So many parents wake in the dark hours of the night agonising over the reasons why their childs want to transition. This post reveals 25 different reasons - please comment below with your own ideas!
Mine is a combination of 3-7 with a touch of 11 and 18, and my Theory 26 😉: The bully victim: the awkward kid (anxious, neurodivergent, immature,gay etc) gets bullied for being different than her/his same-sex peers. It leads to self-loathing and wish to become someone else, the new persona who would get attention, validation and a sens of belonging.
#25 sums it up. It is definitely a combination of several things. I don’t believe my son is gay, but I’d be fine with that. When he first declared at 16 he said he was lesbian. When I tried to explain that lesbians don’t like guys, I got the “trans women are women” yelled at me. 🤷🏼♀️. I don’t think he has been sexually assaulted or abused. But what all happened during online Covid schooling, I don’t really know. He has probably gotten porn exposure online. I also see some of the Peter Pan Syndrome, definitely OCD, gifted, some autistic (non diagnosed) traits. Teachers all describe him as a super polite, nice kid.
This list is very clarifying. I gleaned most of this from your book and others but this list is nice and to the point. Helpful
I will add three more that I encounter. But before I do, I see that there are some moms here who have trans identifying kids and I want to be clear that I in no way intend this to blame, shame, or otherwise diminish parents who are managing a childs mental health. I've been there! Not gender with my daughter, but completely life derailing none the less. The following is just a type I have actually seen more often than not where I live (affluent, progressive, near Boston). The "where" part seems relevant because more often than not these families have a TON of resources/money. Not always though.
These types are kind of intertwined and maybe subsets of those listed above. They fit the "need for acceptance" type. But technically thats all the types, right?
1. The child of a mother who is autistic, or suffered some kind of severe abuse or extreme neglect. The mother is detached either in a narcissistic way or in a traumatized/checked out way. (In one case I know, the mom left a cult and now has 3 trans daughters; is an extreme activist for her trans kids. In another a mom left a sadistic husband who abused the mother and 3 daughters. All 3 transed)
2. Children of parents who raise "genderless" kids. The parents use gender neutral everything from birth including they/them pronouns. This is not child led. The parents let the children decide what gender they want to be when they are "ready". Unfortunately the two 3rd graders we know in this situation have pretty severe behavioral problems already. And one of them only uses neutral pronouns at home. from what my daughter tells me I think its because he's trying to please the parents. This all just seems incredibly destabilizing for the child.
3. Siblings of gender dysphoric or gender questioning kids. Particularly the middle child when the oldest or youngest is trans or emerging trans
Because my oldest daughter went to a SpEd highschool for high functioning social emotional disorders (read: no behavioral or drug problems, no severe autism), trans is the water we swam in for 5 years (2 in hospital). And then there are those I know from the community. So I've met ALL types. 3 trans kids I know from my community are all girls and each have 2 trans siblings. Yes, that's 3 separate families with 3 FTM siblings in each family. Our town has 20,000 people. Those are people I know personally. There may be more.
Again, in no way am I trying to judge these moms/parents, but I do see a particular type that is heavily influenced by the mother and the siblings, and by the mental health of the mother. So trans in this case becomes a coping mechanism not just for the child but for the entire family.
There are two other reasons I'd like to add but, perhaps, these fit under one of the other 25. Both of these apply to my young adult son, along with #1-3 and #19. First, I think my son was overwhelmed with changing/increasing hormone levels and was actually fighting his own sexual desires. This followed an intense break-up with a girl he was romantically and sexually involved with. He mentioned years later (post hormonal transition) that he believed himself to be asexual. Secondly, my son was (and still is) so immersed in video games and the ability to create and/or choose avatars to represent oneself. Naturally, there are many fierce, female warrior-type avatars that video games promote. I think one of the detransitioners you interviewed mentioned a similar feeling, not sure if it was Sascha Bailey or Scarlet.
I think the female warrior-type avatars (I think it was the Sascha Bailey episode) are a LOT more influential than we think. I'll do a part 2 asap and cover your points
Thanks Rene. I focus on the reality and the long term consequences - and other issues - in my therapy work all the time - what makes you think I don't?
I wrote that piece for parents, as I mention in the first few sentences, because so many parents toss and turn and agonise over it all. The point of it was not to 'give answers' it was to demonstrate that the humans are unknowably complex and we generally come to decisions as a consequence of a whole range of reasons - #25
Mine is a combination of 3-7 with a touch of 11 and 18, and my Theory 26 😉: The bully victim: the awkward kid (anxious, neurodivergent, immature,gay etc) gets bullied for being different than her/his same-sex peers. It leads to self-loathing and wish to become someone else, the new persona who would get attention, validation and a sens of belonging.
That's helpful to know, thank you for that
#25 sums it up. It is definitely a combination of several things. I don’t believe my son is gay, but I’d be fine with that. When he first declared at 16 he said he was lesbian. When I tried to explain that lesbians don’t like guys, I got the “trans women are women” yelled at me. 🤷🏼♀️. I don’t think he has been sexually assaulted or abused. But what all happened during online Covid schooling, I don’t really know. He has probably gotten porn exposure online. I also see some of the Peter Pan Syndrome, definitely OCD, gifted, some autistic (non diagnosed) traits. Teachers all describe him as a super polite, nice kid.
Thank you for your comment. My favourite is also #25
This list is very clarifying. I gleaned most of this from your book and others but this list is nice and to the point. Helpful
I will add three more that I encounter. But before I do, I see that there are some moms here who have trans identifying kids and I want to be clear that I in no way intend this to blame, shame, or otherwise diminish parents who are managing a childs mental health. I've been there! Not gender with my daughter, but completely life derailing none the less. The following is just a type I have actually seen more often than not where I live (affluent, progressive, near Boston). The "where" part seems relevant because more often than not these families have a TON of resources/money. Not always though.
These types are kind of intertwined and maybe subsets of those listed above. They fit the "need for acceptance" type. But technically thats all the types, right?
1. The child of a mother who is autistic, or suffered some kind of severe abuse or extreme neglect. The mother is detached either in a narcissistic way or in a traumatized/checked out way. (In one case I know, the mom left a cult and now has 3 trans daughters; is an extreme activist for her trans kids. In another a mom left a sadistic husband who abused the mother and 3 daughters. All 3 transed)
2. Children of parents who raise "genderless" kids. The parents use gender neutral everything from birth including they/them pronouns. This is not child led. The parents let the children decide what gender they want to be when they are "ready". Unfortunately the two 3rd graders we know in this situation have pretty severe behavioral problems already. And one of them only uses neutral pronouns at home. from what my daughter tells me I think its because he's trying to please the parents. This all just seems incredibly destabilizing for the child.
3. Siblings of gender dysphoric or gender questioning kids. Particularly the middle child when the oldest or youngest is trans or emerging trans
Because my oldest daughter went to a SpEd highschool for high functioning social emotional disorders (read: no behavioral or drug problems, no severe autism), trans is the water we swam in for 5 years (2 in hospital). And then there are those I know from the community. So I've met ALL types. 3 trans kids I know from my community are all girls and each have 2 trans siblings. Yes, that's 3 separate families with 3 FTM siblings in each family. Our town has 20,000 people. Those are people I know personally. There may be more.
Again, in no way am I trying to judge these moms/parents, but I do see a particular type that is heavily influenced by the mother and the siblings, and by the mental health of the mother. So trans in this case becomes a coping mechanism not just for the child but for the entire family.
Thank you - I'll write a part two and include your versions in that asap!
There are two other reasons I'd like to add but, perhaps, these fit under one of the other 25. Both of these apply to my young adult son, along with #1-3 and #19. First, I think my son was overwhelmed with changing/increasing hormone levels and was actually fighting his own sexual desires. This followed an intense break-up with a girl he was romantically and sexually involved with. He mentioned years later (post hormonal transition) that he believed himself to be asexual. Secondly, my son was (and still is) so immersed in video games and the ability to create and/or choose avatars to represent oneself. Naturally, there are many fierce, female warrior-type avatars that video games promote. I think one of the detransitioners you interviewed mentioned a similar feeling, not sure if it was Sascha Bailey or Scarlet.
I think the female warrior-type avatars (I think it was the Sascha Bailey episode) are a LOT more influential than we think. I'll do a part 2 asap and cover your points
Thanks Rene. I focus on the reality and the long term consequences - and other issues - in my therapy work all the time - what makes you think I don't?
I wrote that piece for parents, as I mention in the first few sentences, because so many parents toss and turn and agonise over it all. The point of it was not to 'give answers' it was to demonstrate that the humans are unknowably complex and we generally come to decisions as a consequence of a whole range of reasons - #25