Parents Q&A
I'll be hosting a parents Q&A on Tuesday 16th April at 6pm BST (that's GMT+1). Everyone and every thoughtful question is welcome. Please put your questions in the comments below.
Hi there,
You are invited to a Zoom webinar.
When: Apr 16, 2024 06:00 PM Dublin
Topic: Parents Q&A
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Hi Stella- we have an almost 16 year old FTM. She has been identifying for 3 years, and we believe she started thinking of it a year before she told us. It is the typical ROGD story- her Tik Tok algorithm was loaded with trans content and one friend in particular was pushing lgbtq content on the friend group. Turns out our adhd/dyslexic daughter was highly suggestible.
She went into a deep depression before she told us in the middle of COVID, so we took the therapists advice to affirm or have dire consequences to heart. We allowed the name change and they/them pronouns.
Our relationship took a major hit as our daughter kept pushing for more things that we were not comfortable with. We took your advice (thank you so much for GWL- I found it 2-years in and it opened my eyes) and focused on rebuilding our relationship. She has a wonderful art therapist who is also listening to GWL and ‘gets it’s.
My question is this- we have started to do family therapy sessions now that our relationship is back on track, to specifically talk about gender. We had our first session 2 weeks ago and I brought up that I had watched some ftm influencers on YouTube and I could understand how alluring they make it look. My goal was to let her know that this isn’t her fault and to give her an out. Instead she got defensive and shocked that I could think that she was influenced by social media.
So my question for you- any advice on small things I can say during a session that will let her know she can get out of this, she is not to blame and perhaps to help her see what brought her to this conclusion (that she is trans at age 12) was a lot of messaging that she clung to rather than an authentic feeling she has had all along?
Thank you!
Hi Stella, my husband and I have a quite close relationship with our trans FtM daughter. She’s 20 now and we’ve been at this for going on six years.
She uses a male name and pronouns at college. We don’t use the name but use a nickname instead. She wears a binder and guy’s clothes but is not on hormones (we’re quite sure of this). She has been telling us for years that she will change her name and then have surgery and take T once she is “mature” at about age 25.
She will be graduating soon and told my husband she is considering legally changing her name. This fills me with dread.
He chose his words carefully and told her that a name change is serious, just as surgery and T are significant changes to the body.
He also acknowledged that in her years at college (she lives away but has come home regularly and seems happy to do so) we have seen her become more confident and comfortable and this has been good to see.
So. I’m sure that from her POV, she is happy and confident because she’s living as a man, “as she is truly meant to be.”
To us, of course, she is growing up and, we hope, learning some skills that will make her employable (she’s at film school) and losing some little insecurities and learning how to get along in the world. She has done well at college, gets good grades and has friends (from what we can tell). (She had a serious relationship with another trans-ID woman but they broke up a few months ago.)
What can we possibly do or say to have her reconsider the legal name change?