The holiday season can bring about a lot of worry and heightened emotions so I thought it would be helpful to try to address any concerns that parents might have.
We received the trans announcement letter (including medicalisation intent) a month or so ago from a young adult in their 20’s. It then looked like they had gone no contact on us which was a total U turn to prior behaviour and a major shock. I would never have believed this could happen. I always thought we had a good relationship. I think me questioning their sibling being trans unfortunately has done a lot of damage. One was a shock, two is incredible. After the first I now know better than to question; it just appears to cause damage. I am learning as I go, but learning too late. After a couple of weeks we finally got text replies, then a phone conversation and then to meet up. We have not talked about trans, we do not want to rock what looks like the fragile contact we now have. Generally they are very hard to get hold off now and unresponsive. This is a real U turn in behaviour. I am devastated by this heavily reduced contact. I don’t understand why a new identity means reducing contact with your family and really want to keep the relationship we had. But how? I keep reaching out. I get sporadic responses, often many days after a text and phone calls are just not answered. This is such uncharacteristic and concerning behaviour. Any advice on how we restore the relationship.
Post menopausal women are no longer encouraged to take estrogen due to increased heart problems. Is there any studies/evidence of heart issues for males taking high doses of estrogen? Our song was diagnosed with a non threatening irregular heart beat as a toddler.
After an initial blow up and then two years of ‘going quiet’ and leaning in with love, I’ve started to gently tip-toe in with having difficult conversations with my 16 year old trans identifying daughter. It feels important for us to talk about how her decisions affect the well-being of others in our family. Her three sisters (2 older, 1 younger) have to ‘be cool’ with this charade at high school and in almost all social settings and it is draining on them. Even a minor thing like ‘do we put up the stockings’ with her “deadname” causes me grief but I feel like if I talk about this I’m making it about me. If I knew that she had a crumb of insight into the repercussions of this situation in the family, it might soothe my anger a bit. Like, does she even consider grandma’s feelings when she reads the Christmas program with the new trans name plastered all over? Humility has always been a cornerstone of our family culture and her narcissism makes it so hard to connect with her.
What questions would you encourage a child to ask at a gender clinic? I have an 18 year old daughter who has made an appointment at a gender clinic to discuss testosterone. I am lucky in that we have a close relationship and she knows I have concerns and is willing to hear me out. In her mind this is what she has been waiting for for three years, but I know deep down she is risk averse and values my opinion. I want her to be fully informed about this decision.
My mistake! Please see below for some suggestions re testosterone.
• I see that vaginal atrophy is an issue with long-term use of testosterone. This atrophy leads to tearing, micro abrasions, bleeding, and painful intercourse. Do you know of any medication that can help reduce the pain involved?
- What does the research say about long-term outcomes for patients? I know athletes who take testosterone suffer a lot of medical complications.
• How soon will male pattern balding become an issue? Is there anything that can be done to prevent this?
Many transmen suffer testosterone related acne, is there anythin that can be done to prevent this?
- I read about how transmen have an elevated risk of erythrocytosis, a condition which slows the blood flow, and can lead to headaches, confusion, high blood pressure, nosebleeds, blurred vision, itching and fatigue; is there anything that can be done to prevent this?
- What percentage of patients develop vaginal infections as a result of T?
• I know that transmen are four or five times as likely as females in general to suffer a heart attack, what can be done to reduce this risk?
- What percentage of patients stop and start T? I read about how transmen can become anxious, perhaps this is a reason why they stop and start? Or maybe it's painful intercourse and painful orgasms?
• I know that testosterone brings about brain aging and a decline in cognitive processing. What is the timeline in this?
• I am aware of the negative impact on fertility and ovarian follicle health, how soon will infertility become an issue to contend with?
- What percentage experience a worsening of mood and general well-being as a consequence of long-term use of testosterone?
• After five years on testosterone, it is very likely that the vaginal infections and the vaginal pain will lead to a hysterectomy. What is the percentage of medical complications following hysterectomy? Does the patient experience menopausal symptoms after a hysterectomy?
My husband says ask them to show her pictures of all the changes that will I cut in your body include enlarged clitoris. Sorry for being so direct. I too would love a list of question on restoring as our daughter has also made an appointment. We would like a series of questions to ask her as to what she is feeling right now. And what she feels the need to médicalise.
Finally my concern is that this will precipitate her wanting to change names legally, operations etc as she studies in a country completely in support of the ideology
My question is around the passports. My two daughters fell in that sweet spot where they could change their gender from female to male. We did everything in our power to stop it. But now we feel with this new Trump directive it is a great opportunity to have a conversation. My daughters come to this for very different reasons. One was bullied is on the spectrum and found a way to be special. Her health is definitely affected by the testosterone. The other is militant, it is her shield and armour against recognizing she is gay and from an assault when she was nine. Only recently have I learned about complex trauma and the modalities. This describes my youngest to à t. She became her own island, rejected us, detached from us amd we could not reach her. She refuses therapy. Now our relationship is much improved. She is in T and so feels she can no longer be touched. She refuses to engage in any conversations regarding her choices. But I am convinced she is reading all the things being touted by activist regarding the passport o Ly further demonizing the right etc. Any advice would be much appreciated
Thank you Stella. Today was so helpful, as always. You help me, and many others, cope -- every single day. I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas, full of special moments.
I have another question. I won't be phrasing it very well, but it's been on my mind a lot lately. I'm an immigrant. I've integrated quite well but have ultimately held on to my culture — values, holidays, attitude to childrearing. When it comes to the child who has been identifying as trans for the last several years (and who may be desisting), it is very clear that she has developed her own set of cultural values that align more with the US (which she's never been to, it's all internet stuff), so neither my culture of origin nor the country we all live in. My other kids align much more with local culture, on the other hand.
This creates a disconnect in our relationship that ultimately boils down to individualism vs collectivism. I'm wondering if you have any tips on broaching this topic in an easygoing way that will help us both understand what's important to us better.
I think there can be a great opportunity in this context. You child is searching for her identity, right now it's all about her gender identity but there are many facets to a person's identity and, if this is handled skillfully, it can open your child's mind to the complexity of being human. I'll discuss this further at the Q&A
I'm the parent of a 17.5 year old transgender non-binary female. She “came out” roughly a year ago following a year+ of clinical depression. During that time she was also diagnosed with ASD, although extremely high-functioning. She also has weight & sleep problems and PCOS. She has been seeing various psychologists and psychiatrists throughout the entire period. Being non-binary makes it even more complicated for us as parents to follow her thought process since she’s not a textbook “trans” – she doesn’t care much about pronouns or social transition, and has no interest in “passing/presenting” as any specific gender.
In general we have a healthy and trusting relationship with her, she shares her thoughts and feelings with us, and we are able to discuss almost any topic in an open and honest manner. She is *extremely* intelligent and in most situations she is able to entertain different viewpoints and make well-reasoned and justifiable decisions. However, when it comes to gender she is rigidly locked-in to her world view and is unwilling to consider any opinion except her own.
Socially she is very shy and has few friends. Her entire social circle is composed of gender-challenged, mostly trans, mostly autistic youth. Her only social activities (IRL and online) are in LGBT and/or trans communities. AFAIK she has never been in a romantic relationship.
She recently reached the point where she feels she is ready for both hormone therapy and top surgery. She is very well-read and is knowledgeable about the procedures, side-effects, testimonials of both success cases as well as de-transitioners with regrets. She openly admits that there’s a non-zero (but low) chance that she will have future regrets, but also has a pile of pre-canned explanations to deflect any reasons not to try (“the detransitioners weren’t really trans to begin with “, “I’m not attempting to pass as male or to transform into one”, “I don’t have internalized homophobia”, “I have lots of comorbidities but my dysphoria is a cause not an effect”).
She in searching for relevant surgeons. Some told her that she is too fat and they won't operate her. She is trying to find a surgeon who will operate her. She is not willing to loose weight (it doesn't seem reasonable to her. When we try to talk to her regarding weight she wouldn't listen).
1. We are desperately searching for ideas which could help convince her to wait a few more years, or to consider alternative non-medical options.
2. Can you list some non-medical options to deal with gender dysphoria? I always hear self acceptance. How can you help someone to self accept his/her body? What are other non-medical options?
I found your podcast with Sasha in September after listening to you on a webinar. I've listened and watched many episodes. Thank you for all you do. it's been life-changing.
My 18-year-old daughter came out to my ex-husband and me as nonbinary last November. She had entered college at 17 and started using her new name (male) and new pronouns - they/them. She also had entered gender inclusive housing without telling us and had a trans-identified female roommate (cross sex hormones but no surgeries.) My daughter said she wanted to start testosterone – saying the effects could be reversible! When I asked why the hormones – she said that she wanted to redistribute fat on her body and didn’t like her hips.
I’ll try to shorten this because so much happened. My ex-husband and I were luckily on the exact same page initially (and still are though we’ve had slightly different approaches) and we banded together. I went down the research rabbit hole and sent him articles. He had the kids for Christmas and initiated a conversation that resulted in our daughter thanking him for caring and agreeing to not start hormones until she’s sure. (this is a great story but so long!)
It's been a year now of not being entirely sure what we should do now. After that initial conversation, my ex-husband went into absolute affirmation in the hope that reverse psychology would be effective. I was more “oh well” – there’s nothing I can do.
My daughter lived with me over the summer. We spent a lot of quality time doing things that we’ve always loved to do together and new things like taking swing dancing lessons. We had two emotional conversations about misgendering that involved tears from both of us but ended with us feeling closer. I got to tell her that I “saw” her and told her the ways I liked her nonbinary identity but also reiterated my worry about medicalization and permanent physical changes.
In the middle of this, my ex-husband and I found your podcast and discovered that social transition is much more serious than we had thought initially. I forgot to mention my daughter was using a breast binder too. Now, we wonder what to do. I decided to ask if my daughter would be willing to tell me well ahead of any medicalization so that we can discuss it together. I told her it was about my own anxiety and that I trusted her to make her own decisions but feel responsible for giving her my best advice and guidance as her parent. She doesn’t have current plans to medicalize and agreed to tell me well ahead. I told her great, so I can let her to come to me about issues around gender.
Other factors are my daughter is having a very cute relationship with a boy who she’s been friends with all of last year. She’s in love. This relationship and an obsession with swing dancing is occupying most of her time and energy plus school and work. But she’s still using the name, pronouns, mostly dressing like a boy but some times wearing dresses and skirts. Still wearing breast binder but not always. She’s turning to me for advice about friendships and relationships.
My question, Stella, is how are we doing? How worried should I be? What, if anything, should we do at this point. So sorry for the length of this post! I’ve left out so much!
Hi Stella, I seem to have birth control pills on the brain! Did you see the recent Jordan Peterson interview with Sarah Hill, Phd? Very interesting and I've been listening to her audio book: This is Your Brain on Birth Control. Wonder if this has anything to do with increase in trans in young girls/women who may be on birth control as the pill alters normal estrogen/progesterone levels. In fact, I learned that the older bcp's have a form of testosterone as a precursor to the formation of progesterone.
My 23 year old is on birth control for medical reasons and intermittent contraception. The particular brand she is on prevents her monthly menstruation from occurring. I am wondering about this. May it help or hinder her feeling that "I don't feel like a girl or a boy"? Any kind of breakthrough bleeding causes intense distress.
A second question is about something I've heard on podcasts that these gender issues have started in America. Is there any idea why/where/how it got started here? Also, I remember a huge push in the 1970's feminist movement to change the language (ie: personkind vs. mankind, etc) and for females to gain access to typically male spaces (ie: women becoming sportscasters and going into men's locker rooms). Any chance these long ago events are being vindicated now by the trans"women"?
I will discuss this further at the Live Q&A, however it could be helpful to offer some psychoeducation about fear of menstruation. No need to pathologies it as a phobia, rather it is an irrational fear coupled with a rational distaste (something like my reaction to mice). This has to managed and coping strategies are valuable in this context.
The full analysis has yet to be written but certainly "born this way" from the 1970s morphed into "born in the wrong body" in the 2000s. It seems to have been a perfect storm however a pivotal moment was when Norman Spack and Laura Edwards Leeper and others made the decision to bring the puberty blockers experiment from Holland to the USA.
My 18yo non-medicalized daughter is living at my sister's and going to college away from us. She is not seeing a therapist currently. We are keeping good contact and our phone calls and in person talks are very warm, however on her social media, which she doesn't know I can see, she is very negative towards my husband and I and seems to be in a deep dark depression. I know she has lied on social media before but I am very concerned that she is masking for us and really suffering. She is home for a month for Christmas break. We already have plans for some fun adventures and spoiling but I wondered if you had suggestions how to see how she really is.
I’ve listened to almost all of you podcasts with Sasha ... some multiple times! It’s been a lifeline for us over these last years.
1. Your latest episode speaks to considering that your child may not, in fact, be an ROGD kid. How does one truly know?
Our now 17 year old socially transitioned 3 years ago; still shows no signs of desisting and fits the ROGD description.
2. You often say to “lean in with love”. Does that include using preferred name and pronouns?
We are not using name and pronouns (we use love, honey,... so not her birth name either) which has put a huge strain on our relationship. In fact, our daughter claims that our lack of affirmation is the cause of her further decline in mental health which we feel is a way to detract attention from the real issues.
Hi I'll discuss this during the webinar. However I'm not sure what was the context when we said 'your child may not, in fact, be an ROGD kid'. Could you clarify?
I have this same question. You and Sasha discussed this concept in the last two episodes of GWL. From the beginning, my understanding of ROGD was "any socially-mediated gender distress rapidly developing in adolescence, regardless of the underlying cause." So not AGP, not gender distress that develops earlier in childhood, but gender distress that develops rapidly in the context of a peer group or heavy media consumption, even if the teen is gay, autistic, has trauma, or whatever else.
Is that wrong? I mentally labeled my teen as ROGD because the gender distress developed rapidly after nearly all waking hours were spent online due to virtual schooling and covid lockdowns. She and several of her classmates (their parents are my friends as well) turned out to have spent a lot of time in Discord groups where gender was discussed a lot and then came out at nearly the same time. My daughter was always a girly girl, not a tomboyish bone in her gentle body. She's also the compliant type you talk about at heart, but the first "symptoms" of gender distress were wanting to throw away Harry Potter stuff and constantly talking about gender politics.
This was my clue, really. If gender distress is organic, it starts with your own distress, not with spoon-fed political lines about trans people in the US suffering from genocide and JKR being a hateful bigot. She started out fine, and then regressed. It turned out she was being coached on how to act autistic online. I went sleuthing and found people telling her in detail how to have "autistic shutdowns," including videos. (All under the guise of "you've been masking your true autistic self, you'll feel more comfortable if you act your true self".)
If I could go back I'd do ANYTHING to take time off during the lockdown rather than working full time while trusting her to be doing school work. It seems she needed me and I wasn't there. It seems I thought she was infinitely more resilient than she was.
But I also admit I got lost down the gender critical/rad fem rabbit hole a while. I always considered that the trans ID might be long-term, but never that transition might be right for her (mainly because of the rapid regression; she became a different person over the span of months). I think she's desisting now (still not sure), and we're doing better in our relationship, but if there's something I'm not seeing, I do want to.
On episode 145 (35:45) Sasha said that it might not be ROGD. You added that there could be sexual component and you questioned “how do you know?” I’m wondering that exact thing. For boys you said it could be AGP driving what looks like ROGD. Could that also be the case for girls? Could there also be a sexual component and it’s not necessarily ROGD?
We received the trans announcement letter (including medicalisation intent) a month or so ago from a young adult in their 20’s. It then looked like they had gone no contact on us which was a total U turn to prior behaviour and a major shock. I would never have believed this could happen. I always thought we had a good relationship. I think me questioning their sibling being trans unfortunately has done a lot of damage. One was a shock, two is incredible. After the first I now know better than to question; it just appears to cause damage. I am learning as I go, but learning too late. After a couple of weeks we finally got text replies, then a phone conversation and then to meet up. We have not talked about trans, we do not want to rock what looks like the fragile contact we now have. Generally they are very hard to get hold off now and unresponsive. This is a real U turn in behaviour. I am devastated by this heavily reduced contact. I don’t understand why a new identity means reducing contact with your family and really want to keep the relationship we had. But how? I keep reaching out. I get sporadic responses, often many days after a text and phone calls are just not answered. This is such uncharacteristic and concerning behaviour. Any advice on how we restore the relationship.
Hi I'm sorry to hear how difficult it has been, I'll offer my response at the Q&A today
You have just described our situation
I am sorry to hear that.
Post menopausal women are no longer encouraged to take estrogen due to increased heart problems. Is there any studies/evidence of heart issues for males taking high doses of estrogen? Our song was diagnosed with a non threatening irregular heart beat as a toddler.
You're right there is a lot of helath implications for oestrogen, see here https://statsforgender.org/estrogen/
I'll discuss this further at the Live Q&A
After an initial blow up and then two years of ‘going quiet’ and leaning in with love, I’ve started to gently tip-toe in with having difficult conversations with my 16 year old trans identifying daughter. It feels important for us to talk about how her decisions affect the well-being of others in our family. Her three sisters (2 older, 1 younger) have to ‘be cool’ with this charade at high school and in almost all social settings and it is draining on them. Even a minor thing like ‘do we put up the stockings’ with her “deadname” causes me grief but I feel like if I talk about this I’m making it about me. If I knew that she had a crumb of insight into the repercussions of this situation in the family, it might soothe my anger a bit. Like, does she even consider grandma’s feelings when she reads the Christmas program with the new trans name plastered all over? Humility has always been a cornerstone of our family culture and her narcissism makes it so hard to connect with her.
You raise some very profound points in all this and I look forward to analysing it in detail at the Live Q&A, thank you
What questions would you encourage a child to ask at a gender clinic? I have an 18 year old daughter who has made an appointment at a gender clinic to discuss testosterone. I am lucky in that we have a close relationship and she knows I have concerns and is willing to hear me out. In her mind this is what she has been waiting for for three years, but I know deep down she is risk averse and values my opinion. I want her to be fully informed about this decision.
This is a great question and I'll address it in the Live Q&A. Here are some good questions to ask:
• What does the research say about long-term outcomes for patients?
(This is a bit of a leading question. At this point, there is no such
research.)
• What percentage of patients lose sensation in the nipples?
• What percentage lose their nipples?
• What percentage are unhappy with the results and need a revision
surgery?
• What are the chances that a patient will experience nerve damage?
• What percentage experience a worsening of gender dysphoria after
mastectomy? (Some patients become even unhappier with their
hips after they no longer have breasts, since being flat-chested tends
to accentuate wide hips.)
• What can patients expect in terms of scarring?
• How long is the recovery?
• Do we know how many regret the surgery?
• What are the risks associated with the anaesthesia?
• What are the risks of bleeding or infection?
• What are the other possible surgical complications?
• How do you assess the psychological readiness of the patient for
this major surgery?
• Have you ever declined performing this surgery on a patient?
• Will some breast tissue remain? How do you monitor for breast
cancer? Will routine screening need to occur after forty?
• How many mastectomies have you performed on women of twentyfive and under for gender dysphoria? Or how many in a year?
• If there is regret and a change of mind later in life, is breast reconstruction possible?
• What is the percentage chance that the chest area will remain without
sensation (i.e. numb) after surgery? We have seen one statistic that
shows that 20% of mastectomy patients have chest wall numbness.
• Will breastfeeding be an option after a double mastectomy?
I appreciate the response, but at this point they are seeking testosterone, not surgery yet. Do you have a similar list for hormone therapy?
My mistake! Please see below for some suggestions re testosterone.
• I see that vaginal atrophy is an issue with long-term use of testosterone. This atrophy leads to tearing, micro abrasions, bleeding, and painful intercourse. Do you know of any medication that can help reduce the pain involved?
- What does the research say about long-term outcomes for patients? I know athletes who take testosterone suffer a lot of medical complications.
• How soon will male pattern balding become an issue? Is there anything that can be done to prevent this?
Many transmen suffer testosterone related acne, is there anythin that can be done to prevent this?
- I read about how transmen have an elevated risk of erythrocytosis, a condition which slows the blood flow, and can lead to headaches, confusion, high blood pressure, nosebleeds, blurred vision, itching and fatigue; is there anything that can be done to prevent this?
- What percentage of patients develop vaginal infections as a result of T?
• I know that transmen are four or five times as likely as females in general to suffer a heart attack, what can be done to reduce this risk?
- What percentage of patients stop and start T? I read about how transmen can become anxious, perhaps this is a reason why they stop and start? Or maybe it's painful intercourse and painful orgasms?
• I know that testosterone brings about brain aging and a decline in cognitive processing. What is the timeline in this?
• I am aware of the negative impact on fertility and ovarian follicle health, how soon will infertility become an issue to contend with?
- What percentage experience a worsening of mood and general well-being as a consequence of long-term use of testosterone?
• After five years on testosterone, it is very likely that the vaginal infections and the vaginal pain will lead to a hysterectomy. What is the percentage of medical complications following hysterectomy? Does the patient experience menopausal symptoms after a hysterectomy?
My husband says ask them to show her pictures of all the changes that will I cut in your body include enlarged clitoris. Sorry for being so direct. I too would love a list of question on restoring as our daughter has also made an appointment. We would like a series of questions to ask her as to what she is feeling right now. And what she feels the need to médicalise.
Finally my concern is that this will precipitate her wanting to change names legally, operations etc as she studies in a country completely in support of the ideology
My question is around the passports. My two daughters fell in that sweet spot where they could change their gender from female to male. We did everything in our power to stop it. But now we feel with this new Trump directive it is a great opportunity to have a conversation. My daughters come to this for very different reasons. One was bullied is on the spectrum and found a way to be special. Her health is definitely affected by the testosterone. The other is militant, it is her shield and armour against recognizing she is gay and from an assault when she was nine. Only recently have I learned about complex trauma and the modalities. This describes my youngest to à t. She became her own island, rejected us, detached from us amd we could not reach her. She refuses therapy. Now our relationship is much improved. She is in T and so feels she can no longer be touched. She refuses to engage in any conversations regarding her choices. But I am convinced she is reading all the things being touted by activist regarding the passport o Ly further demonizing the right etc. Any advice would be much appreciated
Hi could you put your question into my pinned post? And then I’ll respond to it at the parents Q&A https://stellaomalley.substack.com/p/parents-live-q-and-a/comments
This thread is from December
Thank you Stella. Today was so helpful, as always. You help me, and many others, cope -- every single day. I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas, full of special moments.
Thanks very much, I hope I do, I think what has been done to parents is an unforgiveable tragedy
I have another question. I won't be phrasing it very well, but it's been on my mind a lot lately. I'm an immigrant. I've integrated quite well but have ultimately held on to my culture — values, holidays, attitude to childrearing. When it comes to the child who has been identifying as trans for the last several years (and who may be desisting), it is very clear that she has developed her own set of cultural values that align more with the US (which she's never been to, it's all internet stuff), so neither my culture of origin nor the country we all live in. My other kids align much more with local culture, on the other hand.
This creates a disconnect in our relationship that ultimately boils down to individualism vs collectivism. I'm wondering if you have any tips on broaching this topic in an easygoing way that will help us both understand what's important to us better.
I think there can be a great opportunity in this context. You child is searching for her identity, right now it's all about her gender identity but there are many facets to a person's identity and, if this is handled skillfully, it can open your child's mind to the complexity of being human. I'll discuss this further at the Q&A
I'm the parent of a 17.5 year old transgender non-binary female. She “came out” roughly a year ago following a year+ of clinical depression. During that time she was also diagnosed with ASD, although extremely high-functioning. She also has weight & sleep problems and PCOS. She has been seeing various psychologists and psychiatrists throughout the entire period. Being non-binary makes it even more complicated for us as parents to follow her thought process since she’s not a textbook “trans” – she doesn’t care much about pronouns or social transition, and has no interest in “passing/presenting” as any specific gender.
In general we have a healthy and trusting relationship with her, she shares her thoughts and feelings with us, and we are able to discuss almost any topic in an open and honest manner. She is *extremely* intelligent and in most situations she is able to entertain different viewpoints and make well-reasoned and justifiable decisions. However, when it comes to gender she is rigidly locked-in to her world view and is unwilling to consider any opinion except her own.
Socially she is very shy and has few friends. Her entire social circle is composed of gender-challenged, mostly trans, mostly autistic youth. Her only social activities (IRL and online) are in LGBT and/or trans communities. AFAIK she has never been in a romantic relationship.
She recently reached the point where she feels she is ready for both hormone therapy and top surgery. She is very well-read and is knowledgeable about the procedures, side-effects, testimonials of both success cases as well as de-transitioners with regrets. She openly admits that there’s a non-zero (but low) chance that she will have future regrets, but also has a pile of pre-canned explanations to deflect any reasons not to try (“the detransitioners weren’t really trans to begin with “, “I’m not attempting to pass as male or to transform into one”, “I don’t have internalized homophobia”, “I have lots of comorbidities but my dysphoria is a cause not an effect”).
She in searching for relevant surgeons. Some told her that she is too fat and they won't operate her. She is trying to find a surgeon who will operate her. She is not willing to loose weight (it doesn't seem reasonable to her. When we try to talk to her regarding weight she wouldn't listen).
1. We are desperately searching for ideas which could help convince her to wait a few more years, or to consider alternative non-medical options.
2. Can you list some non-medical options to deal with gender dysphoria? I always hear self acceptance. How can you help someone to self accept his/her body? What are other non-medical options?
These are great questions, I'll explore them in details at the webinar today.
Our. Hold has refused to do therapy or consider taking anti depressants. What can we say to her to help decide to want to do therapy?
Hi I'll explore this further in the Q&A today
Hi Stella,
I found your podcast with Sasha in September after listening to you on a webinar. I've listened and watched many episodes. Thank you for all you do. it's been life-changing.
My 18-year-old daughter came out to my ex-husband and me as nonbinary last November. She had entered college at 17 and started using her new name (male) and new pronouns - they/them. She also had entered gender inclusive housing without telling us and had a trans-identified female roommate (cross sex hormones but no surgeries.) My daughter said she wanted to start testosterone – saying the effects could be reversible! When I asked why the hormones – she said that she wanted to redistribute fat on her body and didn’t like her hips.
I’ll try to shorten this because so much happened. My ex-husband and I were luckily on the exact same page initially (and still are though we’ve had slightly different approaches) and we banded together. I went down the research rabbit hole and sent him articles. He had the kids for Christmas and initiated a conversation that resulted in our daughter thanking him for caring and agreeing to not start hormones until she’s sure. (this is a great story but so long!)
It's been a year now of not being entirely sure what we should do now. After that initial conversation, my ex-husband went into absolute affirmation in the hope that reverse psychology would be effective. I was more “oh well” – there’s nothing I can do.
My daughter lived with me over the summer. We spent a lot of quality time doing things that we’ve always loved to do together and new things like taking swing dancing lessons. We had two emotional conversations about misgendering that involved tears from both of us but ended with us feeling closer. I got to tell her that I “saw” her and told her the ways I liked her nonbinary identity but also reiterated my worry about medicalization and permanent physical changes.
In the middle of this, my ex-husband and I found your podcast and discovered that social transition is much more serious than we had thought initially. I forgot to mention my daughter was using a breast binder too. Now, we wonder what to do. I decided to ask if my daughter would be willing to tell me well ahead of any medicalization so that we can discuss it together. I told her it was about my own anxiety and that I trusted her to make her own decisions but feel responsible for giving her my best advice and guidance as her parent. She doesn’t have current plans to medicalize and agreed to tell me well ahead. I told her great, so I can let her to come to me about issues around gender.
Other factors are my daughter is having a very cute relationship with a boy who she’s been friends with all of last year. She’s in love. This relationship and an obsession with swing dancing is occupying most of her time and energy plus school and work. But she’s still using the name, pronouns, mostly dressing like a boy but some times wearing dresses and skirts. Still wearing breast binder but not always. She’s turning to me for advice about friendships and relationships.
My question, Stella, is how are we doing? How worried should I be? What, if anything, should we do at this point. So sorry for the length of this post! I’ve left out so much!
Hi thank you for this. I'll offer my response in the live Q&A today
Hi Stella, I seem to have birth control pills on the brain! Did you see the recent Jordan Peterson interview with Sarah Hill, Phd? Very interesting and I've been listening to her audio book: This is Your Brain on Birth Control. Wonder if this has anything to do with increase in trans in young girls/women who may be on birth control as the pill alters normal estrogen/progesterone levels. In fact, I learned that the older bcp's have a form of testosterone as a precursor to the formation of progesterone.
Thank you for the recommendation. I'll have a listen and speak some more on this at the Q&A today
My 23 year old is on birth control for medical reasons and intermittent contraception. The particular brand she is on prevents her monthly menstruation from occurring. I am wondering about this. May it help or hinder her feeling that "I don't feel like a girl or a boy"? Any kind of breakthrough bleeding causes intense distress.
A second question is about something I've heard on podcasts that these gender issues have started in America. Is there any idea why/where/how it got started here? Also, I remember a huge push in the 1970's feminist movement to change the language (ie: personkind vs. mankind, etc) and for females to gain access to typically male spaces (ie: women becoming sportscasters and going into men's locker rooms). Any chance these long ago events are being vindicated now by the trans"women"?
I will discuss this further at the Live Q&A, however it could be helpful to offer some psychoeducation about fear of menstruation. No need to pathologies it as a phobia, rather it is an irrational fear coupled with a rational distaste (something like my reaction to mice). This has to managed and coping strategies are valuable in this context.
The full analysis has yet to be written but certainly "born this way" from the 1970s morphed into "born in the wrong body" in the 2000s. It seems to have been a perfect storm however a pivotal moment was when Norman Spack and Laura Edwards Leeper and others made the decision to bring the puberty blockers experiment from Holland to the USA.
My 18yo non-medicalized daughter is living at my sister's and going to college away from us. She is not seeing a therapist currently. We are keeping good contact and our phone calls and in person talks are very warm, however on her social media, which she doesn't know I can see, she is very negative towards my husband and I and seems to be in a deep dark depression. I know she has lied on social media before but I am very concerned that she is masking for us and really suffering. She is home for a month for Christmas break. We already have plans for some fun adventures and spoiling but I wondered if you had suggestions how to see how she really is.
Thanks, I'll discuss this at our Live Q&A. The difference between real life and social media can be significant, and also very baffling
Is there a list of good non-affirming therapists in Dublin?
You will be sent a good list if you email info@stellaomalley.com
I’ve listened to almost all of you podcasts with Sasha ... some multiple times! It’s been a lifeline for us over these last years.
1. Your latest episode speaks to considering that your child may not, in fact, be an ROGD kid. How does one truly know?
Our now 17 year old socially transitioned 3 years ago; still shows no signs of desisting and fits the ROGD description.
2. You often say to “lean in with love”. Does that include using preferred name and pronouns?
We are not using name and pronouns (we use love, honey,... so not her birth name either) which has put a huge strain on our relationship. In fact, our daughter claims that our lack of affirmation is the cause of her further decline in mental health which we feel is a way to detract attention from the real issues.
Looking forward to your webinar.
Hi I'll discuss this during the webinar. However I'm not sure what was the context when we said 'your child may not, in fact, be an ROGD kid'. Could you clarify?
I have this same question. You and Sasha discussed this concept in the last two episodes of GWL. From the beginning, my understanding of ROGD was "any socially-mediated gender distress rapidly developing in adolescence, regardless of the underlying cause." So not AGP, not gender distress that develops earlier in childhood, but gender distress that develops rapidly in the context of a peer group or heavy media consumption, even if the teen is gay, autistic, has trauma, or whatever else.
Is that wrong? I mentally labeled my teen as ROGD because the gender distress developed rapidly after nearly all waking hours were spent online due to virtual schooling and covid lockdowns. She and several of her classmates (their parents are my friends as well) turned out to have spent a lot of time in Discord groups where gender was discussed a lot and then came out at nearly the same time. My daughter was always a girly girl, not a tomboyish bone in her gentle body. She's also the compliant type you talk about at heart, but the first "symptoms" of gender distress were wanting to throw away Harry Potter stuff and constantly talking about gender politics.
This was my clue, really. If gender distress is organic, it starts with your own distress, not with spoon-fed political lines about trans people in the US suffering from genocide and JKR being a hateful bigot. She started out fine, and then regressed. It turned out she was being coached on how to act autistic online. I went sleuthing and found people telling her in detail how to have "autistic shutdowns," including videos. (All under the guise of "you've been masking your true autistic self, you'll feel more comfortable if you act your true self".)
If I could go back I'd do ANYTHING to take time off during the lockdown rather than working full time while trusting her to be doing school work. It seems she needed me and I wasn't there. It seems I thought she was infinitely more resilient than she was.
But I also admit I got lost down the gender critical/rad fem rabbit hole a while. I always considered that the trans ID might be long-term, but never that transition might be right for her (mainly because of the rapid regression; she became a different person over the span of months). I think she's desisting now (still not sure), and we're doing better in our relationship, but if there's something I'm not seeing, I do want to.
You're not wrong! I'll explain further in the Q&A today
On episode 145 (35:45) Sasha said that it might not be ROGD. You added that there could be sexual component and you questioned “how do you know?” I’m wondering that exact thing. For boys you said it could be AGP driving what looks like ROGD. Could that also be the case for girls? Could there also be a sexual component and it’s not necessarily ROGD?
Yes, for girls it can often be a form of sexual repression, fear of sex. I'll discuss this further on Tuesday