In October 2021, I had the privilege of sitting down with Helena, a detransitioned woman with an incredibly brave and deeply personal story. She first identified as a transgender man at 15 but began her journey back to embracing her identity as a woman at 19. Revisiting this conversation now feels just as powerful as it did back then, and I wanted to share some reflections on what we talked about and why it still resonates with me today.
Helena’s Story:
Helena shared how, as a teenager, she fantasized that living as male would be the solution to all her struggles. She believed it would free her from the pain of being female in a world that felt isolating and unkind. But the reality was far more complicated. She found herself exhausted—physically, emotionally, and psychologically—from trying to fit into a masculine identity that didn’t align with who she truly was.
She talked about how isolated she felt during her transition and how difficult it was to even consider detransitioning when her ex—also trans—was so against it. It broke my heart to hear how much pressure she faced, not just from those close to her but from an entire online culture that seemed to label any doubts as betrayal.
The Cost of Suppression:
One of the most poignant parts of our conversation was when Helena described how suppressing her feminine side for so long affected her. She spoke about the toll of pretending to be someone she wasn’t—of wearing clothes that didn’t fit her body and hiding the parts of herself that felt so natural.
Teenagers and Identity:
Helena also touched on how messages she encountered online made her believe she was trans simply because she felt different from her peers. This hit home for me because teenagers are already so vulnerable to social rejection. At that age, we’ll do almost anything to feel like we belong. She shared how phrases like “if you feel different, you’re probably trans” shaped her thinking and how difficult it was to question those narratives when everyone around her seemed to agree.
Tumblr, Fandom, and Internet Culture:
Helena looked back fondly on her time in spaces like Tumblr, where being part of the “gay” corner of the internet felt like freedom. But she also reflected on how some of those spaces could be confusing and even harmful, especially when fandom culture and sexualised content blurred the lines of self-discovery and dysphoria.
Why This Matters:
What stayed with me most from this conversation was Helena’s honesty about how social justice movements, online communities, and even well-meaning allies have complicated the way we talk about gender and identity. She spoke about the struggles of cis allies being told their opinions don’t count, the pressures of “trans medicalism,” and the fine line between supporting someone’s journey and questioning what’s best for them. Something that is still happening today.
Helena’s journey isn’t just about detransitioning; it’s about finding herself in a world that tried to tell her who she should be.
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