of his dogs (I wish I were making this up). In addition to wanting support and wanting my kids to have one grandparent in their life (the other three are dead), I worry about him being alone, 5 hours away, with no family or friends. What sort of a life is he creating for himself? And that's not even getting into my sister in the trans cult.
When I had kids I expected to have an intergenerational family thing going. I thought my sister would have kids and my kids would play with their cousins. I thought we would help, support and rely on each other. And now I'm wondering why I bother trying so hard to maintain some sort of connection with my dad because I'm not getting anything for it.
So I know what it is like to have that intergenerational support and then to have it pulled away. My son may never marry and have children because his communication challenges are so profound, but I've told my daughter that so long as she is ok with it, wherever she decides to settle down, my husband and I will retire there to be there for her when she gets married and has kids. The reason women go through menopause is so we can help our daughters care for their kids and I'm not going to forget that.
Meanwhile, I don't think it says anything good about our modern society that we prioritize selfish desires, career success, etc, over family. And because of everything I've been through, I have been trying to inculcate a sense of responsibility to my kids, that we have a responsibility to others in our community and to our family. But it really feels like swimming against the tide.
I thought the mutigenerational approach would be a great way to raise our kids, and there was a lot of positive but what I didn't anticipate was the competing values and overbearing judgments and expectations from the MIL. We romanticize the past, but it was an issue then too. That's why several of my grand aunts/uncles eloped and more. Lose lose or you get what you get. I do relate to the challenge of trying raise a more free range kid, but came up against the 100% lack of support in the broader community. You literally cant do it like our parents did, or you will have CPS at your door.
The Giver is eerily what we are in. And, the mother works hard to shun the daughter out of her desire to be a child bearer (I forget what they called them), a small but dad part of the story. It is like what is happening in the rented womb world we have now. I dont know how critically a middle schoolers can read that book, which is the age assigned to read it.
Aaahhhh! I had a similar experience to Stella’s with my daughter in the car when she was around 3. I locked her in the car accidentally as I went back in the house for a moment to get a jacket. I called AAA to unlock my door but I got so anxious that she started crying. When the AAA technician arrived, he was a bit judgmental of me, probably due to her distressed state, and mine. I think he chastised me, if I remember correctly.
I knew she was fine but I did feel that pressure to feel guilty!
Some of this hits home hard. My mom REALLY wanted grandkids, wanted to be the primary grandmother, wanted to be active and involved. She put so much pressure on me starting when I was in high school. After grad school I had a couple of kids and it was great having family close by and having that support. My dad would watch my son when I was working part time. He really bonded with him. And then after my daughter was born, when my son was diagnosed with autism and was experiencing a lot of challenges and I had that going on and an infant, my mom decided she wanted to move 5 hours away because she thought the grass would be greener over there.
I can't even begin to describe how destabilizing this was and how abandoned I feel by my family, who moved away when it was hardest and when I needed them most. Worse, it didn't work out for my parents where they moved and my mom blamed me for not doing enough to make a 5 hour difference a 30 minute one even though I was extremely overwhelmed at the time and just trying to get by and frankly, if you move 5 hours away from your grandkids then you aren't going to see them as much as you would like and that was out of my control. She would barely talk to me by the time she died, and my dad is just in complete denial and has taken no responsibility for how this has impacted my kids and me. He strung me along for a year saying he would move back up here but then changed his mind because he would supposedly have to get a smaller house and therefore he'd have to get rid of his dogs (I wish I were making this up). In addition to wanting support and wanting my kids to have one grandparent in their life (the other three are dead), I worry about him being alone, 5 hours away, with no family or friends. What sort of a life is he creating for himself? And that's not even getting into my sister in the trans cult.
When I had kids I expected to have an intergenerational family thing going. I thought my sister would have kids and my kids would play with their cousins. I thought we would help, support and rely on each other. And now I'm wondering why I bother trying so hard to maintain some sort of connection with my dad because I'm not getting anything for it.
So I know what it is like to have that intergenerational support and then to have it pulled away. My son may never marry and have children because his communication challenges are so profound, but I've told my daughter that so long as she is ok with it, wherever she decides to settle down, my husband and I will retire there to be there for her when she gets married and has kids. The reason women go through menopause is so we can help our daughters care for their kids and I'm not going to forget that.
Meanwhile, I don't think it says anything good about our modern society that we prioritize selfish desires, career success, etc, over family. And because of everything I've been through, I have been trying to inculcate a sense of responsibility to my kids, that we have a responsibility to others in our community and to our family. But it really feels like swimming against the tide.
Good for you. Your story sounds familiar to me, love has become so stressful for too many of us.
I want to meet Nancy after listening to this; I feel like we'd be instant friends! I really enjoyed and related to this episode. Thank you all.
I thought the mutigenerational approach would be a great way to raise our kids, and there was a lot of positive but what I didn't anticipate was the competing values and overbearing judgments and expectations from the MIL. We romanticize the past, but it was an issue then too. That's why several of my grand aunts/uncles eloped and more. Lose lose or you get what you get. I do relate to the challenge of trying raise a more free range kid, but came up against the 100% lack of support in the broader community. You literally cant do it like our parents did, or you will have CPS at your door.
The Giver is eerily what we are in. And, the mother works hard to shun the daughter out of her desire to be a child bearer (I forget what they called them), a small but dad part of the story. It is like what is happening in the rented womb world we have now. I dont know how critically a middle schoolers can read that book, which is the age assigned to read it.
Aaahhhh! I had a similar experience to Stella’s with my daughter in the car when she was around 3. I locked her in the car accidentally as I went back in the house for a moment to get a jacket. I called AAA to unlock my door but I got so anxious that she started crying. When the AAA technician arrived, he was a bit judgmental of me, probably due to her distressed state, and mine. I think he chastised me, if I remember correctly.
I knew she was fine but I did feel that pressure to feel guilty!