Some thoughts I have about what is facing parents this coming year - all thoughtful comments and alternative points of view are, as always, very welcome.
Thank you for all you do, thank you for grounding me time and time again as a parent of a gender dysphoric child. I’ve been on this journey for nearly 3 years. It’s still not over, but we’re getting there.
Stella, thank you for all you do! I don’t think we would be where we are today without people like you and Sasha and so many others. I am cautiously optimistic that we are starting to see our way out with our son. Here’s to 2024 and the hope of a better tomorrow for all of us.
Thank you Stella for sharing your insights and observations.
They mean a lot coming from where you sit. It is helpful to see your outline of progress made just in the past few years and to believe there is hope for more in 2024. Keep up the important work, and keep those Genspect podcasts coming. They - along with your Substack, and When Kids Say They’re Trans - have been instrumental in helping my husband and I navigate this crazy environment.
I am the parent you describe, terrified of pushing her even further away, my husband in the other hand has had enough. We recently had a serious conversation with her where we both laid out our concerns and worries for her future. Nothing was held back. She of course flounced off crying and I thought we’d gone too far. But within a few weeks she started to come round. Not to our ideas or anything like that, but at least she is talking to us. We just told her we couldn’t pretend she was anything other than what she was.
Still very much in the middle of the war but at least we all know where we stand.
Thanks Stella and everyone involved in this war for everything you do and the great advice. Gender a wider lense has definitely been a lifesaver for me.
"Of course, we still have a long, long way to go."
Amen to that -- maybe not yet the beginning of the end, but the year may mark something of a resounding end to the beginning. To coin a phrase. 🙂
But my hat is off to the many who have been labouring away in the trenches, often under a heavy load of grief -- "how sharper than a serpent's tooth to have a thankless child".
However, I can't help but get the impression that something of a fatal flaw, at least a potential one, in the whole movement -- or maybe just in some of those who've taken shelter under "your" umbrella, or in the public who haven't yet "read the memo" -- is the ubiquity of profoundly contradictory and quite unscientific definitions for both sex and gender, the latter in particular. Evolutionary biologist Colin Wright -- who I think had some contributions to your "Genspect Framework" -- had a neat summation of that problem several years ago:
Wright: "Most confusion about "gender" results from people not defining it. Many definitions are in circulation:
Which is why I think your definition for "gender" in the Glossary of your Framework is a step in the right direction -- more or less encompassing Colin's items three, four, and five -- even if it is not yet quite where I think it needs to be:
"Gender: Once used interchangeably with ‘sex’ to mean male or female. Now denotes a person’s social or cultural status as masculine, feminine or something else."
Philosopher Will Durant had an elaboration on a quote by Voltaire which I think gets to the heart of the matter:
Durant: 'If you wish to converse with me,' said Voltaire, 'define your terms.' How many a debate would have been deflated into a paragraph if the disputants had dared to define their terms! This is the alpha and omega of logic, the heart and soul of it, that every important term in serious discourse shall be subjected to strictest scrutiny and definition. It is difficult, and ruthlessly tests the mind; but once done it is half of any task."
I couldn't agree more. The conflation of sex and gender - and the subconscious conflation of being gay with being akin to being trans - has caused a massive level of confusion
Thankyou for your words. I don’t know what a would have done without out all that you have mentioned above. The most challenging year and a half I have had as a parent ever. Dealing with the grief of my husband’s passing and my daughter s grief intertwined with her gender and body distress. I have learned about listening , patience and tough boundaries which have given our relationship so much love, respect, kindness, compassion. I cannot say this period is soon to be over but our communication and conscious awareness is getting better. Thankyou again!
Thank you for all you do, thank you for grounding me time and time again as a parent of a gender dysphoric child. I’ve been on this journey for nearly 3 years. It’s still not over, but we’re getting there.
Best wishes to you and your family xxx
Stella, thank you for all you do! I don’t think we would be where we are today without people like you and Sasha and so many others. I am cautiously optimistic that we are starting to see our way out with our son. Here’s to 2024 and the hope of a better tomorrow for all of us.
Best wishes xxx
Thank you Stella for sharing your insights and observations.
They mean a lot coming from where you sit. It is helpful to see your outline of progress made just in the past few years and to believe there is hope for more in 2024. Keep up the important work, and keep those Genspect podcasts coming. They - along with your Substack, and When Kids Say They’re Trans - have been instrumental in helping my husband and I navigate this crazy environment.
I am the parent you describe, terrified of pushing her even further away, my husband in the other hand has had enough. We recently had a serious conversation with her where we both laid out our concerns and worries for her future. Nothing was held back. She of course flounced off crying and I thought we’d gone too far. But within a few weeks she started to come round. Not to our ideas or anything like that, but at least she is talking to us. We just told her we couldn’t pretend she was anything other than what she was.
Still very much in the middle of the war but at least we all know where we stand.
Thanks Stella and everyone involved in this war for everything you do and the great advice. Gender a wider lense has definitely been a lifesaver for me.
Here’s to better things in 2024
Best wishes for 2024 xxx
"Of course, we still have a long, long way to go."
Amen to that -- maybe not yet the beginning of the end, but the year may mark something of a resounding end to the beginning. To coin a phrase. 🙂
But my hat is off to the many who have been labouring away in the trenches, often under a heavy load of grief -- "how sharper than a serpent's tooth to have a thankless child".
However, I can't help but get the impression that something of a fatal flaw, at least a potential one, in the whole movement -- or maybe just in some of those who've taken shelter under "your" umbrella, or in the public who haven't yet "read the memo" -- is the ubiquity of profoundly contradictory and quite unscientific definitions for both sex and gender, the latter in particular. Evolutionary biologist Colin Wright -- who I think had some contributions to your "Genspect Framework" -- had a neat summation of that problem several years ago:
Wright: "Most confusion about "gender" results from people not defining it. Many definitions are in circulation:
1. Synonym for sex (male/female)
2. A subjective feeling in relation to one's sex
3. Societal sex-based roles/expectations
4. Sex-related behavior
5. Personality traits"
https://twitter.com/SwipeWright/status/1234040036091236352
Which is why I think your definition for "gender" in the Glossary of your Framework is a step in the right direction -- more or less encompassing Colin's items three, four, and five -- even if it is not yet quite where I think it needs to be:
"Gender: Once used interchangeably with ‘sex’ to mean male or female. Now denotes a person’s social or cultural status as masculine, feminine or something else."
https://genspect.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/11/The-Gender-Framework-Draft-One.pdf
Philosopher Will Durant had an elaboration on a quote by Voltaire which I think gets to the heart of the matter:
Durant: 'If you wish to converse with me,' said Voltaire, 'define your terms.' How many a debate would have been deflated into a paragraph if the disputants had dared to define their terms! This is the alpha and omega of logic, the heart and soul of it, that every important term in serious discourse shall be subjected to strictest scrutiny and definition. It is difficult, and ruthlessly tests the mind; but once done it is half of any task."
https://quotefancy.com/quote/3001527/Will-Durant-If-you-wish-to-converse-with-me-said-Voltaire-define-your-terms-How-many-a
If we can't agree on what words mean then we haven't a hope in hell of dealing with any problems that turn on them.
I couldn't agree more. The conflation of sex and gender - and the subconscious conflation of being gay with being akin to being trans - has caused a massive level of confusion
Thankyou for your words. I don’t know what a would have done without out all that you have mentioned above. The most challenging year and a half I have had as a parent ever. Dealing with the grief of my husband’s passing and my daughter s grief intertwined with her gender and body distress. I have learned about listening , patience and tough boundaries which have given our relationship so much love, respect, kindness, compassion. I cannot say this period is soon to be over but our communication and conscious awareness is getting better. Thankyou again!
Best of luck with it all xxx