The following questions are answered in this video:
1. Dear Stella, thank you so much for your Substack - there is so much on here that provides help and comfort as we all negotiate this nightmare in which we find ourselves. I too would like to know how best to support a very vulnerable 20 year old who has been rushed through to medicalisation - 4 months from first appointment to prescription - by the NHS in the UK with little or no counselling. I feel I am now dealing with a ticking time bomb as Testavan starts to physically damage my child's body. She says she has no choice but to medicalise - surely this should be a red flag to the medics - as adults we ALWAYS have a choice. Nothing I say seems to make any difference and it's getting to the point where I can't watch anymore. I feel utterly conflicted: a mother's love for her child versus my inability to stand by and watch her physically damage her body. What unites us both is love and I am desperately holding on to those "silver threads" so she can find a way back to us.
2. Hi Stella, first thank you for everything you do. There are so many strong voices now shinning light on the appalling betrayal of trust the affirmation model represents for parents and children, but yours has been the most valuable to me personally. Thank you.
I listen to all your Q&As and have heard you speak several times about how non-confrontation can lead to an illusion of desistance followed by a massive resurgence of trans identification when the child leaves home. My daughter told me she was really a boy and wanted hormones and "top surgery" three and a half years ago, when she was 14. We never affirmed or used her new name or pronouns but have tried with every fibre of ourselves to show her daily how much we love her and support her in life. It has not been easy and the first couple of years we were in outright hostile territory (from her).
This past year she seems much happier, has (almost) stopped self harming and is spending far more time with the family. She no longer looks at me with gimlet eyes and sullen silence when I say goodbye in the morning and now waves cheerfully when I drop her off at the bus stop. She has stopped attempting to bind or dress in a masculine manner and started to wear earrings, other jewellery and some lip gloss. She has turned into feminist and seems very "anti-men". We have been silently hoping that these are all signs of desistence, however we are very conscious that she's due to go to university in the autumn and have the underlying fear that the trans identity will all blow up again there (she still goes by a different name at school but applied to uni in her birth name).
Recently she reached the top of the list for an autism assessment. When I filled in the online questionnaires I found she had set her profile to say her gender was transgender male, her pronouns he / him and preferred name, the one she uses at school. Of course, in spite of the Cass Report, the therapist who I spoke to for the parent's interview said she must use the name and pronouns requested by my daughter throughout our conversation. My daughter was also there at the time (online appointment) and confirmed that is what she wanted. Because she was there I did not try to push back on this with the therapist. I know none of any of this makes any sense and it is a hiding to nothing to try and make it make sense but I really don't know why she wants to be addressed as he when nothing about her at all signals male (and she seems to think very badly of men as a class).
I definitely fit the stereotype of non-confrontational ROGD mum and things have been so much calmer and nicer in our house this year but I feel I really must ask her what is going on here. What do you think? Any tips on how to go about it? Sorry this is so long
3. What can I do to help our college aged kid who has cut ties? Don’t know what to do?
4. Dear Stella, You have done such amazing work which has had a real impact on this nightmare. I wonder about what happens to individuals over 18 who are still vulnerable. There seems to be carte blanch on hormonal castration and surgical mutilation. Is it at all possible to address this issue? My heart is in my mouth as my vulnerable young adult goes into a gynecologist office alone knowing that it is "policy" to use preferred pronouns.
5. Dear Stella, I am 8 years into this, the mother of a 24 year old trans person, and only found your podcast about a year ago. I’ve recently started attending GDSN support groups and it has been so helpful to talk with other parents who “get it.” My question for you today is, what information can you share about the Genspect conference in September? What’s it like to attend as a parent? Do you have a hotel lined up yet (hopefully with a good bar)?
6. Hi Stella, thanks for all your work and support in this challenging area. My 18 year old son told me he is trans a week ago. His mother, who is a clinical psychologist working with young adults, found him a counsellor about 5 years ago when he seemed unhappy but I have been kept out of this totally and don't know what kind of counsellor this is or their approach or what is behind my son believing he is trans. His mother left me a few years ago and pursued being a lesbian. It seems she has been supportive of my sons trans feelings, has helped to choose a name for him, and has started addressing him by this name and she/her pronouns all before I was aware of the situation. Her view expressed to me is that we must respect his choice or risk alienating him and now he is "coming out" to friends and me he is the happiest he has been for a long time and that if he wants to go down the medical route she may support that too. I feel totally out of the loop and very concerned that whilst my son has clearly been thinking about this for some time, my ex just going along with or even encouraging social transition and potentially medical transition is not something I am ready to support. My question is really (a) how best to talk to my son about how he reached this conclusion to understand if his counselling has been gender affirming and to better understand his journey and get more comfortable this is not temporary (b) I would find it very difficult to call him by a female name and pronouns - especially given his mother is doing so how do I deal with this, (c) likewise in terms of medical transition which at the age of 18 feels just very young to even be considering it to me. I very much appreciate any input and advice you can provide. Thank you.
7. Dear Stella, thank you very much for all the effort and support you are giving to us parents, absolutely essential! My question is related to current change in the US brought by change of administration. How do we support our adult vulnerable young people when they have temper tantrums about the current political situation and feel that they are being attacked. It seems that my son got deeper into the trans rabbit hole as a result of this recent developments. As if the focus is back on being "trans" and showing off to the world (social media). Many thanks!
8. The change in the administration in the US pushing young adults deeper into the trans rabbit hole. I feel my son is again focusing on pronouns and feeling that they are all under attack. wandering how to address it. He is 25, gay, not medicalized but walking the thin line, openly gay with autistic traits and watching a lot of drag race shows
Next week I will respond to these questions:
1. Thank you for hosting these. Our 19 year old college son is socially trans. But only with friends and online community. Outside of our immediate family, he has not told grandparents, aunts, uncles or anyone else. He has not medicalized. But I think he would like to. Before he went to college, I contacted the college to make sure that they did not prescribe cross sex hormones. His college does not. Everything is set up for him to use the clinic on campus. Last fall, he began asking for information to see a doctor off campus. The only reason he would need this is for medicalization. I’ve managed to hold off, giving him the necessary information for him to make that appointment. At Christmas, my husband, and I both noticed positive changes with him. Such as he is monitoring his screen time more, Starting to read books just for fun, he’s making a point of getting out into nature and just seems to be enjoying life more. Not sure if this could be the start of desistance or just maturing. He was back the whole Christmas holiday without mentioning anything about the information he needed. He brought it up just as we were getting ready to leave to take him back to college. My husband and I managed to stall and tell him we would get him the information later. But I can only hold out so long. We’ve already had discussions about what I see as the negatives of hormones. Such as side effects, irreversible damage. I’m trying to think of ways to ask him what exactly he’s hoping to accomplish by this. What he thinks will be different. Etc. Any advice is welcome. Thank you.
2.Thanks, Stella, for your dedication to these Q&As--they continue to be so helpful. Our daughter is a couple months shy of 18 and will be heading off to college next year. She has been trans-ID'd for her whole high school, was a typical ROGD girl, and has been 'socially-transitioned' at school (name, pronouns, bathroom, PE). She's a very bright, successful girl, no psychiatric co-morbidities and has stated a few times in the last couple months that she does not want to medicalize. She knows that we will not fund college if she medicalizes but we have not directly had this conversation yet, and she came to this realization on her own. Two of her three sisters are pretty 'anti-trans' and 'anti-woke' (after being on the receiving end of posting up against a male in basketball), and her older sister is neutral ( in her words, 'live and let live'). She expresses a lot of distress about her physical body (although she is wearing a few more feminine pants and sweaters lately) and can barely talk about it with me. She doesn't have PCOS, has regular cycles, and doesn't wear a binder (she wears either no bra or a light sports bra). What are some ways to help her become more accepting of her body? She can state that she recognizes that she is a biological female but any more exploration crumbles into crying. She hasn't had any relationships, think she is interested, said she was bi before. Before she donned the 'trans-boy' aesthetic with the baggy clothes/hunch/scruffy short hair, she was a gorgeous ,almost 6ft tall, long blonde hair, model-type. I'm trying to start regular 30min chats with her to explore--we only have a few more months until she is out of our house. If you have any questions about our situation, i'll try to answer them in the chain. Thank you!!
We can have great discussions about philosophical ideas as long as I steer clear of ‘third rail’ politics. She can handle a bit of debate around issues that we may disagree on but she is more sensitive to taking disagreement as a personal affront than my other children. I can tip toe into gender related questions but have to keep it free of any judgmental jargon. Anytime I dive into physical body questions, she is teary and shuts down.
The big discussion I need to address with her is around rooming in college. We have always set a firm requirement that she rooms with biological females at summer camp and school trips in high school and we would like to continue that for college. I have been talking about the beauty of college as a time to meet a variety of people and avoid getting pigeon holed too early. I talked about my own regret before about picking a major too early and not exploring. We also want to encourage her to try on embracing her female reality. She can always return to living like a trans boy but she never gave her inner girl a chance to grow up.
3. Hi Stella. My daughter is 17, has identified as trans FtM for 5 years. We know it's a maladaptive coping mechanisms after years of self-hate a and media imput (neurodivergent, bullying, porn etc). Last year has been a nightmare. Her depression and anxiety got even worse, and she started drinking and vaping to selfmedicate, engaged in other risky and inappropriate behaviour. She has attachment issues, too. She is seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist because of evaluation for bipolar or sever depression, but she is not receptive for their input. She says she is just waiting to be 18, which is in 7 months, to be able to decide on her own, quit therapy, move out, transition. Other then that she is immature and doesn't know what to do in life. No meaningfull interests. I'm at my wits end. Thinking of giving up. I believe my daughter will destroy her life, and when she finally realises it, she will not have strength to try to get better. Any kind of intervention we have tried, makes her self-harm and threat with suicide or moving out to her boyfriend. What to do? We're trying some family councelling, too. Feels like no progress or very very slow.
4. Stella, obviously a cultural shift needs to take place but that will take time & won’t help any of us in the thick of it & especially the panic arising to get fixed quick before the rules change. I’m thinking in particular of the US & the new administration. I keep advocating for more voice for the detransitioners so that those ‘trapped’ can envision a way out. I see Genspect has launched a new resource Beyond Trans which is wonderful. But how can we make it ‘cool’ to detransition, to desist. How do we get more doctors, therapists to embrace this new ‘market’. How can we get everyone to be on the positive side of history, to be part of the solution? For kids to say ‘I was brave enough to say no, this is what I’m good at, not what I’m bad at’. It’s cool to be kind to my parents. I don’t view Reddit, instagram, discourse or anything so I don’t really know what I’m talking about, but can’t these chats be hacked into 😂 or other ones set up to dominate a happier narrative? Sorry….ranting here.
5. Dear Stella, thank you very much for all the effort and support you are giving to us parents, absolutely essential! My question is related to current change in the US brought by change of administration. How do we support our adult vulnerable young people when they have temper tantrums about the current political situation and feel that they are being attacked. It seems that my son got deeper into the trans rabbit hole as a result of this recent developments. As if the focus is back on being "trans" and showing off to the world (social media). Many thanks!
Below is the Zoom link to attend Saturday’s meeting:
Stella O Malley is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.
Topic: Parents' Q&A
Time: Feb 15, 2025 03:00 PM Dublin
Join Zoom Meeting:
Listen to this episode with a 7-day free trial
Subscribe to Stella O'Malley to listen to this post and get 7 days of free access to the full post archives.
