You are such a bright light during such a dark time in our history. Please keep speaking out and don’t be silenced. We need your voice now more than ever!! Thank you for being so courageous!
I am so glad you won’t let them silence you. As one of those ROGD mom perfectionists with an ROGD perfectionist daughter, thank you, and here’s to sometimes fumbling in our words and actions, but always being recognized for the goodness at the heart of it all and to staying focused on the importance of the mission.
ROGD mother here. What you say about perfectionism is spot on. And the harsh, or rather cruel and vindictive, inner critic that goes with it. I'm finding Internal Family Systems a very helpful model to start working on all that. And your work has helped me enormously over the past few years as our family grapples with the hellish effects of this vile cult. I will be forever grateful to you for making it all make a bit more sense, and bringing hope that it will be brought to an end before more families are pulled in. I can't imagine how tough the past week must have been for you. I admire your courage and strength and I'm relieved to read that you will continue the good fight. Please take good care of yourself.
We were once in an online session and I confessed to the “mistake” I made with my ROGD daughter and you helped relieve a huge burden for me in identifying that we are allowed to make mistakes. It was tremendously helpful for me at the time and I remember it often when my daughter tries to shame me. Thank you for those insights and I wish you peace. Sorry you are going through this. xo
I'd hug you if I could, Stella! As another perfectionist mum, this rings shockingly clear and true for me. Perfectionism is an ancestral curse in my family, and one that has undoubtedly found expression in our eldest daughter. You've reminded me that I mustn't let it steal her joy. 'Imperfectionism' is something to aspire to, and to be celebrated, along with all the freedom and creativity it brings, and I thank all the gods for yours!
As some fellow from your neck of the woods used to say:
"O, wad some Power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as others see us!
It wad frae monie a blunder free us,
An' foolish notion.”
Though I doubt he would have argued that the (mis)perceptions of others should be taken as gospel truth, as straitjackets. "To thine own self" and all that.
But a fascinating process, that "shaming ... as a tool for behaviour control" --- some social benefits, but some pathological aspects as well.
🙂 Though I DID say, right out of the chute, "your neck of the woods" -- a fairly large "neck" but still ...
But I was thinking later, on reading the article on the poem, that as much as there is some merit in seeing how others see us, one might suggest that the view of a louse -- either the six-legged or two-legged variety -- shouldn't carry a lot of weight:
They’re after all the moderate voices. There’s a sort of lasciviousness about the phrases they repeat. Like “all trans are AGP - disgusting fetishists parading their paraphilias around.”. That may well be true of some but most don’t only operate at wharp-AGP speed. People are hugely complex and many of the new young recruits aren’t flat out AGP. It’s mad. If you believe in humanity you’d want to know what drives a young man in this direction and how you might help to redirect them from such a miserable path. I have two teen sons and were one to be caught up in this trans thing, I would like to think I’d approach things more in your style rather than just shrieking “pervert” at them.
This wasn't your purpose in writing this, but thanks for continuing to call attention to the existence of zealotry on "our" side of this. It's an important thing to be aware of. It's this that "they" (the trans activists) scare our children with, so that when we make it known that we don't believe in the trans orthodoxy, our children think we're that. The same way the extreme side of the gender critical movement or whatever you call it scares us with trans-identified men ready to rape in every locker room.
We need the shades of gray and the nuance more than anything right now. And yes, only imperfection, only the willingness to be clumsy, sometimes wrong, always curious, makes that possible, because where dogma sets in, nuance disappears eventually.
Never apologize for doing what you do, and thank you. Not only has your voice at times kept me sane from the trans activist dogma, but also from the extreme feminist dogma, which yes, it is easy to cling onto as a form of hope when you feel like you're about to lose your child.
I hope you are minding yourself a bit Stella. You have a massive body of intelligent, grounded, compassionate and understanding work in this area that speaks for itself. It's clear to me that your motivations are to help the young people and families caught up in this and I'm very glad to hear that you won't let this storm silence you!
Bloody wise words from one so young !!!! Thank you for not being a complete bot - you have an ever questioning mind and probably a fearsome <gob> when you might feel inclined to unleash it. I know where you are coming from and it is from a place of pure compassion.
I think it is crucial that we are able to show we are wrong and importantly, we teach younger generations to feel confident and unashamed about being wrong. It is part of being human and, therefore, vulnerable.
There is a study discussed in "The Learning Gap" by James Sigler and Harold Stevenson, where a number of maths lessons are observed around the world which reveal the difference in how some teachers help students arrive at their answers - the American teachers ignored the errors along the way and the Japanese teachers encouraged students to discuss what was their preferred method and how to find their own way towards a solution. The latter generated a discussion about the common mistakes and how to avoid them, thus giving the notion of error-making, a valuable one. Other conclusions were;
"Precision in the classroom must never be linked to a student's self-worth and getting it wrong opens a path for creativity and conversation to generate effective solutions."
"Making mistakes and obstacles are an important part of the learning process."
I think this can be applied to most life situations.
Striving for perfection can stifle creativity and individuality and a fear of being wrong and making a mistake can be life-limiting - as can heading solely for the end result and ignoring the process.
The default to criticise and shame publicly is now so widely copied as it is so easy to do - I would love to see more of agreeing to disagree, responding politely, a will for a healthy debate or exercising the right to ignore any slightly imperfect comment or terminology / definition and for young people to feel brave to step outside of the box and unfollow the herd.
How we respond is key and your response is a wonderful model for all. Grace and the ability to listen is key - a fundamental part of life and indeed within the therapeutic relationship when we have a rupture with a client. We try create a space for open thought and non-judgement - not perfection. In our working agreement we do not profess that neither therapist or client will never make a mistake.
I like this quote,
"Anyone who is afraid of ever making mistakes may end up not making anything." (casement, 2002, p.17).
The European Journal for Qualitative Research in Psychotherapy, 2008 Issue 3.
Thank you for your courage and for being honest and authentic.
This too shall pass. You are lovely and amazing, Stella, and you have been a beacon of hope and sanity in my world for the past few years. Don’t let the bastards grind you down.
I joined your sub stack specifically to say something about the lesbian clothes comment because it was such a heart sink moment. Unfortunately what you wrote above doesn't really come across as an apology either.So forgive me my rant but I wanted my fiver's worth.
"I was saying this in a bid to promote people’s right to wear any clothes they want. So what if people are experiencing sexual arousal in certain contexts? We are sexual beings. However I should have probably said that many women get a sexual charge out of wearing certain clothes. I’m not sure; the phrase ‘can’t do right for doing wrong’ comes to mind."
I will give you the benefit of the doubt, but please try to understand that lesbians have frequently been told that our sexuality is perverse, so we are sensitive about anything that could be construed to infer that, especially when it's from someone who we think is on our side in this fight.
How exactly are readers to know that you aren't homophobic if not by what you say and write? It wouldn't be the first time people say they aren't homophobic but actually harbour some quite bizarre ideas, about lesbians in particular. To reiterate, lesbians are not walking around having orgasms in our Y-fronts, we’re mostly doing the same boring crap as everyone else, just that (if we’re lucky) we go to bed at the end of the day with another woman. Your apology reads more as a defence against your experience of being shamed, rather than a reflection on understanding why it may have caused harm. The phrase ‘two wrongs don’t make a right’ comes to mind.
I'm surprised that you consider yourself to have been publicly shamed, I mean I don't think it’s on the same level as the examples in Jon Ronson's book for starters. Surely the point is not how you feel but how you made lesbians feel? Lesbian desire as a paraphilia is pretty much a homophobic trope, no? It’s slightly worrying that you're a therapist but you're not able to honestly take responsibility for what you said, mistake or otherwise. Instead you developed a lengthy rumination on why to err is to be human and how perfectionism is toxic, I mean, way to deflect. If you make public statements, you must reasonably expect public reactions.
I admire your work in this area and I mean that genuinely. Saving lesbian (and gay) kids from the trans crazies is amazing work, but if you don't even understand what and who lesbians are, it worries us a bit. Why ARE you saving us lezzer weirdos with our pervy men’s pyjamas? We’re not even grateful goddamn it.
It's interesting of course, that you should refer to shame because shame is central to the lesbian experience. But, crucially lesbians are not made to feel shame simply because they made a cock up (pun intended) in an interview (and despite what you say it was a revealing comment). Lesbians are shamed from the moment we start to understand who it is we might be and who we might desire. And let's face it, the trans issue is an attack on lesbians probably more than any other group; we get lesbophobia from two whole new directions, woot! Trans men (mostly lesbians) are desperate NOT to be us and trans women (mostly AGP men) are desperate to BE us - to effectively colonise and erase us.
Young lesbians are afraid of the shame they might experience if they come out, so prefer to identify as almost anything else, transman, non-binary, ACE, what have you, but please, not a lesbian. I bet despite the proliferation of rainbows and inclusion in schools, if you asked the lesbians to stand up in school assembly, none would, it is still not cool to be a lesbian. But ask the non-binary kids to stand up and all the cool kids are on their feet en masse. Maybe the lesbians have a refuge from being mocked at last, it makes sense to me and I might have grabbed on to that as hard as I could as a teenager, because being a lesbian at school was frankly awful. I don't encourage this at all, but understand the impulse.
Trans women also try to use shame to coerce lesbians to have sex with them because they insist that they are also lesbians. Yes they are oppressed lesbians! Just big fucking hairy ones with penises! It used to be a joke, men saying they are a lesbian trapped inside a man’s body, but now we are supposed to actually entertain this idea as reality. By rejecting trans women not only would we be shameful lesbians from the get go but transphobic to boot, expelled to a lesbian sin bin of shame (actually that sounds quite fun).
It's a deeply invidious place we lesbians find ourselves in at present, so please, with your important and valued voice, choose your words with care. I have no desire whatsoever to silence you or any other woman, but there's enough weirdness out there already without we get it from within.
Thank you for giving me the benefit of the doubt, and I will return that generosity to you. I know that lesbians have frequently been told that their sexuality is perverse and so you are sensitive about anything that could be construed to infer this, does this mean nobody should ever comment on this issue? Females have been shamed for their sexuality for millennia. I don't think it's appropriate to collude with the idea that women don't get turned on.
The reason how readers should know that I'm not homophobic is because I have a body of work with thousands and thousands of words and hundreds of hours of content that show that I'm not homophobic and, then, on the other side, one half-sentence that was clumsily worded and 59 minutes into an interview.
i know that lesbians aren't walking around having orgasms in y-fronts. i didn't suggest this and I'm not sure why you needed to tell me. I also know that women who are wearing certain clothes aren't walking around having orgasms either. I also know that some women get a sexual charge from wearing certain clothes. I don't think they should be shamed for this.
Yes, of course I feel defensive. A half-sentence was clipped and taken out of context and misrepresented and then many people ran with this and called me homophobic. The rational response to this is to be defensive.
You may not think I have been publicly shamed but then I can't see how you would know about the level of shaming I received? Why do you think the point is not how I feel but how I made lesbians feel? Nobody is more important than anyone else. My comment was clumsy, I shouldn't have said it, I have apologised and I'm not sure what else you need.
I know that shame is the lesbian experience. I also know that I have been shamed for my sexuality. I do understand lesbians and the lesbian experience and I'm not sure why you felt the need to tell me about the challenges of being a lesbian as a teenager. I have convered all of this extensively in my work. I have also covered, many times, the issue of transwomen coercing lesbians to have sex with them. If you knew my work you would know this and wouldn't feel the need to tell me about it.
I see you think it's appropriate to make jokes about the lesbian sin bin of shame but I would not get the same freedom because I'm not a lesbian. I find this type of identity politics very depressing. I think the freedom to speak is very important and the freedom to make jokes is also ultra-important. I will choose my words with care from now on, just as you advise. This saddens me however. I chose my words with care from roughly 2017 -2022 and since then, as the climate relaxed, I have progressively loosened up. It turns out though that I need to return to being extremely careful with my words. So I will be.
The reason why this saddens me is that it makes for an extremely oppressive society, where people aren't free to ad lib, make jokes, think their thoughts aloud etc. I dont think you and I will agree about what is needed in society and so I'm sure you won't agree with this.
You are such a bright light during such a dark time in our history. Please keep speaking out and don’t be silenced. We need your voice now more than ever!! Thank you for being so courageous!
Thanks very much x
I am so glad you won’t let them silence you. As one of those ROGD mom perfectionists with an ROGD perfectionist daughter, thank you, and here’s to sometimes fumbling in our words and actions, but always being recognized for the goodness at the heart of it all and to staying focused on the importance of the mission.
Perfectionists are often hardest on themselves xx
ROGD mother here. What you say about perfectionism is spot on. And the harsh, or rather cruel and vindictive, inner critic that goes with it. I'm finding Internal Family Systems a very helpful model to start working on all that. And your work has helped me enormously over the past few years as our family grapples with the hellish effects of this vile cult. I will be forever grateful to you for making it all make a bit more sense, and bringing hope that it will be brought to an end before more families are pulled in. I can't imagine how tough the past week must have been for you. I admire your courage and strength and I'm relieved to read that you will continue the good fight. Please take good care of yourself.
Thank you, yes perfectionism is a cruel prison
You rock, Stella. Thank you for the work you do!
Thanks that’s lovely xx
We were once in an online session and I confessed to the “mistake” I made with my ROGD daughter and you helped relieve a huge burden for me in identifying that we are allowed to make mistakes. It was tremendously helpful for me at the time and I remember it often when my daughter tries to shame me. Thank you for those insights and I wish you peace. Sorry you are going through this. xo
Thanks, that’s really lovely to hear xx
I'd hug you if I could, Stella! As another perfectionist mum, this rings shockingly clear and true for me. Perfectionism is an ancestral curse in my family, and one that has undoubtedly found expression in our eldest daughter. You've reminded me that I mustn't let it steal her joy. 'Imperfectionism' is something to aspire to, and to be celebrated, along with all the freedom and creativity it brings, and I thank all the gods for yours!
Yes! I believe that liberating these kids from perfectionism can be extremely therapeutically valuable
👍🙂 "I'm just a soul whose intentions are good
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood" 😉🙂
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMDrTMnm1IE
As some fellow from your neck of the woods used to say:
"O, wad some Power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as others see us!
It wad frae monie a blunder free us,
An' foolish notion.”
Though I doubt he would have argued that the (mis)perceptions of others should be taken as gospel truth, as straitjackets. "To thine own self" and all that.
But a fascinating process, that "shaming ... as a tool for behaviour control" --- some social benefits, but some pathological aspects as well.
Who wrote that? Is it Robbie burns?
Bingo! 👍🙂
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/To_a_Louse
Though I was sure you would have known -- aren't all Irish up on such folklore? 😉🙂
But reminds me of a book I'd read ages ago -- How the Irish Saved Civilization:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_the_Irish_Saved_Civilization
You're clearly following in their footsteps ... 🙂
Robbie Burns is Scottish, Stella is being very kind not shouting this in caps lock.
🙂 Though I DID say, right out of the chute, "your neck of the woods" -- a fairly large "neck" but still ...
But I was thinking later, on reading the article on the poem, that as much as there is some merit in seeing how others see us, one might suggest that the view of a louse -- either the six-legged or two-legged variety -- shouldn't carry a lot of weight:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/To_a_Louse
A very large neck divided by a lot of water. A bridge was mooted but was found to be moot.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irish_Sea_Bridge
They’re after all the moderate voices. There’s a sort of lasciviousness about the phrases they repeat. Like “all trans are AGP - disgusting fetishists parading their paraphilias around.”. That may well be true of some but most don’t only operate at wharp-AGP speed. People are hugely complex and many of the new young recruits aren’t flat out AGP. It’s mad. If you believe in humanity you’d want to know what drives a young man in this direction and how you might help to redirect them from such a miserable path. I have two teen sons and were one to be caught up in this trans thing, I would like to think I’d approach things more in your style rather than just shrieking “pervert” at them.
This wasn't your purpose in writing this, but thanks for continuing to call attention to the existence of zealotry on "our" side of this. It's an important thing to be aware of. It's this that "they" (the trans activists) scare our children with, so that when we make it known that we don't believe in the trans orthodoxy, our children think we're that. The same way the extreme side of the gender critical movement or whatever you call it scares us with trans-identified men ready to rape in every locker room.
We need the shades of gray and the nuance more than anything right now. And yes, only imperfection, only the willingness to be clumsy, sometimes wrong, always curious, makes that possible, because where dogma sets in, nuance disappears eventually.
Never apologize for doing what you do, and thank you. Not only has your voice at times kept me sane from the trans activist dogma, but also from the extreme feminist dogma, which yes, it is easy to cling onto as a form of hope when you feel like you're about to lose your child.
Really useful and interesting thoughts. Thank you.
I hope you are minding yourself a bit Stella. You have a massive body of intelligent, grounded, compassionate and understanding work in this area that speaks for itself. It's clear to me that your motivations are to help the young people and families caught up in this and I'm very glad to hear that you won't let this storm silence you!
Na caill do mhisneach!
Go raibh maith agat! Xx
Bloody wise words from one so young !!!! Thank you for not being a complete bot - you have an ever questioning mind and probably a fearsome <gob> when you might feel inclined to unleash it. I know where you are coming from and it is from a place of pure compassion.
Hi Stella, thank you for your clarity and wisdom.
I think it is crucial that we are able to show we are wrong and importantly, we teach younger generations to feel confident and unashamed about being wrong. It is part of being human and, therefore, vulnerable.
There is a study discussed in "The Learning Gap" by James Sigler and Harold Stevenson, where a number of maths lessons are observed around the world which reveal the difference in how some teachers help students arrive at their answers - the American teachers ignored the errors along the way and the Japanese teachers encouraged students to discuss what was their preferred method and how to find their own way towards a solution. The latter generated a discussion about the common mistakes and how to avoid them, thus giving the notion of error-making, a valuable one. Other conclusions were;
"Precision in the classroom must never be linked to a student's self-worth and getting it wrong opens a path for creativity and conversation to generate effective solutions."
"Making mistakes and obstacles are an important part of the learning process."
I think this can be applied to most life situations.
Striving for perfection can stifle creativity and individuality and a fear of being wrong and making a mistake can be life-limiting - as can heading solely for the end result and ignoring the process.
The default to criticise and shame publicly is now so widely copied as it is so easy to do - I would love to see more of agreeing to disagree, responding politely, a will for a healthy debate or exercising the right to ignore any slightly imperfect comment or terminology / definition and for young people to feel brave to step outside of the box and unfollow the herd.
How we respond is key and your response is a wonderful model for all. Grace and the ability to listen is key - a fundamental part of life and indeed within the therapeutic relationship when we have a rupture with a client. We try create a space for open thought and non-judgement - not perfection. In our working agreement we do not profess that neither therapist or client will never make a mistake.
I like this quote,
"Anyone who is afraid of ever making mistakes may end up not making anything." (casement, 2002, p.17).
The European Journal for Qualitative Research in Psychotherapy, 2008 Issue 3.
Thank you for your courage and for being honest and authentic.
Natalie
Thank you for your comments and information, that is really interesting
This too shall pass. You are lovely and amazing, Stella, and you have been a beacon of hope and sanity in my world for the past few years. Don’t let the bastards grind you down.
Thanks xx
About perfection...
Carl Jung said that you can either be perfect or be whole.
Wholeness is probably a better place to be than perfectness.
That’s beautiful, thank you xxx
I joined your sub stack specifically to say something about the lesbian clothes comment because it was such a heart sink moment. Unfortunately what you wrote above doesn't really come across as an apology either.So forgive me my rant but I wanted my fiver's worth.
"I was saying this in a bid to promote people’s right to wear any clothes they want. So what if people are experiencing sexual arousal in certain contexts? We are sexual beings. However I should have probably said that many women get a sexual charge out of wearing certain clothes. I’m not sure; the phrase ‘can’t do right for doing wrong’ comes to mind."
I will give you the benefit of the doubt, but please try to understand that lesbians have frequently been told that our sexuality is perverse, so we are sensitive about anything that could be construed to infer that, especially when it's from someone who we think is on our side in this fight.
How exactly are readers to know that you aren't homophobic if not by what you say and write? It wouldn't be the first time people say they aren't homophobic but actually harbour some quite bizarre ideas, about lesbians in particular. To reiterate, lesbians are not walking around having orgasms in our Y-fronts, we’re mostly doing the same boring crap as everyone else, just that (if we’re lucky) we go to bed at the end of the day with another woman. Your apology reads more as a defence against your experience of being shamed, rather than a reflection on understanding why it may have caused harm. The phrase ‘two wrongs don’t make a right’ comes to mind.
I'm surprised that you consider yourself to have been publicly shamed, I mean I don't think it’s on the same level as the examples in Jon Ronson's book for starters. Surely the point is not how you feel but how you made lesbians feel? Lesbian desire as a paraphilia is pretty much a homophobic trope, no? It’s slightly worrying that you're a therapist but you're not able to honestly take responsibility for what you said, mistake or otherwise. Instead you developed a lengthy rumination on why to err is to be human and how perfectionism is toxic, I mean, way to deflect. If you make public statements, you must reasonably expect public reactions.
I admire your work in this area and I mean that genuinely. Saving lesbian (and gay) kids from the trans crazies is amazing work, but if you don't even understand what and who lesbians are, it worries us a bit. Why ARE you saving us lezzer weirdos with our pervy men’s pyjamas? We’re not even grateful goddamn it.
It's interesting of course, that you should refer to shame because shame is central to the lesbian experience. But, crucially lesbians are not made to feel shame simply because they made a cock up (pun intended) in an interview (and despite what you say it was a revealing comment). Lesbians are shamed from the moment we start to understand who it is we might be and who we might desire. And let's face it, the trans issue is an attack on lesbians probably more than any other group; we get lesbophobia from two whole new directions, woot! Trans men (mostly lesbians) are desperate NOT to be us and trans women (mostly AGP men) are desperate to BE us - to effectively colonise and erase us.
Young lesbians are afraid of the shame they might experience if they come out, so prefer to identify as almost anything else, transman, non-binary, ACE, what have you, but please, not a lesbian. I bet despite the proliferation of rainbows and inclusion in schools, if you asked the lesbians to stand up in school assembly, none would, it is still not cool to be a lesbian. But ask the non-binary kids to stand up and all the cool kids are on their feet en masse. Maybe the lesbians have a refuge from being mocked at last, it makes sense to me and I might have grabbed on to that as hard as I could as a teenager, because being a lesbian at school was frankly awful. I don't encourage this at all, but understand the impulse.
Trans women also try to use shame to coerce lesbians to have sex with them because they insist that they are also lesbians. Yes they are oppressed lesbians! Just big fucking hairy ones with penises! It used to be a joke, men saying they are a lesbian trapped inside a man’s body, but now we are supposed to actually entertain this idea as reality. By rejecting trans women not only would we be shameful lesbians from the get go but transphobic to boot, expelled to a lesbian sin bin of shame (actually that sounds quite fun).
It's a deeply invidious place we lesbians find ourselves in at present, so please, with your important and valued voice, choose your words with care. I have no desire whatsoever to silence you or any other woman, but there's enough weirdness out there already without we get it from within.
Thank you for giving me the benefit of the doubt, and I will return that generosity to you. I know that lesbians have frequently been told that their sexuality is perverse and so you are sensitive about anything that could be construed to infer this, does this mean nobody should ever comment on this issue? Females have been shamed for their sexuality for millennia. I don't think it's appropriate to collude with the idea that women don't get turned on.
The reason how readers should know that I'm not homophobic is because I have a body of work with thousands and thousands of words and hundreds of hours of content that show that I'm not homophobic and, then, on the other side, one half-sentence that was clumsily worded and 59 minutes into an interview.
i know that lesbians aren't walking around having orgasms in y-fronts. i didn't suggest this and I'm not sure why you needed to tell me. I also know that women who are wearing certain clothes aren't walking around having orgasms either. I also know that some women get a sexual charge from wearing certain clothes. I don't think they should be shamed for this.
Yes, of course I feel defensive. A half-sentence was clipped and taken out of context and misrepresented and then many people ran with this and called me homophobic. The rational response to this is to be defensive.
You may not think I have been publicly shamed but then I can't see how you would know about the level of shaming I received? Why do you think the point is not how I feel but how I made lesbians feel? Nobody is more important than anyone else. My comment was clumsy, I shouldn't have said it, I have apologised and I'm not sure what else you need.
I know that shame is the lesbian experience. I also know that I have been shamed for my sexuality. I do understand lesbians and the lesbian experience and I'm not sure why you felt the need to tell me about the challenges of being a lesbian as a teenager. I have convered all of this extensively in my work. I have also covered, many times, the issue of transwomen coercing lesbians to have sex with them. If you knew my work you would know this and wouldn't feel the need to tell me about it.
I see you think it's appropriate to make jokes about the lesbian sin bin of shame but I would not get the same freedom because I'm not a lesbian. I find this type of identity politics very depressing. I think the freedom to speak is very important and the freedom to make jokes is also ultra-important. I will choose my words with care from now on, just as you advise. This saddens me however. I chose my words with care from roughly 2017 -2022 and since then, as the climate relaxed, I have progressively loosened up. It turns out though that I need to return to being extremely careful with my words. So I will be.
The reason why this saddens me is that it makes for an extremely oppressive society, where people aren't free to ad lib, make jokes, think their thoughts aloud etc. I dont think you and I will agree about what is needed in society and so I'm sure you won't agree with this.
I like a joke as much as the next lesbian:
What do you call an angry therapist?
A therapissed