We don’t often talk about the internal contradictions in today’s social movements. But I do in this piece. Please let me know what you think in the comments below
This was perfect timing for me, Stella. I fall exactly into the progressive parent mold, and when gender hit my almost 13-year old I was paralyzed. Of course the experts didn’t help (the suicide myth was heard often enough to keep us in our corners). I spent two solid years treading so carefully as my beautiful, happy girl shrunk away and became an aggressive, miserable, dark teen. We knew something just didn’t make sense. I finally found GwL and Benjamin Boyce and Graham Linehan and the blinders slowly fell from my eyes. It is an uphill battle at this point with our now 17 year old daughter, but we see a lot of growth and more light. The part that you hit on, though, is the external tribe. At this point, since our daughter is still clinging to the trans ID for four years, I think all my lefty friends might be thinking we have it wrong and that it’s time to give up and accept this. Even my older daughter, home from woke university, just told me as much. So thank you for this well-timed piece. I am not giving up on my daughter finding happiness in herself just as she is.
Yes. All of this. I am a very left leaning mom of a 19 (almost 20) y/o trans identified daughter who has been on hormones for a year (courtesy of a clinic, with no background check and no medical supervision). Our relationship is strong, and I am focusing on this attachment, and not having the conversations that need to be had for fear of breaking this. I have several adult trans friends who transitioned alter in life (after their prefrontal cortexes had developed, and with as much knowledge as was possible about the health sacrifices they were making.) They are largely satisfied with their choices.
The whole relationship is a complicated dance made more so by the rigidity of both sides. I am lucky to have been working with StoicMom, a writer and coach who has both a substack and an online community which focuses on moving through this parenting arena with self care, grace and curiousity - guidance through the "dark night of the soul" that this identity can bring on. She has explored divesting herself of the "gender critical" blanket, one reason (if my understanding is correct) being that it is so rigid. We need to exercise nuance more than ever. We need to find the roots of this, and to do so requires an openness that is hard found in any communities, progressive or conservative, gender critical or affirming only. We're not going to get out of this until we can be open, questioning and allowing ourselves to be questioned with honesty and curiousity. AND it's the hardest work I have ever done, and I fail all the time.
I just came back to this thread after watching Olly Lambert's incredible remarks in the link provided in the post. It's fascinating and reassuring that we're not crazy or extreme or anything -- it's truly and completely, objectively not us!! -- but my favorite line is his last: "...you'll always speak to a journalist if you feel absolutely sure that you're right."
How many times have we tried to gently explore the meaning of trans identity with our daughters, thinking we're offering them an open-ended, non-judgmental invitation to teach us about their hearts and minds so that we'll be that much closer to a mutual understanding of 'who they are,' which is ostensibly the topic that captures 95% of their waking brain activity? SO MANY TIMES, is the answer, and yet we're rebuffed again and again. We've always intuited that Olly's explanation above is 100% the explanation in our cases too. It's just very nice to have it confirmed by a disinterested third party.
I have a large paragraph from one of Lisa Selin Davis articles that I like to revisit too: "I think most Democrats suffer from a disease I like to call “liberalitis”—the fear of being seen as a bad person. They want to be on the right side of history, and they don’t yet realize that they’re not. They don’t want to have their worlds turned upside down, and have lost too much perspective to realize that it already has been: they are living in the upside-down, trading science for dogma, caring more about men’s rights than women’s, endangering children—doing all the things they accuse Republicans of doing. And we, the dissenters, are infected, impure—they don’t want to soil themselves by association. Even listening to us in good faith could taint them, and imperil their chances of seeming good. Thus, they don’t want to be enlightened; they want to belong. And that means shunning those who’d compromise their status as Good. They’ve chosen belonging over truth." - in her January article, Democrats Are Really for They/Them
Gender critical progressive mom here, with a 19-year-old trans/non-binary identified daughter. Thanks to all who have shared; your experiences resonate 100% with me. So many of us are going through the same thing, feeling devastated, helplessly watching our confident kids follow the internet pied piper into darkness and anxiety. Nearly every parent of a trans child I know was strong-armed into acceptance - or at least, non-confrontation - by a mental health crisis and suicidality. This isn't a failure of the progressive outlook; when your child is planning their own death, you simply do whatever is necessary. When my daughter, who was already in therapy for clinical anxiety, announced her new name and pronouns, I did indeed push back. I did my best to be authentic without being confrontational. I accepted the new name. But I never used the pronouns, because, I explained, to do so would be to admit belief in something I don't believe. We met in the middle. I asked her questions, like: What does it mean to say you "hold both identities", male and female? What constitutes maleness? What non-material phenomena are male? Are there literally male thoughts, male feelings, male inclinations? Does that jive with the values I taught you? I asked her: If there is a male sensibility, how do you know what that feels like? Do you have any male intimates? (She does not. She and all her friends are gay or bisexual girls.) I stressed that I love her no matter her choices, but I was also clear that it would kill me if she altered her healthy body. By pushing back gently, I went against the advice of therapists and friends. I am glad I did. She is 19, still making noise about being non-binary or trans and still quick to get defensive if I say the wrong thing (like " doesn't Ethel Cain have a penis?" oops, that one just slipped out); but, she is whole and healthy, separating from me and gaining confidence. I want to believe that my pushback gave her the excuse to walk back a bit and think about it all more deeply.
The expectation of orthodoxy on both sides makes it so much harder to change your mind. It's hard enough to be out of step with your peers as an adult; imagine how much harder it is for adolescents to risk the loss of their whole friend circle - unthinkable. I hope and pray that the values I taught will speak loudest in the end. Stella, thank you so much for your gentle advocacy - we're all so grateful. Jenny Thayer, Austin TX
Wow, Stella. Throughout most of the article I felt like you've been hanging out at my home for 6 years! I'm the left leaning, 'Momma' (grandma) to a 21 year old FTM grandchild who moved in with me at 14. They are also on hormones courtesy of a clinic with no background check and literally no medical supervision. History? They don't bother with that. Self diagnosis by children is the in thing!
They moved away 2 years ago because I would not allow them to use hormones while living in my home. They met none of the DSM criteria for gender dysphoria. I spent thousands of dollars trying to find a therapist that wouldn't just affirm and would do an actual deep dive into their history. I prepared a 4000+ word document with dates and pictures and history for all of those therapists and was ignored. The kid even said on several occasions, 'maybe this one will tell me that it's not gender dysphoria'. As if they needed someone to give them permission to walk out of the cult. They are now moving back home this weekend. I'm happy and terrified at the same time. I am determined to not walk on egg shells. They know how I feel. They know that I will screw up and hurt their feelings (and like your article states, they are more depressed, anxious and sensitive than ever!). But they need to come home.
Irreversible Damage also felt like our story. All the stories in there. I feel like I've lost the biggest fight of my life. I have found solace in hearing other's stories and knowing that I am not alone. I teach at a 'woke' college (where I could be fired for having the opinion I have), have 'woke' friends (some of whom have abandoned me because of my opinion), am 'woke' myself, about all things but this subject. I am definitely gender critical, but I've felt silenced for a very long time. It is hard to find a space to feel safe to talk about this craze that is stealing our children. As a women's health professional I have tried to reason with myself, but the history part doesn't add up. Sudden onset gender dysphoria, out of nowhere.
I will keep reading. Keep learning. Keep working on myself. And keep putting out to the universe that at some point this might end, but prep myself for if it doesn't. And keep searching for answers to what is best for our kids.
Sandi, you are not alone! So many of us are going through this. Our voices together will have an impact, surely. We must find a way to "come out" to friends as gender critical. I have been thinking about this a lot. One thing I know: reading over all these posts from parents is very powerful and may be a good place to start when trying to open the eyes of our peers.
Thank you, Jenny. I definitely agree with your statement that many of us were strong armed due to the threat of mental health crisis or suicide threats. That terrified me more than anything else. Even though I am the grandmother, the child and I have been connected since her birth. I'll add that her mom and I are on the same page regarding this topic.
It's scary dipping my toe to 'come out' as gender critical. But you are correct in saying that it isn't impossible (this is when Ted Lasco whispers in my ear, "I'm Possible"). Sharing with others and reading your brave stories is definitely a start.
This is really good Stella. I have never been a liberal. I’m in the middle -independent and a bit Libertarian. Fiscally conservative and support rule of law. I can smell cult and/or manipulation from 100 miles away so I knew instantly to run from this when it took over my daughter during COVID. (I have always detested the screaming chants at spirit days or required recitation of prayers at Catholic Mass growing up).
The foundation of her compliance had been laid for her at school in 2017-18 through ‘kindness’ mental health panic and GSA club inclusion being so popular.
It’s hard for those of us parents who did not vote-in the leaders who have enacted Orwellian policies and taken big time donations from the real activists behind this social engineering project.
Speaking for myself, I am bitter. I distrust most people now and all institutions. They have even robbed me of my absolute LOVE of libraries and books and schools.
I love your ending paragraphs regarding integrity, purity, and humility. I’ve always wondered, though—I feel certain that I am correct in my position that his is a harmful ideology to children and young and vulnerable people, including my daughter. And I can have some humility by not yelling and screaming in people’s faces and insulting them. I can use intelligent conversation to attempt to get my point across and I can be respectful. But really I’m on the side of humanity here so I’m not sure how that works exactly. I can pause and listen to certain arguments but for the most part supporters of this scandal are lying to themselves and they’re wrong when they try to defend giving drugs, and surgeries to confused people. But I imagine if I repeat your wise words to someone who supports telling children they can change their sex, they would spit that right back out at me and say that how could I be so certain and that I should have humility.
It's interesting that when you don't agree with someone, the other side will "weaponize" the
words we use. Yet my students use words without thinking about their meaning, and I try to get them to define the word and learn the real meaning of it, I am often told that they don't care what it means and that they still want to use it. Their feeling are valid and they don't want to be corrected. And yet, they can use words out of context as much as they want.
The idea of Socratic discussion has become a lost art between both sides. I hate to say it, but trying to have these conversations with our 19-year-old has been difficult. We have tried the route of saying -- we will listen to your perspective, if you will be open to ours. We have listened to podcasts by people who became gender-critical, it was because they were willing to research the other side and listen to the other side. Having that kind of openness and humility allowed them to see the truth.
It's helpful to have language and framing for what we're seeing. Yes, a lot of the GC world is woke in its lack of nuance - or even considering the audience. Your list of people censored by GC woke is a long list of people I admire.
This is a compelling piece. It rounds out what's now a trilogy of articles I've read on Substack the past two days that will help inform my speech for the conference, on the political and social equities involved in speaking out with integrity. In the US, it's liberal women who seem to struggle with this the most, a fact I find disconcerting since I'm one of them!
l'll be re-reading Stella's powerful essay, together with "Purple Haired People Eaters" by Sarah Hartman-Caverly for Heterodoxy in the Stacks (5/27), which gets into the anthropology of female tribalism and conformity, and Ted Balaker's Shiny Herd piece "Dumber by Design," also from yesterday. Here's a nice quote from that one: "if we’re too afraid to engage in the clash of ideas, we won’t get smarter. As Jonathan Haidt puts it in The Coddling movie, punishing dissidents is like shooting ourselves in the brain."
As always, you pick out the quotes which resonate deeply, JPA. "If we are all afraid to engage in the clash of ideas, we won't get smarter." Curiousity is a guiding string that may help get us out of this horrorshow of a labyrinth.
I appreciate this so much. Over time I have grown to value your commitment to discussion and disagreement more and more. As a parent living with the heartache of grief for my lost children, I have no time for intolerant people who prize their language points more than they care about the human cost of this issue.
I enjoy your annual Genspect conferences and this is article gives great insights into life in modern times, and how the search for truth loses its way and goes down cul-de-sacs. When people give up on the search for truth, they give up on themselves - not a good idea, even if you have to learn some hard truths about yourself in doing so. Thanks for link to Olly Lambert’s talk, explaining the difficulties there were in getting some people to participate in the ‘It’s time to talk’ documentary. It happens because the riding instructions for the politics behind all this are “don’t tell anything, don’t explain, don’t debate”. Easy to understand why debate is verboten, because the intellectual incoherence and contradictions quickly become apparent. Mainstream media – with the occasional exception - has been no help either. Journalists are trained, and more often that not under orders, to polarise any issue they report on and not acknowledge any nuances. Those in the gender medicine industry who have replaced the oath of ‘do no harm’ for ‘the patient has the right to make their own mistakes’ also deserve a mention – there are administrators as well as actual medical/healthcare practitioners involved. The description of what has been meted out to a list of people at the end of the article as ‘censorship’ is putting it mildly. Not only has compassion been weaponised but the law has also been weaponised against those who chose not to accept the political dogma behind all this. Thank you to the UK Supreme Court for doing its best not to allow the social fabric of that society to be rendered asunder. While the inclination to trans is something experienced by only a minority (as a percentage), the politics that leverages off this affects every member of society, starting with the school curricula for all children and progressing on to the distortions under the name of DEI in academia and the workplace.
“…grounded in dialogue or in defending the freedom to disagree.”
This is really the key isn’t it? It can be tough as nails but so worth it and effective. If we’re grounded in dialogue we can build bridges, even if no one walks all the way across it yet. It’s built for the next opportunity. Defending (lightly) the freedom to disagree needs to be attempted with double the amount of listening than talking—authentically trying to understand not just the words of the other but the greater emotional distress underneath them. That’s how some level of connection might be gained.
Hi Stella, what an awesome description of the life of the woke. My husband and I never went full woke but we were definitely in those circles. You've mentioned that your private practice dips into this world so I can imagine the shock, amazement and frustration that you've been going through all these years. This is a very good area to explore mostly because I think parents need to figure out a way to to put into words what they have been going through. There are many that will stay in their bubble at all costs and will never engage in alternate viewpoints. As Lisa Selin Davis says, they've given up truth for belonging. My husband and I know a number of these folks and we know to avoid certain topics, but mostly now we just avoid getting together entirely. Thank goodness we found you and others that you listed to follow (podcast & articles) so that we don't feel isolated and like we are the crazy ones. I've been worried about those that push the acceptance of gender 'queer' theory on others as a way to validate what has happened in their own families/bubbles. One wonders how far they will go to keep from facing the reality of what has happened to their loved one. Helen Joyce says it best https://youtube.com/shorts/EYJMY_2iFTM?si=sx_1y086VFpRoxnU -As far as the 'woke right' goes, I agree with Ayaan Hirsi Ali and that it's too early to tell, and that what people are calling the 'woke right' might just be an expected reaction to what the woke left has been forcing down their throats. Time will tell. Regarding the 'gender critical woke' and the reaction to you seeming too friendly to men in dresses, I think I know whom you are referring to and I don't know if I thought of them as woke necessarily--so I'm still sorting that one;-) I'm going to rewatch your documentary now. Warmly, Shelly
Thanks, I’m interested to know your thoughts after you watch the film. Although, fyi, I say loads of things in the film that I wouldn’t say now. But it’s 7 years later in a fast changing landscape and I’ve learnt a huge amount since then, so that’s no surprise
You did really well with the kids. I just paused it toward the end at the part when you are at the venue with the activists outside. They were yelling fascist and had face coverings back then, WOW! They were the Cluster "B" Society people. What a shock that must have been. Scary! I just realized Kellie-Jay was there. I didn't recognize her at first. James Caspein and Heather Brunskell-Evans and you laid it all out perfectly. This entire ordeal could have been stopped based on the information you gathered and exposed in your documentary. You even exposed how the lobby groups and institutions wanted to silence you. There were so many red flags that this gender craze and affirmation care was nefarious. I'm surprised Trans Kids: It's Time to Talk even got aired in 2018 and I wonder how "Matt" and the other young people are doing today. One wonders how Human Rights became such a money maker and became so devastating. Watching the piece with Debbie I just think of that documentary with kids of dads that had AGP, I forget the name. Very sad. You were very brave and still are!
Our daughter traveled this path in 2017. She never returned. She never discussed her choices, her thinking, with us. We had never even heard of FTM.
I am thankful for all of the work you and others are doing. Parents today have many more resources to guide them through this morass.
I am not a purist. While I don't use preferred pronouns (instead avoiding pronouns as much as possible), I don't police others on their language choices.
Gender critical to me is shorthand for being concerned about the harms of gender ideology, or simply being an unbeliever in gender.
People that are unblinking believers in gender ideology don't comprehend that this is an ideology.
Other woke supporters of gender ideology, believe--what? I'm not sure. I sense that part of it is their definition of being supportive. Supportive in being a believer, going along. Perhaps some supporters are inclined towards Libertarianism. I see a collective amoral shrug.
Don’t forget Joe Burgo! He’s taken a lot of heat about his work with males because it challenges the narrative about narcissistic fetishism and male entitlement as the only pathway to trans ID
This was perfect timing for me, Stella. I fall exactly into the progressive parent mold, and when gender hit my almost 13-year old I was paralyzed. Of course the experts didn’t help (the suicide myth was heard often enough to keep us in our corners). I spent two solid years treading so carefully as my beautiful, happy girl shrunk away and became an aggressive, miserable, dark teen. We knew something just didn’t make sense. I finally found GwL and Benjamin Boyce and Graham Linehan and the blinders slowly fell from my eyes. It is an uphill battle at this point with our now 17 year old daughter, but we see a lot of growth and more light. The part that you hit on, though, is the external tribe. At this point, since our daughter is still clinging to the trans ID for four years, I think all my lefty friends might be thinking we have it wrong and that it’s time to give up and accept this. Even my older daughter, home from woke university, just told me as much. So thank you for this well-timed piece. I am not giving up on my daughter finding happiness in herself just as she is.
Good for you. I hope everything goes well for you xxx
Yes. All of this. I am a very left leaning mom of a 19 (almost 20) y/o trans identified daughter who has been on hormones for a year (courtesy of a clinic, with no background check and no medical supervision). Our relationship is strong, and I am focusing on this attachment, and not having the conversations that need to be had for fear of breaking this. I have several adult trans friends who transitioned alter in life (after their prefrontal cortexes had developed, and with as much knowledge as was possible about the health sacrifices they were making.) They are largely satisfied with their choices.
The whole relationship is a complicated dance made more so by the rigidity of both sides. I am lucky to have been working with StoicMom, a writer and coach who has both a substack and an online community which focuses on moving through this parenting arena with self care, grace and curiousity - guidance through the "dark night of the soul" that this identity can bring on. She has explored divesting herself of the "gender critical" blanket, one reason (if my understanding is correct) being that it is so rigid. We need to exercise nuance more than ever. We need to find the roots of this, and to do so requires an openness that is hard found in any communities, progressive or conservative, gender critical or affirming only. We're not going to get out of this until we can be open, questioning and allowing ourselves to be questioned with honesty and curiousity. AND it's the hardest work I have ever done, and I fail all the time.
Thank you for your comment. That sounds very hard on you. I like the phrase divesting ourselves of the gender critical blanket, thanks!
I just came back to this thread after watching Olly Lambert's incredible remarks in the link provided in the post. It's fascinating and reassuring that we're not crazy or extreme or anything -- it's truly and completely, objectively not us!! -- but my favorite line is his last: "...you'll always speak to a journalist if you feel absolutely sure that you're right."
How many times have we tried to gently explore the meaning of trans identity with our daughters, thinking we're offering them an open-ended, non-judgmental invitation to teach us about their hearts and minds so that we'll be that much closer to a mutual understanding of 'who they are,' which is ostensibly the topic that captures 95% of their waking brain activity? SO MANY TIMES, is the answer, and yet we're rebuffed again and again. We've always intuited that Olly's explanation above is 100% the explanation in our cases too. It's just very nice to have it confirmed by a disinterested third party.
As Lisa Selin Davis says, “Certainty is a warm bath. Heterodoxy is a cold shower.”
I have a large paragraph from one of Lisa Selin Davis articles that I like to revisit too: "I think most Democrats suffer from a disease I like to call “liberalitis”—the fear of being seen as a bad person. They want to be on the right side of history, and they don’t yet realize that they’re not. They don’t want to have their worlds turned upside down, and have lost too much perspective to realize that it already has been: they are living in the upside-down, trading science for dogma, caring more about men’s rights than women’s, endangering children—doing all the things they accuse Republicans of doing. And we, the dissenters, are infected, impure—they don’t want to soil themselves by association. Even listening to us in good faith could taint them, and imperil their chances of seeming good. Thus, they don’t want to be enlightened; they want to belong. And that means shunning those who’d compromise their status as Good. They’ve chosen belonging over truth." - in her January article, Democrats Are Really for They/Them
That’s brilliant thanks for sharing
https://open.substack.com/pub/lisaselindavis/p/what-i-said-at-mit?r=1czr61&utm_medium=ios
Gender critical progressive mom here, with a 19-year-old trans/non-binary identified daughter. Thanks to all who have shared; your experiences resonate 100% with me. So many of us are going through the same thing, feeling devastated, helplessly watching our confident kids follow the internet pied piper into darkness and anxiety. Nearly every parent of a trans child I know was strong-armed into acceptance - or at least, non-confrontation - by a mental health crisis and suicidality. This isn't a failure of the progressive outlook; when your child is planning their own death, you simply do whatever is necessary. When my daughter, who was already in therapy for clinical anxiety, announced her new name and pronouns, I did indeed push back. I did my best to be authentic without being confrontational. I accepted the new name. But I never used the pronouns, because, I explained, to do so would be to admit belief in something I don't believe. We met in the middle. I asked her questions, like: What does it mean to say you "hold both identities", male and female? What constitutes maleness? What non-material phenomena are male? Are there literally male thoughts, male feelings, male inclinations? Does that jive with the values I taught you? I asked her: If there is a male sensibility, how do you know what that feels like? Do you have any male intimates? (She does not. She and all her friends are gay or bisexual girls.) I stressed that I love her no matter her choices, but I was also clear that it would kill me if she altered her healthy body. By pushing back gently, I went against the advice of therapists and friends. I am glad I did. She is 19, still making noise about being non-binary or trans and still quick to get defensive if I say the wrong thing (like " doesn't Ethel Cain have a penis?" oops, that one just slipped out); but, she is whole and healthy, separating from me and gaining confidence. I want to believe that my pushback gave her the excuse to walk back a bit and think about it all more deeply.
The expectation of orthodoxy on both sides makes it so much harder to change your mind. It's hard enough to be out of step with your peers as an adult; imagine how much harder it is for adolescents to risk the loss of their whole friend circle - unthinkable. I hope and pray that the values I taught will speak loudest in the end. Stella, thank you so much for your gentle advocacy - we're all so grateful. Jenny Thayer, Austin TX
Thank you so much xx
Wow, Stella. Throughout most of the article I felt like you've been hanging out at my home for 6 years! I'm the left leaning, 'Momma' (grandma) to a 21 year old FTM grandchild who moved in with me at 14. They are also on hormones courtesy of a clinic with no background check and literally no medical supervision. History? They don't bother with that. Self diagnosis by children is the in thing!
They moved away 2 years ago because I would not allow them to use hormones while living in my home. They met none of the DSM criteria for gender dysphoria. I spent thousands of dollars trying to find a therapist that wouldn't just affirm and would do an actual deep dive into their history. I prepared a 4000+ word document with dates and pictures and history for all of those therapists and was ignored. The kid even said on several occasions, 'maybe this one will tell me that it's not gender dysphoria'. As if they needed someone to give them permission to walk out of the cult. They are now moving back home this weekend. I'm happy and terrified at the same time. I am determined to not walk on egg shells. They know how I feel. They know that I will screw up and hurt their feelings (and like your article states, they are more depressed, anxious and sensitive than ever!). But they need to come home.
Irreversible Damage also felt like our story. All the stories in there. I feel like I've lost the biggest fight of my life. I have found solace in hearing other's stories and knowing that I am not alone. I teach at a 'woke' college (where I could be fired for having the opinion I have), have 'woke' friends (some of whom have abandoned me because of my opinion), am 'woke' myself, about all things but this subject. I am definitely gender critical, but I've felt silenced for a very long time. It is hard to find a space to feel safe to talk about this craze that is stealing our children. As a women's health professional I have tried to reason with myself, but the history part doesn't add up. Sudden onset gender dysphoria, out of nowhere.
I will keep reading. Keep learning. Keep working on myself. And keep putting out to the universe that at some point this might end, but prep myself for if it doesn't. And keep searching for answers to what is best for our kids.
Thank you for sharing this today.
Sandi, you are not alone! So many of us are going through this. Our voices together will have an impact, surely. We must find a way to "come out" to friends as gender critical. I have been thinking about this a lot. One thing I know: reading over all these posts from parents is very powerful and may be a good place to start when trying to open the eyes of our peers.
Thank you, Jenny. I definitely agree with your statement that many of us were strong armed due to the threat of mental health crisis or suicide threats. That terrified me more than anything else. Even though I am the grandmother, the child and I have been connected since her birth. I'll add that her mom and I are on the same page regarding this topic.
It's scary dipping my toe to 'come out' as gender critical. But you are correct in saying that it isn't impossible (this is when Ted Lasco whispers in my ear, "I'm Possible"). Sharing with others and reading your brave stories is definitely a start.
This is really good Stella. I have never been a liberal. I’m in the middle -independent and a bit Libertarian. Fiscally conservative and support rule of law. I can smell cult and/or manipulation from 100 miles away so I knew instantly to run from this when it took over my daughter during COVID. (I have always detested the screaming chants at spirit days or required recitation of prayers at Catholic Mass growing up).
The foundation of her compliance had been laid for her at school in 2017-18 through ‘kindness’ mental health panic and GSA club inclusion being so popular.
It’s hard for those of us parents who did not vote-in the leaders who have enacted Orwellian policies and taken big time donations from the real activists behind this social engineering project.
Speaking for myself, I am bitter. I distrust most people now and all institutions. They have even robbed me of my absolute LOVE of libraries and books and schools.
I love your ending paragraphs regarding integrity, purity, and humility. I’ve always wondered, though—I feel certain that I am correct in my position that his is a harmful ideology to children and young and vulnerable people, including my daughter. And I can have some humility by not yelling and screaming in people’s faces and insulting them. I can use intelligent conversation to attempt to get my point across and I can be respectful. But really I’m on the side of humanity here so I’m not sure how that works exactly. I can pause and listen to certain arguments but for the most part supporters of this scandal are lying to themselves and they’re wrong when they try to defend giving drugs, and surgeries to confused people. But I imagine if I repeat your wise words to someone who supports telling children they can change their sex, they would spit that right back out at me and say that how could I be so certain and that I should have humility.
It's interesting that when you don't agree with someone, the other side will "weaponize" the
words we use. Yet my students use words without thinking about their meaning, and I try to get them to define the word and learn the real meaning of it, I am often told that they don't care what it means and that they still want to use it. Their feeling are valid and they don't want to be corrected. And yet, they can use words out of context as much as they want.
The idea of Socratic discussion has become a lost art between both sides. I hate to say it, but trying to have these conversations with our 19-year-old has been difficult. We have tried the route of saying -- we will listen to your perspective, if you will be open to ours. We have listened to podcasts by people who became gender-critical, it was because they were willing to research the other side and listen to the other side. Having that kind of openness and humility allowed them to see the truth.
It's helpful to have language and framing for what we're seeing. Yes, a lot of the GC world is woke in its lack of nuance - or even considering the audience. Your list of people censored by GC woke is a long list of people I admire.
This is a compelling piece. It rounds out what's now a trilogy of articles I've read on Substack the past two days that will help inform my speech for the conference, on the political and social equities involved in speaking out with integrity. In the US, it's liberal women who seem to struggle with this the most, a fact I find disconcerting since I'm one of them!
l'll be re-reading Stella's powerful essay, together with "Purple Haired People Eaters" by Sarah Hartman-Caverly for Heterodoxy in the Stacks (5/27), which gets into the anthropology of female tribalism and conformity, and Ted Balaker's Shiny Herd piece "Dumber by Design," also from yesterday. Here's a nice quote from that one: "if we’re too afraid to engage in the clash of ideas, we won’t get smarter. As Jonathan Haidt puts it in The Coddling movie, punishing dissidents is like shooting ourselves in the brain."
As always, you pick out the quotes which resonate deeply, JPA. "If we are all afraid to engage in the clash of ideas, we won't get smarter." Curiousity is a guiding string that may help get us out of this horrorshow of a labyrinth.
I appreciate this so much. Over time I have grown to value your commitment to discussion and disagreement more and more. As a parent living with the heartache of grief for my lost children, I have no time for intolerant people who prize their language points more than they care about the human cost of this issue.
Thanks Lynn, that really means the world to me xxx
I enjoy your annual Genspect conferences and this is article gives great insights into life in modern times, and how the search for truth loses its way and goes down cul-de-sacs. When people give up on the search for truth, they give up on themselves - not a good idea, even if you have to learn some hard truths about yourself in doing so. Thanks for link to Olly Lambert’s talk, explaining the difficulties there were in getting some people to participate in the ‘It’s time to talk’ documentary. It happens because the riding instructions for the politics behind all this are “don’t tell anything, don’t explain, don’t debate”. Easy to understand why debate is verboten, because the intellectual incoherence and contradictions quickly become apparent. Mainstream media – with the occasional exception - has been no help either. Journalists are trained, and more often that not under orders, to polarise any issue they report on and not acknowledge any nuances. Those in the gender medicine industry who have replaced the oath of ‘do no harm’ for ‘the patient has the right to make their own mistakes’ also deserve a mention – there are administrators as well as actual medical/healthcare practitioners involved. The description of what has been meted out to a list of people at the end of the article as ‘censorship’ is putting it mildly. Not only has compassion been weaponised but the law has also been weaponised against those who chose not to accept the political dogma behind all this. Thank you to the UK Supreme Court for doing its best not to allow the social fabric of that society to be rendered asunder. While the inclination to trans is something experienced by only a minority (as a percentage), the politics that leverages off this affects every member of society, starting with the school curricula for all children and progressing on to the distortions under the name of DEI in academia and the workplace.
“…grounded in dialogue or in defending the freedom to disagree.”
This is really the key isn’t it? It can be tough as nails but so worth it and effective. If we’re grounded in dialogue we can build bridges, even if no one walks all the way across it yet. It’s built for the next opportunity. Defending (lightly) the freedom to disagree needs to be attempted with double the amount of listening than talking—authentically trying to understand not just the words of the other but the greater emotional distress underneath them. That’s how some level of connection might be gained.
Hi Stella, what an awesome description of the life of the woke. My husband and I never went full woke but we were definitely in those circles. You've mentioned that your private practice dips into this world so I can imagine the shock, amazement and frustration that you've been going through all these years. This is a very good area to explore mostly because I think parents need to figure out a way to to put into words what they have been going through. There are many that will stay in their bubble at all costs and will never engage in alternate viewpoints. As Lisa Selin Davis says, they've given up truth for belonging. My husband and I know a number of these folks and we know to avoid certain topics, but mostly now we just avoid getting together entirely. Thank goodness we found you and others that you listed to follow (podcast & articles) so that we don't feel isolated and like we are the crazy ones. I've been worried about those that push the acceptance of gender 'queer' theory on others as a way to validate what has happened in their own families/bubbles. One wonders how far they will go to keep from facing the reality of what has happened to their loved one. Helen Joyce says it best https://youtube.com/shorts/EYJMY_2iFTM?si=sx_1y086VFpRoxnU -As far as the 'woke right' goes, I agree with Ayaan Hirsi Ali and that it's too early to tell, and that what people are calling the 'woke right' might just be an expected reaction to what the woke left has been forcing down their throats. Time will tell. Regarding the 'gender critical woke' and the reaction to you seeming too friendly to men in dresses, I think I know whom you are referring to and I don't know if I thought of them as woke necessarily--so I'm still sorting that one;-) I'm going to rewatch your documentary now. Warmly, Shelly
Thanks, I’m interested to know your thoughts after you watch the film. Although, fyi, I say loads of things in the film that I wouldn’t say now. But it’s 7 years later in a fast changing landscape and I’ve learnt a huge amount since then, so that’s no surprise
You did really well with the kids. I just paused it toward the end at the part when you are at the venue with the activists outside. They were yelling fascist and had face coverings back then, WOW! They were the Cluster "B" Society people. What a shock that must have been. Scary! I just realized Kellie-Jay was there. I didn't recognize her at first. James Caspein and Heather Brunskell-Evans and you laid it all out perfectly. This entire ordeal could have been stopped based on the information you gathered and exposed in your documentary. You even exposed how the lobby groups and institutions wanted to silence you. There were so many red flags that this gender craze and affirmation care was nefarious. I'm surprised Trans Kids: It's Time to Talk even got aired in 2018 and I wonder how "Matt" and the other young people are doing today. One wonders how Human Rights became such a money maker and became so devastating. Watching the piece with Debbie I just think of that documentary with kids of dads that had AGP, I forget the name. Very sad. You were very brave and still are!
Yes I’d love to know how Matt is doing. Her mother emailed me some time after the film and told me she’d taken Matt off the puberty blockers
Thanks so much, Stella.
Our daughter traveled this path in 2017. She never returned. She never discussed her choices, her thinking, with us. We had never even heard of FTM.
I am thankful for all of the work you and others are doing. Parents today have many more resources to guide them through this morass.
I am not a purist. While I don't use preferred pronouns (instead avoiding pronouns as much as possible), I don't police others on their language choices.
Gender critical to me is shorthand for being concerned about the harms of gender ideology, or simply being an unbeliever in gender.
People that are unblinking believers in gender ideology don't comprehend that this is an ideology.
Other woke supporters of gender ideology, believe--what? I'm not sure. I sense that part of it is their definition of being supportive. Supportive in being a believer, going along. Perhaps some supporters are inclined towards Libertarianism. I see a collective amoral shrug.
And tribalism.
Don’t forget Joe Burgo! He’s taken a lot of heat about his work with males because it challenges the narrative about narcissistic fetishism and male entitlement as the only pathway to trans ID
grounded in dialogue or in defending the freedom to disagree.